Take my hand
And lead me down
The frosted path
Let the thorns tear me
I want to bleed
To feel the sting
So cold and dead
It keeps me alive
The whispers from
Bare-branched trees
Cursing me
Healing me
Child of nature
Cursed by nature
Let me feel
Stony eyed hate
Drag me under
Sinking, falling
So low I burn
Consumed by flames
Let me breathe
Acid air
Dissolving my lungs
I drown in blood
Help me
Open my eyes
So I can feel
My immortal suicide
Author notes
Thanks for the title jh64! The meaning of the poem I'll leave up to the reader. It means a lot of different things to me - and I don't think I could define them all. As always - feel free to tear it apart, judge it and bag it, as long as you're honest.
Written May 15th, 2006
A contest entry
- Be free ii by Illiterate Iguana.
300 points, ended July 26, 2006, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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WELL DONE!!
After alot of consideration you are in the top ten in the contest BE FREE ii
Illiterate Iguana. -
I love the speed of this poem, It works very well with the topic. If feels like this building up of powerful tension. This feeling is made so much stronger by the pounding beating rhythm twisting this human (some would say sick, I say human because I'm sure everyone has this feeling at some point in their life) emotion forcing the tension to build up so much more strongly. I was initially worried by the second stanza:
“I want to bleed
To feel the sting
So cold and dead
It keeps me alive”
As I was worried that your poem would turn into something so typical and melodramatic of this site but you pulled this off amazingly.
well done
Illiterate Iguana -
Didn't like the second to last part, felt its description and usage of words were lesser than the rest of the piece, as a whole.
Overall, minus that part I mention above, a nice piece that you have written here.
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v.good
this is really good, it has a lot of imageary in it which is good so i can picture some1 walking down a small path with this happening to them, well done keep on writting and peace out
-armoured heart- -
I liked the details depicted in this piece- it made it easier to feel the emotion within the writing. Awesome job and keep up the great work ^^ by the way ~ my favorite stanza was..
The whispers from
Bare-branched trees
Cursing me
Healing me
^^ good job again!! -
This is an interesting write.
However the flow is just a little bit off
But Idk, maybe it's because it's so early and I'm tired, as I seem to be the only person who thinks it's off
Well, much love & tons of luck in the contest!
<3 becca -
really like this, good form and a nice topic; can relate to it, which is perhaps one of the most important aspects of writing. Keep it up!
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oh this is so good well written and deep and powerful great job on the imagery just all around a great show of talent...
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And you werent gonna post this! SLAP
Edited on May 16, 10:48 p.m. because ''. -
this poem is GREAT i love it love it love it, and you were asking for advice i should ask u for it my favourite line was
"Child of nature
Cursed by nature"
read my peice 'This Is Me' strange thing is immortals suicide are the last two words in it. Great Write luved the imagery the passion the evrything -
great!
wow... i just have to say..wow.. this is incredibly similar to my piece titled "forever night" check it out, i think you'd be surprised.. the thorns, the burning... just wow.. ok, well anyway, brilliant piece. i love dark writes in general and this was no exception. good imagery, flow and just overall writing. i like the title too! so, good work on this, best of luck with your writings!
~love-music-darkness
Edited on May 16, 5:47 p.m. because ''. -
Very Nice work ^-^ The poem was like a dream, it was written with great description.
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wow those ending lines were chilling. Exquisite work. Why didn't my dumbass ever give you a trophy? Hmph I owe ya one...in fact i'll hold a contest tonite. i got the points.
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Thankyou for your comment - and I love the title!
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Awesome
I agree. "Escort me out of Eden" seems appropriate Well done Coral i like it!
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Cool
There are so many avenues you can take the reader. The only thing I can think of is Escort Me Out Of Eden. I like it, even though the Free Verse is tough to call sometimes.
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