The feeling of you,
lost eyes amid the dark night,
but you can't see me.
From the first when I saw you I knew,
those deep blue eyes, that smooth satin face.
Lines drawn across your face when you smile,
special smile, but never for me,
your eyes allude, but never for me,
am I being selfish? Wanting you?
but what wrong could I have done, my love.
Tears coming down your face, what is wrong?
I offer my time, but get your back.
I try to help, you aren't receptive;
still you flirt with others; ignoring.
I have affection for you too, but,
You have returned no love to me here,
is my work going to naught, my life?
Desire is strong,
just to hold you in my arms,
I have ached for you.
In my bones, in my heart, in my soul,
I ache for you to be part of me,
Two souls, an endless dance of/for us;
endless waltz into oblivion.
I wait for you, but you don't come here,
you left me behind long ago, love.
Now I am left drifting into space.
High on my love for you, can't let go,
but they say you are not the right one,
your reputation precedes you here:
"She gets around a lot, dontcha know."
But now I am attached, can't let go,
don't leave me here alone, without you,
I need your love, your untiring love.
Like a fly to light,
you can't turn away from it,
you have gone too far.
A close friend of mine, you have grappled;
you know what you are doing to us.
Shot in the heart, pierc-ed through and through,
your arrow, sharpened by the terse hate,
from the quiver of disloyalty.
I'm slain, but not a lone casualty;
killed us because of our jealousy.
Author notes
check out the info on how to make these (my own form)
allpoetry.com/Column/1950747
PLEASE GRAMMAR CHECK AND SPELLCHECK THIS FOR ME I am dyslexic and have trouble with spelling and grammar... I've done a fairly good job to my knowledge but this is for a high calibre contest, and I need it to be the best it can. Friends I'm asking you, please help me here. Thank you in advance.
love, ProdigalPoet!
Written April 16th, 2006
A contest entry
- Lord Of the Rings Spring Into Spring – Teach Me A Technique Contest by lordoftherings.
500 points, ended May 10, 2006, 2 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Sounds and looks good to me. Thank you for taking the time to test it out. I like it a lot, but it was kinda graphic for me at this point in time since I'm having a runny nose, sore throat issue. It's all good though. Nice job. Peace be with you.
~ProdigalPoet -
Thank you for this entry. The reason why I ran this contest was to be challenged. I wanted to try and be creative and imminent the styles put forward in this contest. So here is my first attempt at this form:
A Day At The Hospital
white room sterile walls
chrome steel egg shaped utensils
chilly winter’s morn
I sit in the waiting room, watch him
puke -- security guard gets upset
tries to push him off to the washroom
and I empathize with this puking man
‘cause there are times when I want to puke
all over the egg- white corridors
and on their shiny waxed polished floors,
but I am prideful and feel sorry --
this puking man sitting next to me
in a garbage can from the ID
unit, -- spilling his guts out with germs
and I shiver in these infected
hallways and just wish I could go home
leave these dis-eased infected people
puke green uniforms
rush by me in motioned waves
I feel my abyss
afraid to walk out and caught the flu
or pneumonia that would kill me
unsettled I feel nausea’s wave
watch the puke green rush by hear the puke
come out next to me and I want to
be strong as the security guard
cautiously approaches us two
rush, rush rushing and hear hear hearing
it rises and rises and I try
to stop and catch it before it’ll spew
burning sensation -- stomach on fire --
pain in chest/back/legs -- the vile taste
I don’t want to feel an idiot
I really want this moment to pass
I feel the spring air
awash over my spirit
paint me egg-white walls
the puking stops and the man gets up --
leaves -- heads to the washroom wrenching a-
long the way and the white egg walls float
and my spirit uplifts to connect
as I visualize myself lying
on tepid sand and near desert caves --
the serenade of the turquoise waves
I will be back with my final decision when I finish replying to all entrants. Good luck in the contest.
Gregg
Edited on May 07, 2:46 p.m. because ''. -
Thank you for your comments. I didn't notice any spelling errors, and as my friend always says, 'the human mind is a better editor than an aritifical intelligence'. I guess I'll run it through the spellcheck in word just for fun. Peace be with you.
ProdigalPoet -
Prodigal Poet, I think you wrote a nice poem. My comment, (if it will help) the spell check on here works ok. But, have you tried using theone on (Word) it works real good. If you copy and paste to word, check it and copy and paste back, it might help you alittle. Just a consideration. Good luckin the competition my friend, GETS
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You're welcome. I really did like it that much.
~Amanda~
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Interesting
This is a great poem and I didn't really notice any major spelling or grammar errors. I don't honestly consider myself an expert, but I'll try to share a few thoughts:
At the end of the second stanza:
"but what wrong could I have done, my love." But should be capitalized and this seems more like a question than a comment. I'm not sure the but is necessary since you did already use but in the stanza, it makes it to me more redundant than poetic.
In the third stanza:
I have affection for you too, but,
You have returned no love to me here. I don't think you needs to be capitalized since it is part of the thought not separate.
In the next stanza:
Desire is strong,
just to hold you in my arms,
I have ached for you.
Perhaps more personalized by saying my desire or even give it more intensity,
Just an idea:
"Passion's potent heart fuel
makes me crave for you tender embrace
oh how I feel the inferno in my blood.
The next stanza:
High on my love for you, can't let go,
but they say you are not the right one,
Perhaps it is a bit stiff of a beginning for the expression of love. Give it wings in some such as "Inebriated with longing, I can't let go of you, my venus, my all
even though some mock my love for you with doubts.
Those a just a few ideas. Most important say it from your heart and in your own words. Vary the use of "but" with other options and reread some of the uses of love to see if there is a different word to convey more emotions.
Overall you have the foundation of a great poem. Just tinker a bit and I'm sure that inner voice will shine forth. Good luck in the contest. -
Thanks! I appreciate that! I'm glad you liked it so much.
~ProdigalPoet -
Also I'm bookmarking this one.
-
Excellent
I would have never guessed from reading your poetry that you are dyslexic. You do such a superb job everytime with your poems. I have learning disorders as well, but I do believe your spelling and grammer have hit the nail on the head. As for the poem itself word's can't describe how much I loved it and I know this is a poem that many people can relate to including myself. Very well done.
~Amanda~
Edited on Apr 17 because 'I'm the typo queen of the world.'.
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