Dad
Why do I feel responsible for your life?
Like today
I forgot it was Fathers Day and the guilt is eating me up
I feel responsible to protect myself and my loved ones from you
Your alcoholism
Your drug addiction
How your hand's always out asking for money or whatever
Until you bleed us dry
I feel like if I decided to never see you again
Or for a while
That you'd kill yourself because of it
But why should I feel guilty and responsible for your life?
Why do I feel like I should of been enough to stop your addiction?
I wrote you a letter
Crying my heart out
Wanting to give it to you so bad
And at the same time knowing that you wouldn't hear a word of it
Why am I the guilty one Dad?
Why do I beat myself up Dad?
Why do I feel responsible for your life Dad?
I'm not your mother
Or wife
Or friend
I'm your daughter
And I didn't hurt you
You hurt me
And I feel guilty and responsible for you?
It's ridiculous
Because I shouldn't feel guilty and responsible for you
It's not right
You should feel guilty and responsible for me
So step up
Be a man and a father
Stop using
Stop the addiction
Because only you have that power
Not me
Author notes
This is a complete outpour of feelings and anger that I have towards my dad. Those of you who frequent my poetry or know me know what I mean and how it's like. I am just so fed up. I don't know how to stop feeling guilty and responsible for him so any advice on how to do that would be appreciated. I hate him and yet I love him so much at the same time. I just don't know how to stop getting hurt by him. Please this is a very sensitive subject for me and is incredibly raw and personal so please no critical comments. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read and comment. They are always appreciated.
~Amanda~
Written June 18th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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My heart
As a father that has been estrange from his daughters for years but did except his responsibilties I feel sad as I read this. Only recently has my daughters come back into my life & honestly I am so nervous I do not want to make the same mistakes agian. To forgive is a Godly thing
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I have forgiven a lot of things that he did. I see him getting better now and when the actions change it is easier to forgive. He's accepted some responsibility for once in life. I'm happy he has a better life now. Thank's for the comment.
~Amanda~
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great
great poem!!! i feel the same towards my dad only him and drugs
i cant tell him to stop again last time i tried i was 9 and i didnt understand why i couldnt see my dad for 3 months, just coz i told my mum he was giving and smoking wierd tabaco.. now i know all about it and im scared its too much for a 13 yr old. i express this anger/sadness in my poems i hope you'll read them and maybe comment on them. byebyebye xxx -
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I now about messed up dad's. My dad would not only drink, but use drugs as well. I remember when I was 13. It was an extremely tough time for and it was very hard to deal with. He's sober and clean now with a new fiance and I hope it stays that way. As I've grown older I just kind of detached myself from him or he would of distroyed me. I will read and comment on your poems. It might not be right away, because my grandma just died on Saturday Oct. 20, but I won't forget to do it. Thank you kindly for the comment.
Warm wishes,
~Amanda~
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Gosh, this is good. I can totally relate my father is the same thats why I like this so well. Don't stress over him though keep your life going good and it is his choice to be a loser in your eyes. Keep up the good writing ! <3 Tiff
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Thank you for the comment. Luckily my father is doing better right now. He's engaged to a nice woman with a 15 year old daughter, so he has a family now, which I am really grateful for. I hope it lasts 'cause this is the biggest positive change I've ever seen in him.
~Amanda~
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Important
Raw feelings well expressed. Your plea to him is well written here but really needs to be written to him directly. I'm not sure it will help... but it's worth a try. Talking to him doesn't work... that's for sure. So try writing him... maybe going through the eyes is better than through the ears. -
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Thank's for the comment. I've tried writing to him before, but everything with him goes in one ear and out the other. It's frustrating but nothing penetrates through to him. The best thing for me is just to see as little of him as possible, and so far it's been working. Overall I'm not doing to bad.
~Amanda~ -
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hey kid.... Happy Birthday.... I sure miss you. Wish you and your Mom were still training. At least then we always had time to see each other.... take care... and big hug.
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Man, that sounds like the fight of a lifetime. Good for his mom for having a clear head about it and is willing to do anything for her son. Is this still something that they're going through, and also how old is your friend, because the second he turns eightneen his dad has absolutely no legal right to have anything to do with him? I hope everything turns out great for him.
~Amanda~
Edited on Jul 19, 11:57 p.m. because 'Typo.
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you and your long posts
. Yes his dad got custody of him for about a year. It was when my friend transformed from his old self, into his new, 'goth cutter' phase. On a visit to his mom back home here, he 'missed' his plane to go back, and he's been here ever since. He hates that man so much, and so does his mom, but his mom had a clear head about it, and is sueing him in court for it, even though they've spent the better part of 5 years in court trying to get him away from my friend. Thanks for your replies.
ProdigalPoet -
There are just a couple of things and questions that I forgot to say and ask. Did his dad get custody of him? I know the answers probably no, I hope, but I had to ask. Tell your friend I wish him the best, if it won't sound to strange coming from a person he doesn't know, but only tell him that if you think it's appropriate. Also you do know what it's like to lose a father and yes it does sometimes feel that he might as well be dead with all the abandonement I've endured from him. I will be fine though. I am a strong, tough woman and I'll get it all figured out. Also I forgot to give you a cyber
. Lol. Take care my friend.
p.s. If you like, look for more poems from me soon. I should be writing my second fantasy poem soon. I've just got to get the kinks worked out.
