white lies—
enough for a snowfall
everything you told me is falling
overtaking my spring rain
covering un-mown lawns
autumn changes colour invisible under you
you, cold and
hugging close so the dirt can’t grow
away from you with flowers
*
seasons change
you continue to breathe winter
I fly south,
tired of lies and snow
Author notes
He weathers me no more.
Still unsure about my puncuation choices in this piece. And my stanza breaks. Any suggestions?
Also in desperate need of a title.
Written August 15th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I do really like this, and I like the stanza breaks and punctuation. I would add a bit of capitalization, but I'm not a fan of poetry without it in general. I really love "everything you told me is falling," and "you continue to breathe winter." Inspiring, and I haven't been able to say that about much lately.
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this is a fabulous write! Oh this sums up so many things I am feeling in my life right now.
maybe it is the snow.
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:)
i love this, a very peaceful feeling to it, a sense of acceptance. i didn't notice the punctuation which to me means it is good, cos I didn't go huh, why is that there? Only part that stuck out was the double you and comma there
autumn changes colour invisible under you
you, cold and
Maybe take out the second you altogether. Anyway I really thought this was a wondeful write, and interesting effective metaphor. Beautiful!
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Beautifully constructed, i love how you expressed the white lies like a snowfall over your green grass-- artful
-scarlette
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you little boycotting douche! I've read this already! So now for the attack of the repetition!
I like this because I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. Which is something I always like - and you know it. Especially the bird/freedom metaphor thing at the end that you managed to get in there without saying it (I'm like a bird....) and thus avoiding cliche! making it literal and yet, at the same time, metaphorical. Lovely lovely.
also, un-mown lawns one of my favourite images.
GO YOU. -
Aww, take me south with you. ^_^ I love this too cute poem with, er, most of my heart.
My favourite image was easily
"hugging close so the dirt can’t grow
away from you with flowers"
That was just amazing! I love it!! -
I really love this, truly beautiful. I think it`s great how it is! Amazing.
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Im just so shocked.
Beacuse wow..
Its so brilliant.
WOAH ok
lol I'll just applaud you and leave you alone now. -
Beautiful…and I liked the punctuation – it was effective, I thought; sort of breathless-feeling and hesitant. Those opening lines are killers, really deadly in a quiet sort of way, and the link between the opening and closing lines was very powerful. The weight of the snow, its absolute blankness, reminded me of an avalanche, and the use of snow at the start and at the end added to that feeling by sandwiching the reader between all that whiteness. The seasonal and meteorological references were well done as well – I think it would have been easy to overdo, but you’ve managed it with aplomb and the overall result is one of a transitory shifting, of constant change. Lovely.
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