Exodus Immortal
An Epic Poem
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This is a story so if you havent read the prologue go to this link allpoetry.com/Poem/2023261
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Chapter I
The Curse
Through the vast ages of time men have committed numerous acts of incredible evil, and many would go unpunished. While some that were punished believed their sentence to be too harsh. The hero of this tale is one such man. Athensius, a caring and compassionate prince, would soon spend the rest of eternity paying his debt to the world. The tale of Athensius begins in his father’s empire, the Scillian Empire. His father’s domain was centered around a small island off the coast of Morocco.
The Scillian Empire was a vast and prosperous place under the rule of King Charis. Charis was a wonderful man, although in his late 80’s the empire feared who would succeed him as king of all of Scillia. Charis had built the Scillian Empire with his own blood and sweat, expanding its boundaries from the Scillian capital all the way to Russia. His life had been led with but one mistake, the conception of his son. Charis would die naturally in his sleep at the age of 84.
It is the coronation of a new king, the first-born son of King Charis. This day will forever go down in history as the beginning of the end for Scillia. The first 13 or so years of Athensius’ rule passed in peace. The people continued to prosper and adored their new benevolent king. The rule of king Athensius would expand the empire’s reach down to the southern-most tip of Africa, Making the empire nearly 2/3 of the known world. Everyone loved and adored Athensius until that faithful day…
One day when Athensius was taking his morning stroll through the castle’s gardens, a guard approached Athensius and told him of a man requesting audience. Unknown to Athensius, the visitor was a prophet bringing vital news to the future of the empire. Athensius being preoccupied by his stroll denied the man audience, and told the guard to return to his post. A little while later the guard once again returned with a message that the prophet was still requesting audience and was saying that his information was of vital importance. Once again Athensius denies audience to the hooded stranger. With this fateful act the fate of all of Scillia was and the king himself was set down a dark path of pain, agony, and regret.
Darkness swept across all of Scillia invoking sinful acts and the spread of an epidemic. The great plague spread through the empire like a wildfire. Although strangely enough the plague never left the boundaries of Scillia it stayed restricted to the cursed kingdom.
The empire was nearly wiped out in a matter of months. The plague caused severe internal bleeding, swelling of the tongue and jaw muscles, and a painful death by suffocation from the uncontrollable swelling. When the citizens of Scillia found out that Athensius denied audience to a “prophet,” they blamed him for everything. After this point the citizen’s view of their king began to change from benevolence to malevolence.
After more than ¾ of Scillia had died from the plague, the infection rate quickly dropped to slow and fall to 0. After the epidemic was halted in its tracks the prophet returned to the Scillian Keep again. But just like the last time, Athensius denied him audience once again.
With Scillia in complete disarray, Athensius begins to realize what he had done. He began to realize that he had destroyed all that his father had strived to build. He realized that his decisions left the empire in shambles, and with these thoughts in mind Athensius slowly began to descend into a state of madness and utter evil.
Now in his new state of pure malevolence, Athensius passed laws stating any person whom dares to defy him would have himself and his family sent straight to the guillotine. For some time this worked, but after a few months the citizens of Scillia hid their families from the government and started to rise up against Athensius. All of who lost their lives. Eventually the law became so heavily enforced in the Scillian capital that when Athensius’ own brother got into an argument with Athensius, he had him and his entire family beheaded. The empire was now facing its second task… having a tyrannical monster for king.
After about 2 years of malevolent rule the prophet once again returned to the Scillian capital. But unlike his other attempts to see Athensius, this time he was granted audience. When Athensius saw the man walking toward the throne he stood up to try and see him better. When the prophet was closer, Athensius tried to step down but stumbled. When the man was about a foot away from the throne he stopped and bowed his head. He said, “My name is Therantos… and you have committed a crime worthy of godly attention. For this you will be punished for all of eternity.” Athensius, having a drunken look on his face, sat back down in his throne. The next thing the prophet said would haunt Athensius for the rest of eternity. He said, “To be left in endless pain, your curse has now been set; the death of all the royals, begets the death you’ll never get!” and with that the prophet turned on his heel and vanished into thin air.
900 years have passed since Therantos cursed him, and Athensius' pain and torment begins to become unbearable. Many times he tried to take his own life, but all fail for death isn't an option for an immortal. As time trickles forward Athensius began to learn from his mistakes; his lust for death and destruction began to fade, and his kingdom would slowly begin to once again prosper. But time had taken its toll on his mind.
As Athensius slowly descended deeper and deeper into madness, his attempts to make up for his sins and quest to break his curse slowly began to become meaningless and sparse. He gave up on the world; he stopped eating, sleeping, he even stops taking breath. He would spend the next decade in this immortal depression. But all was not lost; Zeus wouldn't just sit by and watch this happen to Athensius after all his attempts to change.
