This flaming pyre,
this agonizing, ritualistic dance
of death & destruction,
ends here & now.
You cannot hold my heart aloft,
clenching it with wretched rage,
devouring my dreams ~
I cannot breathe
this brutality anymore.
You turned your back on Life years ago,
choosing insolent shadows
over the cleanliness & clarity of light,
shaking my soul to its ravaged core.
I swept up the shattered shards of tempered glass,
repaired it with a paste of my own blood & bones,
trying to alleviate your anguish
& ameliorate your melancholy
with the mellow music of memory ~
you've refused Love's solace
with salient screams of devastating despair,
falling into sorrowed silence,
denying to speak & seek further help.
Eyes red & swollen
with unwept tears shed too many times,
I crawl into the jagged edges of my aching,
folding it around me like a too~thin woolen blanket,
submerged in the savage Winter's blustering breeze.
I shall love you always...
from a safe distance.
~ July 17, 2006
8:15 p.m.
Author notes
Picture credit: "Solitude" by Frederick Lord Leighton
Picture courtesy of art.com
For my brother.
After crying wolf for over 30 years...he finally howled.
"...I would hoist your weight upon my back,
but it's up to you to breathe."
from: "Without You"
www.allpoetry.com/poem/746473
comment from a Friend:
"IM me with the meaning of howled. I am quite disturbed. and I sit here listening to Sarah McLachlan's 'Afterglow':
'Undone by its beauty
Terrified by the possible implications here
I hope you are simply putting your foot down
Releasing burdens you were never meant to carry
Loving tough, pulling crutches'
My reply:
Forget IM's. He tried to kill himself. Damned near succeeded, too. He says he'll get it right next time. I've already lost one sister to suicide. Another one tried. So did my mother. I'm weary of it all. All I can do is pray. & live.
"You can't judge an internal injury by the size of the hole."
~ Salman Rushdie
Written July 17th, 2006
In a list
- Saying Goodbye • next in list
- Gathering Possibilities • next in list
- Sorrow • next in list
- Edgier • next in list
- Stories • next in list
- Deep, Dark & Depressing as Hell • next in list
- Honorable Mentions • next in list
- TREASURED!!! • next in list
- Older Poems (under construction) • next in list
- Dedications (under construction) • next in list
- Inspired by...Various (under construction) • next in list
A contest entry
- Looking For Crickets by Celticmoon.
1500 points, ended July 15, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - sad poems!!! ENTER NOW!!! by PrettyPrincess206.
323 points, ended July 7, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Sorry, I fuhgot the clappy's last year
~ Nicky♥
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very strong, very vivid. you use an elevated tone and carry it off well. this poem aches.
one of the best poems i have read on this site. nearly flawless.
the one correction i would suggest is to the following line: "denying to speak & seek further help." i think it would flow better if you replaced 'and seek further' with 'for'. that is a comment you may take or leave, of course, but the only part of the poem that rang less than strong and brutally for me.
. Rewarded 8
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Nice...Liked the alliteration in the last two lines of the 5th stanza...and the imagery was different..breath of fresh air
. Rewarded 4
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Keep safe.
Wonderful poem. -
"I crawl into the jagged edges of my aching"
Ohhh Wanda, the story the poem tells is horrible, but at the same time I enjoyed reading this so much. You do despair so well, which is not a good thing, I know, but it makes damn good reading
I feel naughty when I write sad poetry these days, but that's the reason I started writing in the first place, an outlet.
I'm off to read more of your depressing stuff
You always remind me that I am not alone in the poetic sense
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Wanda,
Your words are like a breath of fresh air. Your images, they dance in the minds of your readers long after they have finished reading. You leave them to sigh wanting more and so they return endlessly because they know you will give them just what they seek. Thank you for entering and good luck!
Blessings
Bel
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Third time I have tried to leave a comment on this...so here ya go! Outstanding. ~Tia
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cricket
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jagged aching edges...
There she sat this poet
A stranger to my eyes
Killing me softly
With her words
Killing me softly...
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Sighhh...As you can see from this one alone, John...I earned my name the hard way...Hope DOES bring light to the darkness...All we have to do is want it to...& just keep breathing... Wanda
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An awe-inspiring write!!!
