a vintage '89;
the cork fell apart in the bottle
and we tried to choke it down
but the bits were hard to swallow
and my love, he's in alabama
just over the state line
smoking cigarettes, missing me
and sipping on cheap wine
and vernie's band is playing
at the bar until three
but I don't feel like dancing
or entertaining company
so they start the countdown
as I walk out to the car
four, three, two, one...
I blow a kiss, but he's too far-
too far away from me.
Author notes
This is the first poem I've written with somekind of rhyme in awhile... so forgive me if it sucks. True story though.
A contest entry
- how did you spend new yrs eve? by honey bear.
650 points, ended January 6, 2007, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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this is a great piece and no it didn't suck, it was a good piece telling what happened to you on new year's and it was well told. Glad to see that you got a silver for this piece!!! Very sorry that you are going through this
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You're never too far, with a missing best man
Radio Birdman sang "You're never alone with a Smith & Wesson, Baby."
And ABC, I think it was, sang, "Shoot that burning arrow to (thy) heart".
Put 'em both together and you'd have...
a very nicely touching piece.
Again, well done, and keep 'em coming (you
know you have to! - or at least so your biog said). (
)
GL crossing that Romantic state line.
MA.
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I actually have to disagree with one of the last comments, and say that I found this to flow very, very well. The only thing that I could have seen as carrying it further would be to place "away" at the end of "far," so that it has more effect, and doesn't come off as just being a word chosen to rhyme with car.
Still, with that said it is my favrite piece I've read this week. I really loved your imagery. You balanced "show and tell" very, very well, and I found myself enthralled with this write.
I'm bookmarking it to read again some other day. Great work.
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To be lonely at a time like new years eve weighs heavier than at any other time being apart from your loved ones.I can see you standing staring at the sky in this write longing to be with the one you love. Good luck in the contest
. Rewarded 4
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It's pretty good, simple but good... i like the message but frankly it could of flowed better. but my no means is it a bad write it's just a bit choppy for my tastes. keep writing because you have talent but keep an eye on the smoothness aspect of poetry i bet if you do you will have much better poems and better chances to win contests...
GOOD JOB,
TIM -
I liked this
No, it doesn't suck! You set the scene and the evening unfolded. I found it to be an honest poem, well constructed.
. Rewarded 4
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very good
good work and kisses can travel for miles,believe me i know, i often blow them to my family and friends far away and they catch the love and hold it close
i hope that you will be reunited very soon,you are lucky that he is missing you too for many have only a one sided love and a broken heart ,thank you for entering and good luck in the contest with this great but rather sad poem
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Beautifully written
But sad lonesome message of seperation and longing. Hopefully by NOW he's made it home.
Reminds me of the song Forever Yours. Or is it Faithfully
Either way, all ( Yours and Theirs is a great message of longing and hope.
Namaste
Art
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Aw, thank you. I love Journey, so the fact that this reminds you of their song Faithfully is cool to me. And it's actually me that isn't home yet. I'll be back soon though, and I can't wait!
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It doesn't suck
This poem is very clear what it is about however the images you used to describe it is what makes this poem shine. It rhymes perfectly and i enjoyed it a lot. Thanks for sharing. The emotion was somehow lonely yet subtely happy cause it is new years and you have someone to share it with but you can't cause there in alabama. However the emotion is still hopeful since you do have somebody to share it with it is just a matter of time. There is no awkward are in this poem I don't feel
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