From the heavens, rattling the ground its self, a booming voice was voiced. "Athensius," said the voice, "Listen to me and listen well, to end your everlasting torment and suffering you must first break the curse which vexes you. You must set out on the dangerous path towards Moenia de Moralitis, in which you will find a man, the man, the necromancer whom cursed you nearly a century ago. But this will not be an easy venture. Therantos knows you are coming, he will block the pathway and you will only be freed once you have surpassed these obstacles. If you prevail in this quest your soul will be freed and mortality gained."
On his last ounce of energy Athensius ran toward the capital’s port and took the largest and most grandeur vessel he can find. Once Athensius sets out to sea he quickly realizes his quest would not be easy, and he could see his first challenge steadily approaching.
Author notes
Links to the rest of the story
Prewrite
allpoetry.com/Poem/2021514
Prologue
allpoetry.com/Poem/2023261
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If you'ld like to be im'ed when the new chapters are released or a chapter is rewritten send me an im saying "Add to Exodus List Please" hehe
John 
Written May 22nd, 2006
A contest entry
- - The Fantasy contest - by Aureola.
300 points, ended September 10, 2006, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Heyy! Thanks for entering my contest! This is a well written story, although not flawless. I wonder how the people could just hide their families? And why would Athensius just deny the prophet audience? some questions unanswered here. but overall, it's a good write! Keep it up and good luck in my contest!
♥ Aureola -
Improving- Good So Far, Work on it
First of all, forgive me for not getting to this until now. I've been off AP for about a week. Now, let critique shall we. I really enjoy doing this I'll have you know. You should appreciate my critiques because out of all the AP geeks on this site. I am the B*tch of b*tches, and I am proud of this. So let us begin. I will start by commenting as I read then you will get one final critique at the end.
(Note: I will put a space in between where the paragraphs are.)
Great opening paragraph. I really like this.
Nicely written second paragraph! I love the way you said Charis built his empire with his own blood and sweat. Nicely done. I was thinking as I read that you mention the boundaries of Scillia. Fleeting thought.. But if you decide to get this published eventually there should be a map on the first page of the book mapping out Scillia(several maps: one for a certain year or time frame?. Hmm. I don't like the last sentence. Its somewhat thrown in there. IT needs to put somewhere else more fitting or just omitted(which is my preference because his age at death has little to no importance).
I like the first sentence, but I feel there should be more in between here and the former paragraph. Where is the time in between coronation and birth? I like the word benevolent. I believe I have said this before. I like the fact that there was peace for thirteen years, but can't you elaborate some more? Okay, once again you are putting unneeded sentences in here. "Making the empire nearly 2/3 of the known world." I think goes without saying. I think you should stress the issue of peace in this paragraph maybe even a chapter.. OOhhh!! I love this last line! ITs a keeper defintely.."Everyone loved and adored Athensius until that faithful day..." Great luring of your reader with this sentence! But is that word supposed to be "fateful"?
Hmm.. not enough imagery here in this paragraph. Describe the garden and the way he walked and the type of day it was (rainy, sunny, muggy, etc.). I need you to make this come alive to me describe the tortured Athensius! Tell me is Athensius think of something or someone or infinte things?!?! I still don't quite think you have a good reason for him to deny the prophet. Open the eyes of your reader and draw them in. Once again, I love your last sentence in the paragraph. IT is obvioous that one liners are your specialty. Maybe there is someway you can use this to your advantage.
Once again you need to elaborate! I like what is happening here, but you are producing in the reader absolutely no imagination. Make this paragraph longer. Create imagery that invokes the readers soul. Imagery that puts them deep into the putrence of plague, etc.
Okay, this paragraph is not very well structured.. The second line should probably be used in the previous paragraph..Grrr! .. THis paragraph annoys me. Half of it talks about plague and the other half does not belong. It needs its own paragraph and much elaboration.
This paragraph does not sit well with me at all. This doesn't even deserve to be a seperate paragrah. It should probably be added up where the plague is talked about and included as elaboration. OH and I don't like this "the infection rate quickly dropped to slow and fall to 0" little part here. It just doesn't sit well with me. Couldn't you say something along the lines of (that part^^^subtract "to slow and fall to 0.") Which I see as coming out like (infection rate quickly began to fall until no illness remained in the land)
Elaborate. Once again you are just stating again. I do like your words however like "shamble", "dissary". Oh this last sentence is beautifully written.
