WARNING: FAINT OF HEART ~ DO NOT ENTER HERE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TO MY FRIENDS: YEAH, I'M ALRIGHT.
NOW I AM. I HAD TO PURGE, APPARENTLY.
EVEN HOPE HAS HER BAD HAIR DAYS.
~ ~ ~ ~
All these
beautiful words
& stunning images
make me ache ~
they cannot fill
the hole
in my Heart;
they only seem
to make it bigger.
I feel the emptiness
trying to swallow
my Soul
& I fight,
kicking & screaming,
a banshee in the Night
that will not die ~
My brother
won't answer his phone.
He hasn't for days.
I'm afraid of what that means.
It wouldn't be the first time
it's happened. He KNOWS that.
Still, the phone rings.
The last time it happened,
my mother didn't answer.
She'd fallen & laid on the floor,
bones broken, unable to scream loud
enough to be heard.
For 16 hours.
She died 63 days later,
in agony. After she looked me
straight in the eye & said,
'I want to GO.'
I let her.
The time before,
it was my favorite sister.
She'd shot herself.
Oblivious
to the ringing phone.
I had to deal with
the police, at work.
The coroner.
The funeral home.
The questions.
The blame.
The guilt.
The emptiness.
The absence
of her Presence.
I gotta get a Life again.
This one sucks.
I keep reaching out,
trying to find Life.
Love.
Peace.
It ain't happenin'.
My Love decided
to drink
himself to death
& leave me here
alone.
He told me that,
after he was gone,
I'd be mad at him.
I was. I am.
He left me
here
alone.
Without him.
With a hole
in my Heart
that I cannot seem
to fill,
no matter what I do.
Or don't do.
Yeah.
I've made mistakes.
A LOT of 'em.
Still do.
Shit.
At least I'm trying
to live.
The rest of 'em
gave up. Surrendered.
Threw in the bloody towel.
I'm pissed off.
Wish I drank.
Glad I don't.
Damn,
this poetry
hurts sometimes.
I've let it
hold me tight
for over 32 years.
Maybe it's Time
to let it go.
IF it will even
let me...
I dunno.
What
would
YOU
do???
I'm tired.
Only 4 hours
sleep
in 3 days.
Everyone tells me
to go to bed...
to go to sleep.
Don't you think
I WOULD
if I COULD???
I'm soooooo tired...
but sleep won't come.
If it does,
it won't stay.
Not even
with sleeping pills.
The images
keep jumpin' around,
wakin' me up.
No,
I ain't crazy.
Not yet...
~ February 28, 2005
11:00 p.m.
Author notes
Option: Oh yeah, If you write a rage poem, or a poem about misunderstanding or being misunderstood that'd be great too!
Written February 28th, 2005
In a list
- Deep, Dark & Depressing as Hell • next in list
- Older Poems (under construction) • next in list
- Sorrow • next in list
- Stories • next in list
- WLB Alpha • next in list
- Contest poems • next in list
- Saying Goodbye • next in list
- Edgier • next in list
- Inspired by...Various (under construction) • next in list
- Dedications (under construction) • next in list
What did you think
Comments
-
CHRIST ABOVE, WANDA! This one is trying to tear my heart out of my chest.
"Damn,
this poetry
hurts sometimes.
I've let it
hold me tight
for over 32 years."
That hit me the hardest, because poetry does hurt - it's not just words, it's capturing an emotion, a feeling, a moment in time where a poet looks inside themself and splays their findings across the page in all their ugliness and beauty.
I feel like there is so much more I have yet to learn about you and from you; one thing is for sure though, you are truly an inspiration
No more depressing stuff for me tonight!
-
Wanda, my god what you've been through! Some times one needs support. I'm always here for you. I'll catch you if you fall.
You know I will. Don't be afraid (softly) don't be afraid (quietly). (whispering, whispering) I'm here, Darling, I'm here.
-
Thank you for hosting & for your kind comments, moment liver...I'm pleased you enjoyed it...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
Love it, was exactly what I was looking for. And I like that most of it was a free verse kind of thing. Sometimes I get a little wary of forced rhyming. But thank you so much for entering my contest! It was great!