Wanda dearest, I know there is no consolation
in knowing that others have tasted your
"Bitter Roots" ...but we have!
Please take solace in the fact that your sharing of yourself so freely, so eloquently,
has given renewed courage for many similarly affected (yours truly, included) readers to bear their own burdens.
Your inherent capacity to endure, resist, and grow is
awe-spiring! You are a wordsmith of the highest calibur my dear.
I have (as I usually do) taken your poem "Bitter Roots" to heart...
It was like you knew exactly what I am going through...
What I am feeling, experiencing, and dealing with.
I was moved to tears many times during the read.
Wanda, did you ever have to exhale deeply
and check your bearings after reading a poem?
Well my friend, I just had to... and in between tears
I came to a realization of what I need to do
Now, if I don't lose my nerve...
How can I ever thank you Wanda ~ Nicholas ~
P.S. Keep that candle lit in your window
You're the Best!
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well this poem is undescribable i mean wow its soo sad and good that i dont know what to say i think that you have some real talent keep it up i mean it would be a shame if you gave up such a talent if you would try a little harder you culd do any thing you put your mind to keep it up and good job and i mean that this is one of the only poems that tuched me like it did i cant say this enough keep it up and write write write over and out - bringer of missery
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I can relate to what you said a safe distance. From the sounds of this it was not a healthily relationship. I love someone who was not good for me nor would seek help it almost destroyed my heart. It took me many years to recover from it. I could relate to the words. Maybe this is what the write brings up those feeling from the past. I thank god I am not longer that person, I still shed tears for the pain it caused me great write. I love it
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depth and clarity...
Simply great... this work is tight and taut. There is great depth there combined with a clarity which allows the reader to see deep inside. You can be very proud of this effort! -
Oh my
This was a breathtaking piece of poetry. My favorite part was:
I cannot breathe
this brutality anymore.
You turned your back on Life years ago,
choosing insolent shadows
over the cleanliness & clarity of Light,
shaking my Soul to its ravaged core.
That part was so deep and had a lot of raw emotion in it. Great job and best of luck in your writing future!!
. Rewarded 8
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Looks like I got it wrong, huh? I never read the author's notes before I make a critique. I try to let the poem speak for itself, and I certainly got it wrong here, didn't I? I apologize if I offended you, dear, but either way - right or wrong - this is a fine piece of poetry, and I'm very, very sorry for your loss. I just lost my cousin and my uncle in traffic accidents within four months of each other, and I feel terrible about it. All I know is that chucrch helps me, praying occassionally helps me, read the evangelists helps me (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) and that being honest as often as possible helps me, and is actually critical to my ability to live. If any of this helps you, I'm very glad. You're not alone Wanda! There are 6.3 billion people on this planet. All of them know something about loss - even the children! I love you, and wish you the best. Let me know here if you need to bend an ear, okay? Yours - ocerus (Rob K.)
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Thanks, Sweetie. I'm at work now & lunch is over. Have a good day. I'm tryin' to. He's still here, Rob. Still depressed, still wanting to die, but still here. Gotta go.
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wow
this poem is powerful and grips tight throughout the poem . i like this poem. if you have more write like this please let me know. its absolutley faboulus
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you, Poet. Unfortunately, I do have more like this. Come by my pages & look at the lists, if you'd like. I prefer to leave a light on in my work, but the poem writes me the way it wants to. Be well, Poet. Wanda
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TREMENDOUS!!!!!
YES!!! Superb, Wanda!! I was a little afraid that she was going to love him anyway, possibly exposing herself to God knows how many years of abuse, until I read the last line. And then: EXHULTATION!!! Believe me, I know what it means to only be able to love someone from a distance, but it my case it's actually gotten worse than that. At this point, I really can't love my father at all. It's too painful, reminds me of too much hate and of a disastrous past that I simply couldn't avoid or cope with - partly because of me, partly because of him. Anyway, why aren't you reading any of my new stuff? I've been on a tear recently (for me) and I was hoping you would look at a few, okay? Thanks in advance! And again, Wanda, this is simply wonderful!!! - ocerus
. Rewarded 8
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Very painful and powerful
He tried to kill himself. Damned near succeeded, too. He says he'll get it right next time. I've already lost one sister to suicide. Another one tried. So did my mother. I'm weary of it all. All I can do is pray. & live.