NO matter how much I love the words malevolence and benevolence.. don't use those words again. Its repetitive, and could bore the reader. (Not me of course.) Use closely related synonym for those two words. Change them everytime. I can tell you like them, but no more okay? This is good stuff. Actually, but (and there is always a but)you do need to of course use more elaboration and you do know that the guillotine is french right? This isn't France is it? ..Tisk Tisk.. how much must I stress your elaboration?
ahh! no malevolent! This is the best elaborated part of this story, and surprisingly this is the only one that really hasn't changed. I love this part. I know I've said it before with the stumbling and what not. Good imagery here. I really do love the little curse the prophet says. It has so much class and a touch of old.
I love this sentence, but I believe that it should be the start of probably the next chapter. I think that this entire chapter should be devoted to the death of the old king, the destruction of peace in Scillian and finally the curse as the last final note of chapter one, to be honest. That way the reader is urged on to read chapter two. LESSON: Always leave the reader hanging.
I love the whole decent into madness factor. Its so dark and tormented which is exactly the feeling I get from our main character.
Interesting that our character hears the voice of a god, Zeus, I'm assuming... if I may be presumptuous. I think that this is a little lacking this paragraph here. I like the city name "Moenia de Moralitis" cute, kinda latin(don't punish me if this is latin. I don't know latin) kinda don't know. I like how you reiterate the word man, the man like that. Good job right there.
Ok! Last paragraph! NO NO NO! .. okay you are not writing a short story here, are you? IF you were than this last two lines would be acceptable, but they are not. You can't get away with that that easily! Ok.. where to begin. Well, of course. I hate when you do this and just state things so bluntly. hmm.. how to change this? ..well, elaborate (how did you know?) first of all. second, I like the way you end the sentence with "he could see his first challenge steadily approaching... Maybe this needs a little work too. I mean I love this little line, but I think you should lengthen it and use more words. Let this flow.
Jeeze, I was hoping this would be flawless, but you are improving it. Just don't move on until you learn to ELABORATE. I am a very huge inforcer of elaboration. I think one should always stress their point by backing it up somehow. YOu have the basis of a great story, but I am not satisfied. I think you can do better. Don't get me wrong. I think you have vastly improved this version as upposed to your last version of Ch 1.
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A good, imaginative write
A good imaginative tale; however, some grammatical errors mar it, eg. you don't success to a throne, you succeed; I caught several others, but all in all well done. -
a captive tale, holding me to my seat throughout, great work
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LONG but good. i really liked it. Keep it up okay!
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I thought this was an excellent story. Your words flowed well, while your imagery was highly vivid yet easy to imagine. The tale you told was both exciting and haunting, while the land and people you described possessed nearly historical authenticity. Great Writing! ~Charles~
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heh after rewriting this chapter 3 times i think it is time to move on to chapter 2
lol
Edited on May 27, 2:33 p.m. because ''. -
hey bro!!! very very good write! its worth every minute spent reading it and has a very good story 2 tell! i think it is ~love,ur lil sis Natalie
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Almost there. Keep going.
Your words are a little shaky on this you misspell a little. YOu should spell check before posting, but I like the way you say that this is a dark day, his coronation... To bad Athensius did not see this prophet... You need to elaborate. You speak too distantly as you write this. You speak of a plague. YOu need to elaborate on this plague and maybe even go into the empire and show the plague. Make it come to life. Nice word usage. I like how you said that "the people's view of their king began to change from benevolence to malevolence".. ouch, his entire family to the guillotine.. nice touch.. I love the incantation the prophet says. That is a very nice touch and the way he stumbles off the throne. I can see it.. All I can say is elaboration. Elaboration. Elaboration. I really like where you are taking this story, but I feel that it is lacking. Let yourself go and write until you can write no more. This story has the basis of greatness. All you need to do is let yourself go. GOod luck. Keep me informed. -
Well, isn't this the business! Fabulous ...
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this is a great write i really enjoyed it
enp -
fantabulous
wow...
is this real history-ish, or not?
great piece. -
Chapter 1 is now complete, this is the rewritten version
John
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ohhhhhhhh good
it was definitely worth every minute of my time on it and I love the words used, and the names of people and stuff seem really unique but my favorite part was the words of the curse they had such a flow to them. Great job keep writing so you can get the next one out
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striking
aside from a few grammatical mishaps, this is an excellent start; you know how to win an audience and are wonderful storyteller
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I agree. It is a very resonable and without a question a good story. I will tag it as well, as it makes me want to read more. I think it should be longer in depth describing him and his reasons for wanting to die and so what but it is good as is. I like it alot, dont stop.
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INteresting work. I like it thus far. I think that chapters should be longer, but this sparks my interest so I will bookmark this, and I want to know what happens! Keep me informed. I am so very interest in this story.
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sounds like your off to a good start... the concept is very interesting..beginning to think i should catch up again on my greek mythology...peace to you...shzoosy
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