Keep writing from the inside!
moment liver -
Thank you for your gracious words, Wilting Violet. I'm pleased you enjoyed my work. I appreciate your kindness & your time. Be well, Poet. Wanda
Edited on Aug 14 because ''. -
very touching poem. i really enjoyed this write. it shares a lot of feelings and i like the fact it's not stuck to just the love of your absent partner, but your family as well. good luck in the contest. and keep writing we write to release our feelings deep within our souls. its a talent keep it up. nice work!
-
Thank you, Marg...I wrote this one over a year ago, my Friend...It was a bit of an epiphany for me...& yes, I feel much better now than I did then...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
This is a powerful piece, Wanda. It held me to the end and I could feel your pain. Feels good to get it out doesn't it?
Stay well.
Marg -
Thank you for hosting, for reading so quickly & for your time, stephanie anne. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for your comment. Hang in there...Life has a way of working itself out...with or without our help...Be well, Poet. Wanda
-
very nice poem. long and powerful. i can kind of realte to this poem but only a little. i dont get much sleep either. my parents constantly screaming at me or eachother. well i think you'll do good in this contest. keep up the great work.
laters, stephanie anne -
Life has it's funny lil' perks & quirks, huh??? 
-
I know how you feel... well, I don't really but, I know how it feels to feel like... what the hell comes next and why do I keep hangin' on. But I'm glad we do.
-
I'm doin' a lot better now...I wrote this in February 2005...Thank you for your kind words...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
beautiful.. just beautiful like it came express from your heart and there's nothing in it that doesn't shine with truth. i'm sorry i don't have more to say, but its just so great. i'm sorry for all your pain, may peace go with you.
~love-music-darkness -
Love requires no explanations,
only acceptance of Dream.
Sadness is but a fleeting moment
upon the fields of Time.
Joy remains vivid with Memory.
Tomorrow's flowers will bloom wildly,
scenting Life with color.
My garden is tended with Mercy & Grace.
I wait for Love's whisper once more.
-
When saddnes that blooms
ever greater is the most
beautiful flower in a world
of neon ennunciations
all I can hope is that
I don't have to explain
why I loved you.
Tomorrow doesn't really matter
and today is far too painfull.
what I remember about love
is the joy that being
in the ame house with you
brought my soul of wonder. -
Thank you for hosting & for your kind words, Forgotten Identity...I'm glad you liked it...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
Wow... That was truly amazing, I mean.. The emotion and pain is sooo strong here. I love it.. It had to be so hard to go through all that but you're still here... Another amazing thing. Thank you sooo much for entering
-
Thank you, Maggie...I've grown & healed a lot since I wrote this one...Thank God...Be well, Poet...I am... Wanda
-
This was veri different from anythign I've read of yours, Wanda. Wow . . . heart wrenching . . .
Keep penning, keep sharing and congradulations on the silver!
Maggie -
Thank you for your kind words, GurlNxtDoor15...I'm glad you liked it...Thanks for hosting a great contest...Be well, Poet...I am... Wanda
-
very dark and EXTREMELY emotional...i cannot tell you that i know how you feel because i have not been through any thing like that so i am not gong to be fake about it...i am so glad you entered my contest with such a poem like this...it is full of what was asked...good luck and much love
GurlNxtDoor -
Now you know some of the reasons why I fight so hard, my Friend...I worked damned hard to get it...I ain't losin' it now...not for anyone or anything... Wanda
-
Damn strait you earned it.
-
Thank you, Darkest Moonlily...I'm glad you liked it...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
It's always good to vent a little now and then. We all need that opportunity to get things off our chest and be able to breathe just a little better now and then. Great job and best of luck in the contest! Excellent write.
++DM++ -
Thank you, dramaqueen469...I'm glad you liked it...Yes, it's a true story; I wrote it last year...I'm doin' better now...Thank you for your compassion & for hosting a grand contest...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
"I gotta get a Life again.
This one sucks."
... That part is great. Is this a true story? Because it breaks my heart. Amazing write. Keep it up and good luck.