Depression is definitely an unseen foe that sometimes it's difficult to see the symptoms of the cycle appearing. The highs and lows that make life an unstable place for all who we love and love us.
I suppose it is only by prayer and grace of our own and those of others with guidance we can even hope to over-come it.
My heart aches for you, I too stumble too many times and hurt those trying to help out of ignorance and not letting go of the past.
May God forgive us all, especially me.
. Rewarded 8
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bravo
A sad and poignant poem! Too many of us face similar situations so I have entirely too much empathy here...excellent poem...bravo...bravo...bravo...
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you, Michael.
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My gosh. I had to make a choice like this once, I wish I had your poem then. God bless you for sharing your strength with us.
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there are limits to the help
tha can be givien defined by what is gladly received...we can only do our best...God loves our best...PK
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All any of us can do is try...Thank you, my Friend...
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Whoa!
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I can feel the distress and agony in your words. Yes, it is hard to keep at someone who believes their destiny is to end their lives. Sometimes they dig a hole so deep it's almost impossible to pull themselves out. Yup! Prayer is the only way to go...LIVE! Love ya Sis' and I hope you have learned that some people may be beyond outside help and must focus on self-help to recover.
Blessings & Love ♥
Renee
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Dear poetess,a very well written piece of poetry that is poignant yet powerful,the sadness is palpable and the heart often steps back in self defence of the weight of too heavy to bear,many blessings to you,love and light,Yvette
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Thank you, Sweetie...actually, I've lost 2 siblings so far...I only have my two brothers left, & one sister who's been in Australia & out of touch with the family since before 1998...I haven't seen her since about 1993...I lost 15 people in 12 years from my immediate circle, not counting friends & acquaintances...then, I lost Don in Dec. 2003...my oldest half~sister 3 months later...& 3 months after that, in June 2004, I joined AP...AP has been my saving grace all along...it saved my sanity, if not my life...I'm neither brave or courageous, Linda...I'm just a poet...who tries to maintain a sense of humility & Grace in the face of abject sorrow...who's moving out of the darkness & back into the Light...I appreciate ya, my Friend...We all carry burdens that no one else knows about...they get heavy sometimes...but we must continue onward, nevertheless...Take care of you, Lady...precious cargo within...Be well, Poet...
Wanda
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Oh my, darkly sad, but I understand there comes a time when all we have left is our courage for self-preservation. WEll written as always, but also a very disturbing write. You are a rock sweetie, and it's a good thing too!
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I did, Mark. It was a necessary evil, I think, to release the demon~breath of the constantly raw & vivid pain I'd gone through for too long with him, culminating in his attempted suicide. I had to break free, if only for a moment. I was afraid he'd take me down with him ~ although not intentionally, of course. I had to fight to regain my strength so that he wouldn't & couldn't. It helped considerably; it was a bit of an epiphany...& cathartic...Thank you, Gentle Man.
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Yes, Wanda. I remember reading this poem before, and the effect it had on me. It is laced with an eerie, ugly beauty. It haunts. The content is sad. I hope you found solace in writing this wonderful poem.
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Most brilliant, and obvious gold winner before, I have got to be very lucky receiving, if many of these crop up. Great write!!!
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Thank you for reading & for your compassionate remarks, John...We're all so much stronger than we know...until we need to know it...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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A must read.
As I have once told you...you are STRONG!...Your words are strong and your heart is strong....your love is strong and your pen in ALIVE!...You have captured the essense of being a compassionate Poet, as well as a GIVING Poet who has offered her soul for all to see....Of course I was saddened to read about your brother, and all the other heartaches you have endured...I had no idea sweetie....I am touched that you would give me the opportunity to look into your life and feel the pain...I will forever keep you in my thoughts and only have the deepest of respects for you as an incredible Poet, as well as an inspiring Lady....My hope is for your happiness....You deserve it...and so does your family....May God continue to look after you & yours my friend....ALWAYS....Ark
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Thank you for reading & for your kind comments, Erika...I'm pleased you appreciate the efforts I put into my work...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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Congratulations on winning gold in this contest - such a great presentation you have created here with the background, the picture and the poem.
