After you were gone, I lay there in the muddy dirge
As you skulked around my corpse;
Nuzzling my face with your breath, putrid with gloating victory,
Hovering over my lifelessness
And inhaling my happiness,
Sniffing the stench of my sadness with a smile between your teeth,
Merged with my twisted perception.
You kissed my naively hungry eyes with beautiful lips
As you gorged on my ghost,
Ghostly white skin, spattered with oozing, red pain
Which hung from your mouth in veins:
The pale tenderness in my skin had turned to black
Long before your claws toyed with its ribbons.
Darkly, you gazed at my curled figure,
No longer your plaything,
Now, only your pathetic meal -
Unfortunately devoured,
Still willing.
Your forked tongue stabbed at my jagged wounds,
Your jaw, caked with blue blood feasting on my ego,
Then spitting out my festering pride.
As you grew bored with your taunting,
As your tease ran out,
As your toy began to fall to pieces,
One last swipe with your victorious paw
Replenished your thirst,
Matting delicate tendrils of chocolate brown with seeping innocence.
You see boys, it’s not the defeat we feel or fear,
Only the loss.
Your game becomes clearer with every departed, delicate soul,
But you will weep,
And pine,
And fall
When the woman you love admits how she lived amongst the moss.
Author notes
"love always hurts eventually"
Sloppypigs - something I always try not to be - I like tidiness, and good grammar and spelling.
I wanted to mix images of the First World War with those of a relationship that I encountered. However, it seems to have turned out a little differently to my first intention.
A contest entry
- Contest~Your Choice by Dak.
600 points, ended January 16, 27 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Goodbye My Lover by steal-my-scene.
600 points, ended May 23, 37 entries
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530 points, ended May 25, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I told you I'm sorry but you didn't hear me by Kinsleys Knight.
400 points, ended May 24, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Time by Frosty Berry-Bauble.
1128 points, ended June 9, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Total misery by X-xElectrax-X.
500 points, ended June 14, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Not For The Weak by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended June 9, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PW Party by Blooming Poet.
425 points, ended July 23, 146 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? Does the last stanza make it seem trite?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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While some of the imagery was a little cliche in parts, this definitely had its moments. Unlike the last commenter, I can see the connection with rape... You've painted a picture of desecration and hopelessness within these words.
My only complaint is that this piece seems to lack control of any sort. Even freeverse poetry has some sort of structure, but there was none here, really. Other than that, though, a decent attempt. Thanks for entering, and good luck.
Laura
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The lack of control really is used to mimic the feelings of all control being completely lost to the male, and also, I was more concerned with a flowing thought-process, rather than a solid structure. I disagree that freeverse needs to have structure, and there are FAR too many poems (however poor) to back this up.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment - I really appreciate it, because it makes me think about my reasons behind the poem.
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I loved the poem to pieces, I really wish I could keep it, but the only problem is that I can't see the connection with rape, which is the subject matter of the contest. I have to DQ it, I'm sorry.
But I'll comment anyway. The flow was great, the imagery even better. Your word choice was exceptional. I really have nothing bad, in general, to say about it. Very well done.
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this is a good write i get what your saying nice job on it and good luck
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I don't get why you entered this.It really doesn't say what I wanted it to I mean this is so post to be you as a younger or older person and your so post to say why you wrote about this time. Ru so post to be dead?
Sorry...I like the poem it's very well written! -
This says alot more then what you have written
And speaks trully and purely
I love this write
Thanks for your entry
nd good luck
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This is a pretty great piece you have here. I do enjoy it very much. And to me, it seems suprising that it flows well, with word usage and such I mean, however It does actually flow quite well indeed. However I'm not quite sure this is really what I am looking for. The general feel of it just doesn't seem to match the reasons of the contest if that makes sense. Keep writing though, it was a great piece and for that it will go on my finalists list.
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Okay this is a very good poem
But you talked about happiness and then your sadness
It was kindly hard for me to understand
It did touch me though
BRAVO!!! -
this is really powerful.
I really liked your choice of wording too, really connects with the reader and draws them in.
many thanks for this wonderful entry and good luck xx -
yeah, maybe it turned out to b esomething else, but it's great all the same!
thank you for entering and best of luck! -
Boys,
it’s not the defeat we feel or fear,
Only the loss.
Your game becomes clearer with each vanished soul;
So pine and fall
When the women you love rise up from amongst the moss.
Possible improvement on the last stanza? I've the intention to cut it out entirely, but I can't bring myself to do it, because I'm so used to it... -
I agree with you about the last stanza, but I kinda like it too - it's an older composition, so it feels pretty stayed, and I'm used to it. But I'd consider editing it out.
Thanks a lot for your kinda words, and suggestions.
S
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Wow... so filled to the brim... wow....
I'm not too sure if the last stanza fits in there,
If it was me I would probably cut it out. It slightly ruins the intense scene you worked so hard to paint.
The resplendent way you have with words is incredible really.
:]
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Complex
I really enjoy it. I'm not %100 sure I fully understand it, but it is emotionally stirring. Who is the devourer? It makes me want to read it over and over until I understand every facet.
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Merci
This is only poem of mine that I actually like and have any respect for; the rest are just not quite as exciting or "complex", as you put it.
The devourer, to me, is a lover. But I love how people interpret things individually, that's the true beauty of poetry, in my eyes.
Sarah
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