~dramaqueen469~ -
Thank you for your gracious words, Dan...I'm glad you liked it...& considering my late Sweetheart used to put nuts, M&M's, raisins, grapes & Hersheys in the tree, I'd say they ate whatever they wanted to... Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
This was an incredible read wanda, thank you for sharing it with us !! I've read many of the comments , and your responses, all just as good as the initial work.... Thank you again for sharing, very very touching. Dan- just another nut in the world .... well, if there were'nt any nuts, what would the squirrels eat ?
-
Thank you, Estarla...Indeed, it was traumatizing...Thanks for hosting a great contest...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
Very deep and expressive, the whole experience soudns traumatizing. Thanks for entering, your entry is much appreciated!
-
Thank you, ali-a-fallen-angel...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
i love this!!! thankyou so much for entering
-
It's only funny if you're not the one havin' to clean it up... No, I wasn't so much goin' for poetry as I was out to save my sanity on a really black night...I'd had quite enough of the bullshit that survival kept dishin' out...& I don't think anyone can give SW a run for his money when it comes to angst... One of my favorite posters in college said: 'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.' & anyone that tells me to calm down when I'm this upset is just askin' for it... It's few & far between, so when I actually break into the shadows & start slingin' words against the wall, it's a good thing, contrary to appearances...Hell, let me give you an example of a single day in my life, about 10 years before all this shit happened...It was 1986...I was 28 years old...I was in a neckbrace & had been for 3 months...gettin' ready to go through a bad divorce...my mother had just come out of a coma after a suicide attempt...with anti~depressants, mind you...I got a call saying my grandmother 'was dying'...she was in a nursing home in another town...I took off work & flew there; only took me about an hour...she was already stiff with rigor mortis, which told me they'd flat~out lied ~ she was already dead when they called...I'd just lost my dad, stepdad & grandfather in the previous 4 month period...I dealt with the situation & came back to go tell my mom that the woman who'd raised her was gone...I finally got home, & my brother said I'd had an out of state phone call; my best friend had an ovarian cyst burst & was in surgery, in very bad shape...sighhh... All in less than a 5 hour period...I slumped against the wall, unable to cry or even moan...How the Hell I'm still here, I'll never know...But I also know that we are all sooo much stronger than we ever know, until we need to know it...I also know I'm glad I'm still here...go figure... Thank you, once again, for another in~depth & righteous critique...Unfortunately, I agree with you...
Still, this is a lesson I learned & saved my sanity in the process, so I'm leavin' this one alone...I revisit it when I get low; perks my ass right back up...roflmao Wanda
Edited on Jan 08, 9:34 p.m. because ''. -
OH MY GOD!! Only 3 more after this... And I'M DONE!! (stands up and cheers insanely loudly). Of course... then I still have to do the author notes and judge... then I have to try to catch up on my favorites list... I had wanted to try to write something... ~sigh~
Well, in reading this, I'm a little torn... On one hand, again, I think you slipped off the poetic bandwagon and fell face first into a big vat of prose mud. Not saying that you can't do that, or that it sucks, but that if you were aiming for poetry... Well honey, you're due to clean your toilet. You missed and it's everywhere now! (yeah, I know that jokes better told to guys, but I couldn't resist. you have to admit that it's funny)
FOCUS! Yes, I know. I'm trying... But I have been reviewing for days, and I think I'm more than a little slap happy...