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Thank you for hosting & for your compassionate words...He seems to be doing better now...but I know not to trust that feeling very far, as it doesn't take much to throw him back into the pit of despair...Still, he is alive, breathing, trying to survive...I can only hope...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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I'm so sorry all this is happening to you, this was a marvelous write.
Thank you for entering, and good luck with everything.
<3 -
Thank you, my Sister...It is also one of my most painful...& you've read enough to know how deep a remark that is, my Friend... Wanda
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Thank you for your gracious & thoughtful words, Tom. I appreciate your kindness & your time. Be well, Poet. Wanda
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Thank you for your kind words, Ruby Alice...I more or less gutted myself with this one... Wanda
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Oh yes, I remember reading this poem. This is one of your most beautiful writes.
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Oh the pain! We are reshaped by the pain and learn to deal with it in a myriad of different ways. Even here the light of your love is a beacon strong. Like most people with a strong love light, you recognize the land scape that it shines upon. There is no static landscape in the human soul, but there are those who refuse to deal and confront the pain of cleaning up their own toxic waste. So, out of love and respect for ourselves, what gives all of our love meaning grows out of this, we, the lovers, are forced to give space, not stop loving. Love is an opportunity for the love to see themselves in the most positive light, reflected in the love of the lover, it is as safe space to try out and try on new behaviors and styles, it is an opportunity. This opportunity is often lost because people can't take on themselves for what ever reason. For me it was years of H.A.D. For others it is what ever they can't confront. Be not dispairing. Love always makes a difference and I only survived for many years because I was loved inspite of my crap. There is so much positve strong and beautiful here even in the anguish and pain of a truly sad story. Love, Tom B.
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Very intelligent, really one to sink one's teeth into. I really love all the poetic elements here. Applause, applause.
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Thank you for your kind words, AbusedFlower... Wanda
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Eyes red & swollen
with unwept tears shed too many times,
I crawl into the jagged edges of my aching,
folding it around me like a too~thin woolen blanket,
those were my favorites lines.. this one is very pretty and poetic, you have a way with your words, like all the great poets you do a very good job on word choice and description.
Abused
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Thank you for reading & for your kind comments, Freddy...I'm pleased you enjoyed it...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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Thank you for your gracious words, Erika. I'm pleased you enjoyed my work. I appreciate your kindness & your time. Be well, Poet. Wanda
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Thank you for your gracious words, Ethereal Melody. I'm pleased you enjoyed my work. I appreciate your kindness & your time. Be well, Poet. Wanda
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Thank you for your gracious words, Laura. I'm pleased you enjoyed my work. I appreciate your kindness & your time. Be well, Poet. Wanda
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Ohhh, I'll think of more, I'm sure...
For instance, the lovely Ava Noire...I'll have to look at my list again; many people have come & gone...& some of 'em keep changin' their names...
Thank you for your generous comment...I'd seen your name in a few contests recently, but Life has been a bit...life~like lately... See ya on the playground...some of us do seem to move in concentric circles around each other...Enjoy...I sure do... 
Wanda
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Fabulous poem overall
Your poetry is too intense and heart-felt to be fiction. Then
again there is perhaps some truth in all the best writes. Old
'Shakes' would wish he'd written parts of this. It's not a
criticism, but some terms are much likes Shakespeare's sonnets such as "unwept tears" and "love's solace."
A fabulous poem overall, you've obviously put alot of work into
this. Must go, cheers. Freddy. -
I'm familiar with a few of those names already grm was gracious enough to gift me with a gold membership. I've promised to lick his feet in gratitude for however long the membership lasts
And thank you for pointing me in the direction of poets you feel are stellar. If your own writing is any indication of the talent found in your list, I know I'll be in for a treat!
