I long to be with you.
This leap is a guarantee,
When we fall together,
I'm with you for eternity.
So come with me now
Leave just corpses behind.
Those that can't speak
Of the love we now bind.
With our timely departure,
Silence evidence of our tale.
It's but a small sacrifice,
This life we now bail.
So kiss me once more
And give me your heart
Once the beating has stopped,
It can't break apart.
So take your last breath,
Escape this world's cages.
This delicate suicide plunge
Will seal our flame through the ages.
On Earth they won't know that our love never died,
But it will be there when we meet on the other side.
Author notes
'D'
Written February 11th, 2006
A contest entry
- 3 Options-(1)Love,(2)Dark, or (3)Song Lyrics!!! by Squirrel53.
300 points, ended February 21, 2006, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
okay. it's differnet, and that's what i was looking for. something that stands out from all the rest. it was a great poem and i really enjoyed reading it. good luck!!!
Kirstay -
Critical comments first:
The last line in first stanza doesn't flow with the rest of the stanza. It would flow better if you changed it from:
"I'm with you for eternity"
to
"I'm yours for eternity"
The with adds one too mani syllables to the line. This was a veri talented piece filled with a lot of emotion! Great write . . . I like how it ends in two lines . . . veri Shakespearean of you, lol! Keep penning . . . keep sharing . . . and good luck in the contest!
Happi Valentine's Day!
Maggie
-
The flow is very nice..
"So come with me now
Leave just corpses behind.
Those that can't speak
Of the love we now bind."
Is my favorite bit..though just a suggestion I would take out the word 'now'. To me it just sounds better...
Good write though!
Sel~
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This is great. Reminds me a lot of a poem I once wrote called, Falling. Better though. Wonderful job. Keep it up.
Ada -
Is this like one of those, shoot you then shoot myself things? Thats what it sounds like. If so, I like the double meaning in the title. At any rate it's a nice lite romantic plea and I enjoyed it. I think you messed up a little bit in the 2bnd stanza. I'm not sure what you were trying to say. I still iked it though. Your heart can't break when it has stopped beating. I like that, in a weird nervous smiling way. Goood Write and good luck in the contest. Au Revoir.
- The Common Saint
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