Ok, so as I was saying, this is more of a prose-y piece, then poetry. Getting beyond that, I still enjoyed it. Maybe moreso than the previous pieces, because it feel into very much a ranty rambling nature where you were just going off on everybody and everything, and I was just sitting here listening and nodding my head vigorious to try and steady you. It was great! I enjoyed it! I mean, I know it's a dark piece, but look who you're talking to! I give Sonorous Wrex a run for his money in the angst catergory. LOL
But yes, it is sad. My own past is riddle with horrendous tragedies one right after another. I don't know how I'm here still either, to be frank. But I can say I do understand the paranoia. Others may tell you to calm down, but they don't know what those kinds of repetitive tramas due to your pysche. One is never quite they same... -
I wrote this one last February...I wanted you to see that it is possible to get past the horrors that survival, not life, can throw at ya...when someone casts off pain, it has to go somewhere...Now I believe it came to me because I would be strong enough to recover from its blows...I'm not angry at 'em, really...I'll see 'em all again one fine day...whatever you're feeling now will pass...Happiness & sadness are but fleeting moments in our lives, Poet...strive for contentment & it will serve you well...Welcome to AP...you'll find many kindred Spirits gathered here in these Hallowed Halls...& God knows, this world needs all the Poets it can hold...Thanks for comin' by...Take care of you...Your Presence is required for the earth to spin properly, ya know...& you'll make a huge difference in someone's life one day...You probably already have, whether you realize it or not... Wanda
-
I don't lie when i say that this is an eye opener. I won't say sorry, how will it help? I can only say that I hope things go better, that's all I can give you is hope. And I UNDERSTAND what it must be like...don't you think I go over it every day? I want to say that you shouldn't be the one to feel the pain. That their cast off pain shouldn't have gone to you.....
I don't joke when I say that life's unfair and although it made me cry I did love the poem.... -
Thanks for reading, mynameisnoone...I'm glad you liked it...Thanks for hosting a great contest...Be well, Poet...
Wanda
-
I really liked this a lot. The whole thing meant something. The only thing I didn't like was the slang, but maybe there was a purpose in using it. This was different and it let me see into someone else's pain without sounding too much like someone relating a story. It still had emotion without being cheesy. I liked this.
-
So, you see, Carol...we are, indeed, Sisters of the Soul...Love ya right back, Lady... Wanda
-
OMg, Night Hope...yes...this is it, this is the core of it, burning fromt he inside out. Soemwhere in my papers I have my constant states of rage...grief poetry. i am afraid to looka t them now. Angy, oh you bet it is therre. I no longer wake up with a start feeling liek something is terribly wrong..and then, upon being fully awake, I knew it was. I had never had anxiety attacks before..but I knew them well, once upon a heartbreak. Hugs, my firned. This is powerful.
We do, we do turn back and use this horror as a gift for someone else, for manys omeone else's...we know joy because we have known gret sorrow. I love you for your honesty. -
Thanks for reading, FlavoredPoison...Yeah, it all really happened...& this ain't all of it, either...I'm doin' alright now...I'm glad you liked it...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
wow this is an amazingly touching and emotional piece...i am so sorry if all thats mentioned actually happened to u.. and u r a very strong person to live thru so much tragedy. u did an aweseom job of expressing urself and makin ur reading feel the pain. good job!
Yours,
FlavoredPoison -
& this was only about a five year period out of 47 years, my Friend...Thanks for your compassion, swiftlyblue...I'm alright... At least, I think I am... Thanks for hosting a great one, my Friend... Wanda
-
I think everyone has such bad days, and can relate on some level. I feel terrible, though! I never knew all the pain you had gone through. How do you manage to be so sweet and wonderful all the time, darling Night Hope?! I'm not sure I could do it! You are an inspiration to us all.
for Emily
-
You had read this one, back in August, James...remember when I sent you links to dark poems??? Of course, there were a few, so I hardly expect you to have remembered this one...perhaps you forgot it on purpose...I know I've tried to...James, we all have our own pain, my Friend...Mine is no greater or more difficult to handle than anyone else's...it's merely different...& my own...Worry not, my Friend...I'm doin' just fine...sometimes, we need to vent or purge the poison we keep trapped inside...thank you for your immense Heart, James... Wanda
-
A darkness, now lit.
I just happened upon this. By accident. I never even had a clue...just a mere glimpse of a lifetime...like a passing glance through a windshield at someone driving by that you will most certainly never see again.
I truly...certainly...did not know. And you made a reference to your 47-years that- there is more. But the story here...is enough to bring someone down, and they become as dust.
"Night Hope." Now I understand a little more. I was upset recently after losing sleep on a new drug for several weeks. Frustrated. I tried coming to AP, tried watching TV, but my eyes were fried. Seems my glasses didn't have reflective coating.
