An Interview with...

FArt du’Jour

--A flatulent news magazine

Whiffing out the news for this Daily Farticle our Roquefart reporter—Windy Trousers

                                         WT: Today our interview is with the renowned Fartologist, Fartogragher 

                                         and Fart-o-meter inventor: Professor Sigmoid Colon Flutterblast.

                                         Welcome Professor Sigmoid Colon Flutterblast.

                                                              +Fartologist - a turgid scientific fart; a person that studies farts                                                                 

                                                              ++Fartogragher - a social science devoted to studying the quaint habits of human farters; to take a picture by farting,                                                                    

                                                              +++Fart-o-meter - measuring device that records the frequency , odor, velocity, strength, particles, volume, pressure, and SPI of farts.

                                        PSCF: Thanks ‘Pffffft’ for having me here.



                                        WT:  Professor how did you begin your career as a fartologist , Fatographer, and Fart-o-Meter

inventor?

PSCF: It started while I was working my way through college, my first job was a fart sniffer, where I had to indulge repeatedly in the odors of 100’s of people's farts and record the fragrance. 100’s of subjects volunteered to eat beans and ejected their fumes into collection tubes. After each episode of flatulence the gas went into a container, scrupulously maintaining fart integrity. Then I sat down with 1000’s of samples, opened the caps one at a time, and inhaled robustly. I then rated just how noxious the smell was on a scale of 1-10. (This is the old rating system)

1. Doesn’t smell bad (should not even be considered a fart)

2. Slightly pungent odor (average fart)

3. Increasing hum (better than average fart)

4. Smells horrible (Robust unpleasant pong)

5. So strong, you could taste it

6. Causes vomiting in majority of human species ( my personal favorite)

7. The stench from hell aka The green cloud of death

8.  Prolonged exposure causes paralysis in 90%of victims who smell it

9.  Prolonged whiffs of this stench causes uncontrolled seizures

10. Prolonged exposure causes death by asphyxiation in 99.9% of victims (smell at your own risk)

And you folks at home can do this too.

Fart into several plastic bags and seal them carefully. Then fill several other plastic bags with ordinary air. Wait 24 hours. Then get volunteers to smell the contents of the bags to see if they can correctly identify which ones contain the farts. This should tell you if it is possible to store a fart in any useful way. I have come up with a way to capture a fart in a jar. Do it in the bathtub while bathing. Fill the jar with bath water and then hold it with the open end downward. Lean back in the bathtub so that your fart bubbles will emerge in front of you rather than behind you where you can't see them. Catch the bubbles in the jar, and put the lid on the jar while it's still underwater. This way, you capture a pure fart uncontaminated by atmospheric air. Enjoy your captured fart to the fullest extent.

WT: Sounds like a dream job. I’ll have to try the fart capture when I get home. Is that what made you decide on your chosen profession?

PSCF: Yes , after Fart Sniffing I was promoted to an internship in Fart ANALyzing. And I want to dispel any myths surrounding The Big Bang Theory.

I want to prove that all life evolved from one giant cosmic fart. I also love the smell of farts. The samples were also chemically ANALyzed to determine the most malodorous component.

WT: Fart ANALyzing, Hmmmm, Interesting. Now what did that entail?

PSCF: That is what really made me want to be a Fartologist. It was the beginning of my studies of the flatus. I then learned to ANALyze all the components in farts. In doing so that will prove The Big Bang Theory is true.

WT: What are the components of farts may I ask?

PSCF:

WT: Can the fartminded readers of FArt du’Jour have that in non-technical language?

PSCF: The average fart contains: 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7 % methane and 4% oxygen. The odor of farts comes from hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add greatly to the stench of farts that means the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs are notorious for producing smelly farts, beans produce large amounts of particularly stinky farts.

WT: How do you determine the chemical make up of farts?

PSCF: At the time a much cruder version of the Fart-o-Meter was used, it was called a Gastometer

It tracked units of measure (chemical compounds, gases, solids, vapors etc.) through all calculations and allows you to add, subtract, multiply, and divide them effortlessly, and makes sure the answer comes out correct, even if you mix units like vapors and solids.

Arbitrary-precision math, including huge integers and

floating-point numbers, rational numbers (that is, fractions  like 1/3

are kept without loss of precision,) and complex numbers. Advanced mathematical functions  including trigonometric functions even for complex numbers,) factoring and primality testing, and base conversions.

WT: Ok then. So How is the Fart-O-Meter different from the Gastometer

PSCF: The Fart-O-Meter not only tracks the chemical components and odors of farts but it also determines the velocity, force, volume, pressure equation, particles emitted, dissipation rate and SPI and exposes the type of fart it is:

The Plain Jane, The Beefy One, Green Eggs and Ham, Bunbuster, The Ripper, The Diesel, The Surpise!!!, The Gunshot wound, The Squeaky Wheel,The Worrier, The Poop Prelude. The Gift also known as The Present. The Tiny Bubbles, SBD (Silent But Deadly). GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). Hydrated Aka  The original wet fart, Not Now Please!, Who, Me?, The Waker-Upper. The Electrical, and The Dutch Oven.

WT: For all those not familiar with the abbreviation SPI Tell the readers what that is.

PSCF: SPI is the measurement of stench per inch

WT: Why is that important in your fart studies?

PSCF: SPI is very important in determining the fart travel time and that depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity and wind speed, as well as the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the stench is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever.

Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

WT: Could you demonstrate this Fart-O-Meter for us?

PSCF: Of course I can, Let me hook up to the Fart-O-Meter and give you some examples.

‘Pfffffffft!’

The Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

‘BRAAAMMPPP!’

The Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., Smells like a cross between a decaying road kill on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.

‘Pfffffffft BRAAAMMPPP!’

Green Eggs and Ham. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).

‘BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!’

The Bunbuster. Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves you smarting. You really feel these babies.

‘Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipfffffft!’

The Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.

‘Puttt Puuuuttt Puuuuuuuuuutfffffffffft!’

The Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of reeking, noxious fumes.

'BARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUMPFt!'    

The Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . .

‘Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast’

The Gunshot wound. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like real guns, they are very dangerous.

‘Wheeeeeeeek!’

The Squeaky Wheel. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit muffled but smells foul.

‘pfffffffffftplop!’

The Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

‘PffffffTaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaada!’

The Present aka The Gift. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.

‘Bluuuuup! Bluuuuup! Bluuuuup!

The Tiny Bubbles. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.

‘  ‘

SBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)

 ‘Pfffffffffftzzzzzzzzzzz!’

The Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.

WT: Thanks, for the demonstration, I really enjoyed it.  Now that you have all this information Professor, what do plan on doing with it?

PSCF: I am currently working with the Department of War and the Department of Defense to turn the most earth shattering farts into Nuclear Biological, and Chemical weapons.

www.farts.com/discussions/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000017

Then on to prove The Big Bang Theory.

 

WT: Thank you so much professor for your time and enlightening us on your new invention the Fart-O-Meter.  I wish you much success in farting the Nuclear Biological, and Chemical weapons and the Big Bang Theory.

Windy Trousers signing out