Edited on Jul 19, 9:15 because 'No one said I was the perfect typer. Hrumph.'.
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I figured out a lot about myself recently. I'm growing up and things are coming clearly to me that were imposssible for me to figure out. My dad, I just found out as I grow older I'm learning more and more about how to deal with him. Yes, he breaks my heart. The one thing that has changed the most about me is the willingness to fight, to go after the things I want, and to take responsibility for my life. The situation with him, I finally see some hope and light to figuring that out, and if it comes to not seeing, then I'll do that, but I think I wont have to go to that extreme. By growing up and healing old battle wounds and figuring stuff out, and by getting more activities and people in my life that I love, I won't have as much time to see him, and by having those things I'll know how to guard myself better.
As for your friend. His dad had absolutely no right to do that. How horrible, I can't even imagine. At least my dad never tried to get custody of me. Your friends dad would call you and search his e-mail online. I agree that's creepy and just absolutely immoral. I wish the best for your friend.
I'm sorry about your dad. You were 11. A hard time to lose one's parent. I was 15 when my uncle died. I swear your early teen years are the hardest to lose someone, but they live on through us and our hearts.
See my reply is longer then your comment, so never feel sorry about rambling on with me. Take care of yourself.
~Amanda~
Edited on Jul 19, 7:53 because 'Darn typo. As always.'. -
Hey, I don't really know exactly how you feel except that my dad passed when I was 11, almost 7 years ago. So I know what it feels like to _not_ have a dad, which is what it seems like you are going through. Thus I can't really give you much advice. I'd just say stop him seeing you. It might be the only step to have everyone related to you who he knows where they live move without telling him. It seems like a pretty sketch subject, as there's not much you can do. My friend has a horrible dad who lives in alaska, a different state, and he tried to get custody of my friend, but my friend hates him, so they went to court. It was really creepy, the whole time, because he would call me, and search my friends email online just to find what he was doing. Anyway that is a long story, but I hope you can get through this alright. I'll check out your more recent poem later as I have to go. Good luck, and blessed be.
Peace,
prodigalpoet -
Thank you so much for the comment. I do know that it's not my fault, just feelings get in the way of knowing sometimes. I am sorry for yor stepdad and mom. I agree it is ridiculous that she spends time with him insted of her own daughter. I don't understand that eaither. Thank you for letting me know there are people who care.
Love ya,
~Amanda~
Edited on Jun 21, 6:17 p.m. because 'Darn typos get me everytime.'. -
It is surely something I could try to do. Your comment is so sweet and it did help in making me feel better. It's nice to know there are people out there who care.
~Amanda~
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Aw, I am so sorry huni, I am utterly speechless as to what to say. This poem reminds me of my stepdad, he's an alcoholic and he is so abusive to my mother and I, luckily, I don't have to be around it anymore and though my mom has a choice, she chooses to spend time with him instead of me, its ridiculous
Don't feel bad about father's day nor your dad's illness. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, and in your message I sense that you know that but its true, always love yourself.... I know you're doing the best you can, always know that I am here
Sara Dawn
Edited on Jun 20, 5:08 p.m. because 'typo'. -
this is really touching!! im so sorry abt ur situation! i really hope theres sumthin i can do yet i dont know how to deal with these situations!!Well dear, maybe if u try to ignore him for a while and leave him alone, he'll feel ur absence and regret what hes been doin.. just try.. but leave him the letter at home.. there'll come a day when he'll read it for sure..and maybe regret it.. u'll never know..Im not sure this will work out but u gotta give it a shot at least..but then again, u know better..if u dont think thats the right thing, well dont do it.. its just a proposition!!
wish u the best of luck and hope things will work out...
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Is easier said then done. He is a serial stalker who will follow me everywhere I go. If I say that I don't want to see him he'll just end up on my doorstep and if I don't let him in or am gone when he shows up I'll be damned if he won't break into my house. He did when my mom, Samantha, and I were in San Diego on vacation, so what's to say he won't do it again. If we moved and didn't tell him where we were I'd be afraid that he'd start hasseling my grandparents since he knows were they live. He even scratched my grandmas car with a key once before and left a two inch long scratch. I know because I saw him do it. Yes I could get a restraining order against him and have him arrested if he came close to me, but I'm afraid that once he got out of jail he would just show up yet again, and it would be an endless cycle. I'm not strong enough to deal with that right now. It's a more serious situation then anyone thinks. He is really that terrible. The best I can do at the moment is just see him as little as is necessary and work as abslutely hard as I can to make myself an incrdibly strong and healthy woman. I know almost twenty two years of guilt and abuse is more then enough. I mean my god my birthday's this coming Sunday. I do believe that I will figure it all out though. The first move is working on myself and then figuring out where to go from there.
Love you,
~Amanda~
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