Then, mysteriously after 3 weeks...I began sleeping again- like a child...and I felt renewed, because my dreams had returned. My dark depression and anxiety was lifted. For the first time in nearly 20 years...there were days I 'almost felt like ME'.
Can you imagine. Had I experienced Wanda...just what you did here in this write...I wonder...do you suppose I would have complained about getting only- ONLY- three hours of sleep a day???
Funny how poetry can affect us. Teach us. I am saving yet another of your writes. I DON'T want to forget. Thanks...for sharing this pain and sorrow. You have found hope, and helped CREATE IT in others. Like me.
I wish you peace... 
-James.
-
Thanks, Sweetheart...but Jess, this isn't all of it, by any means...it was just this particular time period...there's a lot to 47 years than just this...but we are all so much more than the pain we've experienced, my Friend...I just needed to vent so I could get through it all...& I did...I appreciate ya reading with your Heart...Don't worry, I'm alright...I've always used my writing as therapy, which is why I write so much... Thanks, my Friend... Wanda
-
Gosh! I can't believe you went through all that! It made me want to cry when I read this. It's so sad and upsetting to read this. It's such a powerful write and the emotions come right through. I know you wrote this a while ago but still...
-
Thanks, Poet...I appreciate your kind words...Thanks for a great contest idea... Wanda
-
great
wow, man thast a brillant write, you have expressed your emotions extrememly well great job on writing this
all the best in the contest and thanks for entering
+wellsy+
+purity+ -
roflmao Holy shit, indeed, Poet!!! I appreciate your enthusiasm, immensely... I'm all better now... This was just a really bad night...I earned my name the hard way...This isn't my usual style; I always try to leave a Light on in my poems...Sighhh... This one hurt to write, but it hurt worse not to...One reason I write so much; it's therapy... I told a Friend of mine, 'it only hurts when I lay down my pen'...Truth...I'm glad you enjoyed it so much...I appreciate your Time...Keep writing...This World needs all the Poets it can hold...Be well... Wanda
-
O...M...G..
ENCORE!!!!*APPLAUDS MADLY!!* holey shit this is awesome..i feel the rage and hurt and pain. I practically slapped me in the face!!! OMG I AM STUNNED THIS IS SO AWESOME HOLEY SHIT! WOW WAT POWER THERE IS IN THIS PIECE..THIS MASTERPIECES! omfg THIS IS AWESOME! -
Thanks, sylve...I tried melatonin...had an adverse reaction to it...I've tried serotonin, as well...I also have Graves Disease; my thyroid was surgically removed...sometimes, I feel like I drank 6 pots of coffee...other times, I can barely scrape myself off of the couch...one reason I'm on AP so much...can't sleep...don't sleep long or well...so here I be...Thanks for reading with your Heart, Lady...it does make a difference... Wanda
-
That was a wonderful poem with great rhythm and more than that a wonderful expression of human emotion, sadness, regret, anger, & fear. You seem ot be ahead of a lot of people yourself because you know what's happened and how you feel about it and how you'd rather feel about it. I can only suggestion melatonin for sleep. It's a synthetic version of a hormone our body creates when it's dark. It helped me. Then again, I've had times where nothing helped at all.
-
Thank you for your kind words, nerwon...I am much better than I was when this was written...Grief ebbs & flows...& Life is very precious to me...I appreciate your Time...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
How ironic that you should mention Plath...or is it??? I once audited a course on her while I was going to college...I was 19...I felt as though her rage & despair were affecting me adversely...I spoke to a professor Friend of mine about it, thinking I should drop the class & get away from it...He told me something that, to this very day, holds great meaning to me...He said, 'Wanda, the difference is, you take the Light into the tunnel with you.' This particular night, the Light had fled...or so I thought...This night, my very foundation was threatened, Scribe...yet...here I am, writing of Light & Love...surely, that says something??? I await your inherent Wisdom, my Friend...Thank you, rut...thank you for not pulling your punches...it's too important... Wanda
-
Yes...
