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Touch

Brush across atomic winds;
tracing seeds
of carbon-bright patterns

bound of grace -
- to reach among; within; beneath.

Push slowly as you grapple;
fragments dance,
vibrating at your edge
in oriental whispers
that spiral; orbit; weave.

Touch light into the stream
while waiting -
for skin to warm in currents
of resonances cast

from fingertips once elsewhere.

Ghost-thin markings
left as fragile prints
from the fingers of a life
in motion;
gloriously lost.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • penman gold member
    December 13, 2006

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    Excellent

    I think you did a great job and painting a wonderful image with this poem. It flows so well too. Good luck in the contest.


  • livingindebris
    December 10, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This may just be a winner. The more I read it the more I like it- no- love it! My fiance' gave you a harsh critique which is funny cuz when I first read it I thought it was hers! I't brilliant. Thankyou very much!

  • Macey Muse
    December 4, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    This - reads kind of very similar to something I might write. Does that make it narcisstic to say I liked it? Ah well. I did ^_^

    • EvilKate gold member
      December 9, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      Does that make you like a flower?

      Erm - I wouldn't know - but, if you're fine with being a flower, then narcis away *ok - so it isn't a word. Sue me*

  • jacke
    December 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    BEAUTIFUL

    that was beautiful...you did a really good job of portraying a serene and beautiful picture! i felt really at peace while reading your poem as if maybe i were reading it by a river trickling with water in a deep forest somewhere beautiful!
    really great poem.. keep up the good work!


  • withdrawal
    December 4, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    I almost like this poem more than the others in the contest, but m'dear, it's too simple and doesn't really say much of anything.
    The thing I like most about this poem is that it's my style of writing, but I think that if you really spent that much time on it it would have come out a lot stronger, and a lot more detailed.

    Nice write anyway, plus I love the word "atomic"

    ~Jenn

    • EvilKate gold member
      December 4, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      So you loved at least one of the words! That has to be a good thing, or at least a good something

      The experiment was trying to pare it down to a raw emotional essence. Believe me, it started much more 'filled out' and I cut and cut (hoping not to cut too far) in an attempt to get back to something raw.

      Yep. Risky - raw can be 'too' raw - but hey, that's why I labelled it an experiment

      Oh - and it really doesn't say much of anything? Maybe it does, though I'm not the most unbiased judge there, but it isn't a message you see. This isn't a criticism of your ability to see, so much as a comment that every poem will be seen through a lens unique to the reader. It isn't a bad thing that you didn't get anything from it.

      Of course, I may just be speaking out of my ass - which is something I AM good at

      Thanks for your honest perspective - it gets so annoying when, on asking for honesty, it is all too often lacking

      • withdrawal
        December 4, 2006
        Edit | Reply
        Well, I liked the fact that you got something different from the photo. It bothers me when people don't let themselves be creative. They write only about fingertips or prints, whatever, I liked the fact that your poem gave me a different view. And that's always good.

        I'm just a prude when it comes to originality. I'm not the best at it, even when it comes to titles.

        But I'm glad you kinda told me off in the way you did. It bothers me when people can't take any critique and are like "My poem is perfect! Blah blah blah" because then I wanna say "what the fuck are you doing on a site made for critique and the betterment of your skills?"

        Anyway, enough of my ranting. You just got a load of respect from me, that's for sure.



        ~Jenn

  • livingindebris
    December 4, 2006

    Edit | Reply

    Captivating!

    Good job! I really like your use of words & sentence fragmenting.
    "Ghost-thin markings
    left as fragile prints
    from the fingers of a life
    in motion;
    gloriously lost."

    This is my favorite part & it makes me wonder more of what this poem is about.
    Beautiful write. It is rare & so sweet when a person can capture so much emotion in so few words.
    I will comment more on this poem. Good pen.


    • EvilKate gold member
      December 4, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for appreciating the work. Heh - it might look simple enough but went through many many rewrites, over quite a few hours. I'm also happy that your were left wondering. To me, that's one valid goal of poetry - to frame meaning in ambiguity. That way, the reader is free to cast their own interpretations. Heh - I was so bothered by this for so long during the writing, because it was one of those efforts where a comma in the wrong place changes everything.

      Blah - I sound so pretentious now, so before I get worse I shall wander off
1 - 10 of 10