I often sit at home alone in the dark
With the little bottle I hold
Letting the tears stream down my face
And letting the pain in my life unfold
The blur that makes pain go away
Comes about only during the drink
Not having to comprehend the mess in my life
Just letting everything go, and not having to think
Noticing that more and more I do
Depend on the way the drink makes me feel
That after the third or fourth drink
My whole comprehension of life is surreal
Everyone letting me down recently
Hating myself for lifting them high
Now becoming numb to the fact
That everyone in life is just saying Goodbye
Showing on the outside the good
Leading people to belive the lie
Not letting anyone know
This terrible secret that I supply
Knowing how this habit could turn
But not really caring how it goes
Just more afraid of letting my emotions out
And how much of my life I would expose
Author notes
Okay, so i am writing this and it isn't done yet...I kind of need some help on where to go with this. I have wrote more lines after this but they all turn out really cheezy and it dosen't sound good ne more..So please let me know what you think and how i could finish this poem out! Thanks bunches!!!!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I actually loved it and thought it sounded pretty complete. But if you feel the need for a more complete ending, I think you should go with something that deals with the emotion of not being able to stop, not just what comes with the drink.
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Thank you! I changed it a little and its getting there, it sounds more complete now!
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OK you wanted some help so with every thing I post I will tell you what I think will make it better..
Just a suggestion of course it is up to you to decide...
Now as I walk through your write I will pick some flowers for you...)
Here I go:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
That after the third or fourth drink/would take the word that out of the sentence...
Hating myself for lifting them so high/would take out the word so...and in the next line also...
Knowing that this habbit could turn out fatal/would take the word that out and respell habit...and the wrod not in the next line...then take And out of the next line...then I would take the word (the out of the last three lines...And I agree with the others the last stanza would be the great start to the whole write..
God Bless
~Cheryl~ -
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Thank you for the beautiful flowers! Lol...And thank you for the much needed help, I defnently changed somethings and hopefully it is getting better! Thanks again!
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Ok firstly running a spell check would be wise. The rest of it only needs a bit of tweaking. You lose the reader halfway through because the flow is inconsistant. watch your rhyme and make sure you match your syllables to each rhyming line ABAB A should have the same number of sylables as A and B should match with B. Add extra words to enhance the vocabuary of the piece...and I always think a center alignment helps the piece to look less choppy. Check punctuation and capitalization and I think thats all that is really nesessary. great start though!
~Sorrow~
ps i do agree with the person below me...moving the last verse up to become the first would be beneficial! -
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OKay so i moved the last verse to the begining and i centered it. I'm kind of lost on the whole AB thing but i'll work at it and see what I can get with it! THanks so much for the help!!!
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Yeah, I like it, I don't think you should add anything. Try moving the last verse to the beginning of the poem, if you want it to be different than how it is now. Then you could either have the next-to last verse as the end, or you could have the verse that is last now be the last as well as the first. Just something you might try. I like it fine as it is.
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I moved it and that worked awesome!!!!!! THanks soooooo mcuh for the help, it now does seem complete! Thanks bunches!
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