-
this is AMAZING. i feel your anger and rage and i cant believe all that happened. but you should have faith in that good will come by you. if things arent going right now, just wait and give it some time
~nerny
o and AMZING POEM -
Let's get it said- a poem can only do certain things. A spilling out of a littany of aweful incidents, torments, horrors, ain't gonna get you that new life! But as a journal entry, with complete journalistic elucidation, prosaic illumination, careful chronicalling of events can become the Chap Book from which you draw and distill the artistic creation.
Is a poem a suicide note? Is a suicide note a poem? I don't think so. Don't seek applause for being able to connect one word to another while you world is coming apart-- Silvia Plath syndrome!! You weren't having a bad night here-- you didn't get over it and let's get that said to! Shit is shit. Let's say it. But my darling Wanda- when the images stop "jumping around" take stock. Take care with the foundation of your life. Build it. Fiercely defend it. And sure, write about each and every second of it... you are after all a WRITER, at the cellular level of you, you are a POET... let the poet war against the death, the dying, the loneliness and let the poem breathe independently from the night of February 28, 2005 -- however indebted you are, in the end, to the pain it caused you... Not done yet... rut -
You will, Poet...Have Faith...this poem was more about survival than living...I got better since this one was written...it was a really bad night... Wanda
-
...I have not yet lived...
-
Thank you, Babyruth714...I was feeling anything but courageous the day I wrote this one...but it was a necessary process & became cathartic...when I re~read this, I am still stunned & amazed by what came out of my pen...I merely held onto it for dear Life...Thanks for reading with your Heart...I appreciate ya, Poet... Wanda
-
Thank-you for entring my contest, this was magnificent piece, you let your emotions flow so freely, that takes so much courage, your imagery was wonderful, the shortness of each stanza really emphaiszes them, glad to hear you're doing all right Ruth
-
Thank you, Doug...Good to see you here...Take care of you, Sir... Wanda
-
My site will give victims of grief, relief. Go there for peace: peotectthefamily.net
Gentle Warrior -
Thank you... Wanda
-
i like it a lot
-
Here ya go, my Friend...yeah, I got some construction experience, too...LOL Well, construction news reporting, to be exact...but years of hole~patchin'...Hang in there, Scribe...I'm alright...so are you... Ya just haven't figured that one out yet...you will...I'll help...I'm good at tellin' others their strengths & good qualities...I'm just awfully hard on myself, is all...Poets are their own best & worst judges, ya know...Hey, we've made it this far, haven't we??? We'll make it all the way to the end...I have Faith in ya... Wanda
-
Oh, you SO know how to make me cry. Holes in the heart? Look at mine---swiss cheese. Hold my hand Wanda...maybe we can mortar some of them up with friendship.
-
I'm sorry, ellie...I'm still dealing with it, too...Hang in there, Sweetheart...Just remember one thing, ok??? Even if you sit on someone 24/7, if that's what their intent is, they'll wait until you blink...& it is not your fault...you can't save someone from themself...I have a poem called 'Without You'...the last lines are: 'I would hoist your weight upon my back, but it's up to you to breathe...' You can't breathe for 'em; they have to want to live...Be well & take care of you, Poet...Thanks for reading... Wanda
-
wow this was very strongly written. it was sad actually, i've been left by people from suicide it hurts. i think i may be losing another if he doesn't turn his life around. it's terrible that this has happened to you. the poem was really well written though.
best of hope,
♥♥ellie -
Wowwww...thank you, very much...I appreciate that...Thanks for reading...Be well, Poet... Wanda
-
great poem in my eyes you deserve to win
-
Thank you, dreamlover...this was a tough one; still is...it's definitely 'extreme emotions'...I usually have a much tighter grip on my Self...thanks for reading...& God Bless You, as well...I think He already has... Wanda
-
interesting
Interesting peice of writing..good luck in my contest.
~God Bless You~ -
This was honest, and from the soul. I like how you wrote emotions, and thoughts...
"Yeah.
I've made mistakes.
A LOT of 'em.
Still do.
Shit.
At least I'm trying
to live.
The rest of 'em
gave up. Surrendered.
Threw in the bloody towel."
I can relate ...
Sel~ -
Thanks, Poet...This was a tough one to write, let alone post...It's not my usual 'style'; I always try to leave a Light on...Thanks for reading... Wanda
Adding your comment:
