I'll try to carry the weight,
Of this whole family,
On my shoulders.
But it's harder than it seems.
I'll try to run the household,
Just like I always do,
Only 1000 times better.
Because that's what you're asking for.
I'll try to be responsible,
And make sure nothing goes wrong,
Just like I'm supposed to.
But sometimes I just can't.
I'll try to be the big girl,
That you think I am,
But I'm not ready for this.
I shouldn't have to do this.
This isn't just hard for you,
It affects everyone around you,
And it affects them for the worse.
But you can't seem to see it.
I'm not as strong as I like to think,
I should be out having fun,
Instead of playing 'Families'.
It's too soon for that.
Don't expect me to stand up,
To carry this weight,
To cope.
Don't expect me to find this easy.
That's not gonna happen.
Author notes
I may only be 14, but I hope you wont discount me for that reason only. Please comment on this poem, tell me what you like & what you don't like about the poem itself and my writing style, as well as tips for how to improve the poem/my writing style.
Written April 13th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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At the very beginning ti puts forward an emotion of pain and resentment.
as the poem goes on it drives this emotion home into all our hearts. I know i kind of sound like i'm assesing an essay or something. lol.
Fantastic write. -
erk...
Depressing, touching, and poetic, easy to do but this one has emotion to it, i know what you're going through, i'm sure many people would. -
Deep and well done. I think it makes a good first draft, but you don't have to change it. I know exactly how you feel...are you the oldest in your family? I am and I think you have summed up my feelings when I lived with my family. Actually, I just moved out because of all that... And there are only 4 months til I'm 18. But I just couldn't stand it anymore. Good write, consider revising.
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No, i'm the youngest, but i'm the only girl, and since my mum died when i was a kid i've always been a sort of honourary mother. And now that my dad has cancer, there's alot of pressure on me to keep everything running well. Thanks everyone for the comments and suggestions.
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Are you the eldest? Family breakup? Now you have to shoulder the responsibility for the younger ones? This is what I got from the poem and if this is what you meant then your poem is successful.
If this is what you meant then I would not change the wording because you need the feel of someone young being asked to do something beyond their years. -
I do not think there is anything wrong with your writing style, It is freeverse after all but I do think that it is missing a little bit of body. It is a very powerfull write but I would make some suggestions only because you asked. Off course this is written from your heart and you shouldn't have to change it if you are happy with it. These are only my views and you dont have to take it to heart if you dont want to. I haven't written that many poems to call myself an expert.
Just like I'm supposed to.
But sometimes the weight just draws me down.
I'll try to be the big girl,
That you think I am,
But just as you I am not yet ready for this.
I shouldn't have to do this on my own.
This isn't just hard for you,
It concerns (affects) the whole family,
I THINK YOU SHOULDN'T REPEAT THE SAME WORD IN TWO SENTENCES
And it affects them for the worse.
But you blind yourself to the reality.
I'm not as strong as I want to be,
I should be out having fun,
Instead of playing 'Families'.
I was also not prepared for that
Don't expect me to stand up,
To can no longer carry this weight,
Coping is not easy
If you don't believe me why don't you give it a try
That's not gonna happen.
(I THINK THIS ENDS A LITTLE BLUNT BUT I AM NOT CERTAIN WHAT EXACTLY YOU WANT TO SAY)
I've given you all I have, but sorry dear now I will turn my back
I wrote a poem "please understand" to my husband, about my depression and as he DID NOT understand I wrote "inconsequential grains of sand", perhaps you would like to check it out and give me your feedback. -
I like it it's not crapy it's flowing with emotion that's what makes it so powerful and meaningful this poem reached me on a whole different level because i am actually going through this now and i appreciate that you can write about it
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Awesome
Awesome poem, really deep. I loved it.
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