Edit 3
The driver in his seat
sings at lunch alone
It's a Sita coach.
Edit 2
In a Sita coach
the driver sits by himself
reads the morning news
Edit 1
In a Sita coach
drivers welded to the seats
what else can they do
The bus driver sits
not talking to passengers
it's a sita coach
Author notes
Written September 4th, 2006
A contest entry
- The Technique of the Pun or Word-Play by azure85.
300 points, ended September 22, 2006, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
In a Sita coach
the driver sits by himself
reads the morning news
Hi Kethry - I struggled to get the pun originally but now realise that it is a coach company. I think the power of the pun is lost by repeating the word 'sit'. Maybe the use of 'stands' somehow.
Alan -
Edit 1
In a Sita coach
drivers welded to the seats
what else can they do
The bus driver sits
not talking to passengers
it's a sita coach
hi kethry - welcome to our contest. i like both of these versions, yet i think the haiku can still be improved.
i like the first version because it uses clear sense images and it's more focused with the one driver & a good haiku focuses in on one moment. Your edited version encompasses a whole lot of drivers and thereforealso the last line is not a sense image - something that your readers can see or hear.
Sita is a busline in Melbourne, so i get the pun. it is universal enough? i'm not sure, but i reckon if you can google it, then it's universal enough - & i was able to google it.
i look forward to your response and/or any further revisions,
myron.
-
Welcome Kethry to our haiku contest:
You have a perplexing pun for some of us, does it have to do with the daughter of Janaka, Sita?
I am sure others will leave more helpful comments then mine, Iwish you good luck in teh contest.
Susie -
I don't get it
must be my English.
good luck,
rachel
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