The morning sang her songs, sweetly.
Melodies spun from Sea's dreams
their mistress called, in tempting dress,
cobalt blues, iced thick in misty gown.
Those who longed to hear her words
set out from ghostly shores;
the loyal crews, with sailors' hearts
stargazers, in breathless awe.
Their oars tickled her ivory surface
paisley swirls of dragon's sighs.
They, climbed board ship with aspirations
and felt the ease of home once more.
No regrets, just wild tales in memory.
Only footprint hints left in the sands.
Nonchalantly glanced toward somber soils;
upped anchor, bade adieu to dry worlds.
They are merely a shadow's whisper
gliding across the twilight seas
with sails of starched white billows;
complements of her crisp salty breeze.
Author notes
Free Verse
Written June 8th, 2006
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Your blank verse poem has an “other-worldly” quality to it, which I think is what you meant to do. There is a power in the sentiment that I find interesting because it is clearly there, yet it is not overwhelming. You paint a vivid image when you speak of your oars tickling the water and the paisley swirls of dragon’s sighs. This poem is a good attempt at blank verse, but I found the occasional spot where the meter is forced. I frequently have this problem myself, and I find that laying the poem aside for a couple of days lets me read it in a new perspective. I’m sure you have a strategy for that, too. I know you worked on this after it was posted, which is admirable. I think it is a sign of good character and a desire to learn to make the effort to address editing suggestions. Thank you for entering our contest. This was a lovely poem that you gave everyone to read and enjoy! Best regards, Toni
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good vocabulary
Your poem concludes in a peaceful, serene place, after the excitement of the sailors' voyages. You begin with a verse full of alliteration and metaphor with emotive vocabulary, such as "Sea's dreams," and "tempting dress," which express a unique insight.
There is more unique image in "paisley swirls of dragon's sighs."
Grammar and punctuation are excellent and I am unable to offer any suggestions for you to improve.
Well done.
Thank you for entering our competition...Richard..
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Great write here. You use just amazing word descriptions that draw wonderful images in the mind of the reader. I really like this a lot. I have to agree with StevenHoward, made me think to "paisley" is just what swirls of fog look like.
Keep writing
MB
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great write
Hi Mom
Oh!!! I like this alot. What wonderful word choices. Made me feel I was going out to sea right along with them.
Hope you get to feeling better soon
Luv ya a bunch
Sun
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I love the third stanza. It is so powerful and mysterious. I'm loving it! Really good work!! Keep it up
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Nice easy read. Excellent form. I found the rhythm just a tiny bit bumpy in one or two places. but I found your word choice great and the images came out clear. I find free write non rhyme more of a challenge than rhyming patterns. And even though the last stanza has rhyme, I think this is a good piece. you might find this intresting, I did,the first stanza has sentences starting with,the and their.in the second,those and the. In the third, their and they.I noticed the 4th has they.Thats where the pattern ends. The last stanza is set apart not only by rhyme but it does not have the, the their those the they they pattern. Just an observation. I'm sure it means nothing. But you could be on to something if you could perfect the repetition pattern.
I hate these double borders, makes the end of lines
hard to read.
Edited on Jun 12 because ''. -
It fits the picture perfectly, and your wording is beautiful.
I found "paisley" to describe the swirls to be particularly creative and unique. It made me think, and you are absolutely right, that is the pattern, but I never thought of that before. Very clever.
All of your descriptions are powerful - no wasted words. I really enjoyed it.
Best of luck in the contest. -
This is really good. I think you chose your words really well.You sure have a lot to say about one picture! Good luck in the contest!
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Razzberry: Good to have you here. I hope you get a lot out of being in the competition. Peace to You. Richard.
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Thank you for entering the contest, Razzberry! The judges will be by later to leave full comment and critique. Best luck in the contest! Toots
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