burning embers glow
in your eyes
and in mine.
flames, from the lighter in your hand,
reflects off of my pale legs.
shadows are cast upon the broken
walls, and
upon the bridge under which we
hide,
a train speeds by.
you exhale heavily,
and smoke clouds the air near your lips.
I take a long drag
and that familiar taste
overwhelms me--
once again.
Author notes
Written March 9th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Very cool
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the only flaw I find is your background. my eyes must be weak. I squinted on though, and found a film-like quality to your poem. lots of simple, yet symbolic imagery, in the sights, smells, tastes and sounds you've invoked for us. an intimate moment, captured cinematically. thanks for the read
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AwEsOmE
This was fuckin awesome... i know that feelin and ive smoked under train track bridges... i could totally place myself under the bridge t0kin' .... Great job REALLY great job!!!
~* I need a dime of Gr33n N' a pack of Nicotin3*~
Aly -
i like the title of this poem; it really drew me in. i like the simple storytelling of this piece. nice job.
arielle giselle
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If this poem says anything about you as a poet, it's that you've taken a huge step in improving your own skill in writing. I was impressed with this, and I mean that in all sincerity; very simple and elegant, among other things. The only flaw I could find was this:
"light, from the lighter in your hand,
reflects off of my pale legs." -- Perhaps you could re-word this to say, "flame from the lighter in your hand,/reflects off my pale legs"? Using "light" and "lighter" so close together sounds a bit repetitive. Try using another word in the place of "light" by playing around with various alternatives such as "flame" until you find one you feel is perfect.
Other than, though, I liked this, and I think the background adds to it greatly. Very nice job; I think I'll promote this.
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hey sexy nice poem read some of mine ttfn
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:Smirks: Gotta' love it...
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