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I've been here two years as of June. I spent a long time searching for & cultivating relationships with some of AP's best & brightest. I'd like to refer you to just some of the Poets I feel have made more than a significant impact on my writing & on my life: Nicolette, shewolfnative, zayra yves, Lyrical Soul, MuddyKing, Just Rob, Individuality, grm, cvillelisa, transcendental baby, Mary Cat, NurseChilly, Oisin, Mad Moon, AlmostMe, concrete sky, Dantes Inferno, wbiro, Wildequill, suseann, jaunty pill, Presence, Redstormy, A Prophet of 3, Whispered Love, Scott Adelmann, Silver Sionnach, ecrivain01, Danna Hobart, Rowan, Natari Moon...sighhh...Even more...These are just off the top of my head; I have a list that I posted as a "poem", since I have nearly 300 Poets on it...the AP system only runs efficiently with 50...{more power!!!} This will get you started on those dreadfully slow nights when the poems & Poets are far too young & bloody... Thanks again...Be well, Poet... Wanda
Edited on Jul 28, 2:59 because ''. -
You're very welcome. It's a pleasure to be introduced to some new poets and their poetry in such a way
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Thank you for hosting, for reading so quickly & for your gracious words, RedMagdalene. I'm pleased you enjoyed it. I've loved alliteration ever since 1973, in my 9th grade English class, when I discovered poetry & the song "Helplessly Hoping" by Crosby, Stills & Nash...Sighhh...All day, off & on, I've been writing some very lengthy & brutally honest replies on this piece...I'd had it in Zayra's contest until earlier today; this is a most fortuitous time to have seen your contest...I appreciate your kindness & your time. Be well, Poet. Wanda
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I loved the alliteration throughout the entire poem. I've rarely read it here on the site without sounding forced or over-done, but you've managed a wonderful and very strong balance. It works well for the piece, and adds another level of intensity to the subject matter. Strong words from beginning to end, which play well off of one another. Thank you so much for entering.
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excellent presentation
Totally awesome poem Night Hope! You sure have been through a lot of heartache, and I know what a toll that takes. I am sorry for all of your pain, and I pray that life gets brighter very soon.
Ethereal Melody
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Have known other families who have gone through this - many people in their immediate relations committing suicide, as you say - a chemical imbalance that causes this to happen. Such a raw and critical write you have penned here - it does end here and now - you have overcome this and will succeed. Sentiments well expressed in these lines - powerful poem.
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Deep!
Thank u so much for this awesome poem hun. For a long time...I had forgiving the one who had hurt me and did such damage to me...suddenly roots of bitterness started growing back...and both of you have been a wonderful reminder of letting go...even as to with the whys and tears...
Loving them from the distance and forgiving...both of those are two very hard things to do. I am sorry for all the pain you've been through hun.
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This flaming pyre,
this agonizing, ritualistic dance
of death & destruction,
ends here & now.
You cannot hold my Heart aloft,
clenching it with wretched rage,
devouring my dreams ~
I cannot breathe
this brutality anymore.
i think that the beginning of the poem, was the best part, i loved the description, it is such a wonderful write, my comment will lengthen soon, but alas i am tired and need to sleep so i will comment more on your wonderful work in the morning
laura -
Thank you...I've been writing for 33+ years; it has always been & will always be my savng grace. My burdens were no heavier than theirs were. It's just I'm the only one left to carry them now. Life is far too brief to live forever in shadows & sorrow. I love bein' here. Thanks for your thoughtful comments; I appreciate the depths of your heart. Be well, Poet.
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Awww.. This was so incredibly sad!
It just breaks my heart to read these words. Even before I got to the author notes I already knew what you were talking about. And I can't begin to imagine what it must all be like for you. The burdens you must carry must weigh so much. And I think that poetry seems to have become a most beautiful outlet for you. Your words just drip with your heart. You really did a great job of expressing yourself here. So thanks for featuring this so that we all have a chance to share your words and feelings with you today!
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Awww, Sweetie...don't weep for me...I love my Life...Yes, there are things I would change about it, if I could...But what else would it change??? I'm not willing to risk the Beauty & Joy I've known in order to find out...None of us are ever alone, Lynn...& it's too easy to forget that when shadows fall too hard...There are some wonderfully compassionate Souls gathered in these hallowed halls, Lady...I've been fortunate that they've crossed my path, as well...I appreciate your consistent kindness & grace, Lynn...All we can ever do is breathe, hold onto Hope & remember our Faith...& keep payin' it forward...Thank you, my Friend... Wanda
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Wanda - i weep for you and all you have endured and i feel so very priviledged to have crossed paths with you. you have deeply impacted me like i never thought another soul could and i thank you with much love and grace for all that you do but mostly for being the beautiful loving soul you are~
i am honoured to call you my friend and you are never alone~
bless you
lynn -
Will do, JD...Thank you, my Friend.
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That ain't even all of it, Kels. I didn't even mention I'd had 5 surgical procedures done in 6 years, in the 1980's. Yeahhh, I'm a tough ol' liberryan, alright.
Sweetheart, you have always been there for me, even when Life gets far too busy. You brought me here to AP, Kels. You, more than anyone else, have made a huge difference in my Life. Let alone in my "sanity" (notice the quotation marks; CYA time) I love you, too, my literary daughterly unit thingy...my very dear Friend...& the one that drew her Swanee a swan... 
Swanee
"A Swan for Swanee", an amazing drawing done by Poet ILTL4eva7 at the age of 14, can be seen on my author's page. It's gorgeous, as is the Soul that drew it for me.
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Thank you for your thoughtful words, Trina. I lost 15 people in 12 years, not counting friends & acquaintances. It sure as Hell hasn't been easy, my Friend. I earned my name the hard way. I used to think as you did, that it was the "coward's way out". I don't anymore. I've seen too much suffering to feel that way. It's neither brave nor courageous; it's an act of despair, often caused by a chemical imbalance. My brother has tried & tried to get help; everything they've done & the medicines they've given him have only made him worse. I do not hold any bitterness towards any of them. The title was kind of a play on words; "roots" dealing with family. I don't think I'm really any stronger than anyone else is, Trina. We are all so much stronger than we know...until we need to know it. I have bad days, just like everyone else. I just try to hold on until another good one comes back around. So far, it seems to be working. I learned years ago that happiness & sadness are but fleeting moments in our lives; impermanent, at best. I strove for contentment. It seems to have made a huge difference in my outlook on a lot of things. Thank you for your kindness, Lady. Wanda
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Wow, Swans... after reading all that, I believe I have even more respect for you, if that's possible. I'd always known you'd been through a lot, but to read it all at once, and then your comments afterwards... You're just amazing. What else can I say? Astounding, extraordinary, unimaginably courageous... okay, I guess there are a few other things I can say. :-D I'm terribly sorry to hear about your brother... one can only hope that he would look to the people around him (as in, you) to find the strength he needs to carry on... but no matter what, you know you've done all you can for him and it's his choice now. I hope things work out for you, and I'll always be here for you, whether to listen, console, or just share in the joy of the moment. Heck, after 2+ years of knowing you and having you support me in every way, "being here" is the least I can do! I love ya, Mommy, stay strong! Oh, and excellent poem! hehehe...
~Princess Goof -
Let me start by saying I am honored to know such strong, amazing souls here on ap such as yourself. The truth is I don't remember reading this write before. It is a great write as all of yours tend to be. I have just read the above comment and you are one tough soul. Wanda to have endured so very much and still trudge on with faith and hope as you do...it is inspiring to say the least. I have dealt with many friends and family members that have threatened suicide, tried suicide, etc. None of them actually died. It has gotten to the point where I feel no pity for them. This being a wonderful reason why...people I know have tried to kill themselves for hardly a reason...yet here you sit going through all of this and living in your faith...they are taking the cowards way out...you are no coward. Wanda the spirit that resides within you amazes me and I will cherish it always. You are one hell of a woman...Trina
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Life can be really hard and some people don't have the courage for the trek. You can only live your own life, not someone else's, and if they fall along the way, it's not your fault, nor is it your responsability. You have expressed the subject well, as always. Keep on keeping on.
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Right back atcha, Babe... It's easy to be gracious when you offer it in such a manner, Z. ~ & you always do...I am never offended by someone sincerely trying to help me...it's the ones who only offer criticism, rather than an actual critique that get my
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