Clutching at my corner of the universe,
The rest all seems to fold,
People see someone young and free,
But my heart is so old...
And as it all crumbles
I feel my soul is sold.
Losing this fight, losing my life,
I've lost all sense,
Losing this fight, losing my life,
I've lost all innocence.
I wish I had the strength to care,
but I'm the girl who isnt there,
I wish I had the strength to feel,
but I'm someone who isn't real.
I used to pray for God to save me,
But I heard that he would just enslave me.
Did anyone ever listen to my pleas?
Well no-one ever saved me when I was on my knees.
Losing this fight, losing my life,
I've lost all sense,
Losing this fight, losing my life,
I've lost all innocence.
And I wish I had the strength to care,
but I'm the girl who isnt there,
I wish I had the strength to feel,
but I'm the girl who isn't real.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I really like this. "Losing this fight, losing my life, I've lost all sense, Losing this fight, losing my life, I've lost all innocence." those lines are amazing, catchy yet dark undertones, sounds like something I would write. Very cool
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pretty good lyrics.
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This is an amazing piece of work. You should keep these as lyrics and not as a poem though.Your work is rather amazing on this piece. I'd also love to hear the song. Although "toasted-lemming" says this parts cliched, I dunno these is something about it that I love :I used to pray for God to save me,
But I heard that he would just enslave me.
Did anyone ever listen to my pleas?
Well no-one ever saved me when I was on my knees." theres just something that when I read it hits me with a kick and wakes you up to think "WAW" because there was a many time when I was on my knees in my old religion like "help me" when I was down and feeling rather crappy and needing help. But he never gave and gave me guidance. I realised that religion wasn't for me.. that "god" wasn't listening to me cause that wasn't the one I was meant to pray to nor that did I understand his "rules" of life. So none the less. Your poem is brilliant. I wish we could hear the song. It'd be pretty awesome.
XxStephyxX -
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thanks for the comment! I wote the original lyrics years ago (which I am considering posting later). I myself came to the conclusion that organised religion is a load of tosh! It's nice to know ther people understand what I meant. Thank you.
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Wow.
Oh, cool. This poem has such a deep meaning to it. Its so ... it just is quite moving. I can't really explain how great your poem is. Keep up the work. And these are my favourite lines: "Losing this fight, losing my life,
I've lost all sense,
Losing this fight, losing my life,
I've lost all innocence."
"And I wish I had the strength to care,
but I'm the girl who isnt there,
I wish I had the strenght to feel,
but I'm the girl who isn't real."
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Wow! I LOVE this. It would make really song. I could definitely see some group like Evanescence singing this. I do think that the repeated lines take away if it's going to stay a poem. I do love the flow and word usage. I look forward to reading more of you works. Kepp at it, and good luck.
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If thses are still lyrics, I'd love to hear the song, they work really well. If you want this to stand alone as a poem, I'd be tempted to cut out the repeated stanzas.
On to the work itself. I love the tone, and the imagery is also beautiful and unique, especially the opening line 'Clutching at my corner of the universe,
The rest all seems to fold'. That's such a powerful image for quiet internal disintegration.
I don't like the line 'but my heart is so old' anywhere near as much as most of the rest of the work, it just sounds slightly flat, cliched. I cant think of an alternative at the moment, but I'm sure you can come up with something!
I'm not sure about the anti-God stanza, nothing really wrong with it, but I think you could be better served with a slight exposition of the reasons for the girl's feelings?
Moving on, the 'chorus' is so good...if this isn't going to be a song you need to write one with this chorus, it'd make such a good hook!
Keep up the good work
. Rewarded 4
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