rain dropping leaves
in the city park
a wet drummer
EIGHTH REVISION
in the city park
rain dropping leaves
a wet drummer
SEVENTH REVISION
in a city park
rain drops and leaves:
wet drummer
SIXTH REVISION
rain drops
leaf to leaf:
new drums
FIFTH REVISION
rain drops drip
leaf to leaf:
spring drums
FOURTH REVISION
rain drops drip
leaf to leaf--
umbrellas patter street to street
THIRD REVISION
rain drops dripping
leaf to leaf--
umbrellas' patter in the street
SECOND REVISION
rainstorm
leaves--
squirrels dodge echoes
or? (borrowing Jo's lines lol can I? i luv 'em!)
rain drops dripping
leaf to leaf--
umbrellas crowd the streets
FIRST REVISIONS
rain echoes on
leaves
gates close in city park
or?
rain
leaves
echo in city park
or?
leaves echo
in city park--
rain
or?
rain
leaves
echo
(am i allowed to present multiple revisions like this, or must i choose one?)
(i think these have a better leap at the end. the first one might be more of a juxtaposition though.)
ORIGINAL
trees' whispered secrets
echo in heart
of city park
Author notes
9th rev: i changed the season, i think
bands often play in city parks
splash! lol
In a list
A contest entry
- The Technique of the Sketch by azure85.
780 points, ended January 28, 2007, 43 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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wet drummer
i like the juxtaposition in this revision. it makes me think of an outdoors concert. i perceive the rain drummming on the leaves and the drummer in a band gets wet in the rain. these are the kinds of contrasting images which make a haiku sing.
good work,
myron.
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yay ^_^
also a sudden spring shower? (does that come across?) -
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i assumed it was either a spring or summer shower.
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6th revision
hi! it's wonderful to see you working so hard on this haiku. your 6th version is a great improvement and it's wonderful to see how this poem has progressed.
it's hard for me to imagine what kind of leaf would produce such a loud sound. perhaps if you named the plant, then the image would become more clear to me. i'm imagining it to be some heavy wide-leafed piece of vegetation.
best wishes,
myron.
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Hmm. Right. The ambiguity in this case can make the haiku lose coherence.
maybe this, instead? (7th revision)
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rain drops drip
leaf to leaf:
spring drums
I like this and there is a good moment captured here. Perhaps line 3 'tells' your impression too much and does not allow the reader to interpret, the same with 'drip' in line 1.
If I may, perhaps: -
rain drops
leaf to leaf - -
a new drum
Alan -
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Thank you for the suggestions, Alan!
I agree, the last line in version 5 was pretty telling. Good idea, still keeping the "spring" reference using "new."
True, "drips" does denote the sound. I like how "drops" is now ambiguous (noun/verb ). -
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Your revisions are looking great!
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Hi Sare! I like that you're already going through your own self-imposed revision process. I do the same thing myself many times until actually coming to post at AP.
I think it is moving forward with your revisions, but I wonder if it's the leaves themselves that you're sensing the echo-ing or the droplets of rain as they fall from the leaves. I know very much the sound you're trying to establish...and maybe echo isn't quite the right word, as it really isn't a single resounding sound, and I'm thinking maybe the first two lines something as:
rain drops drip
leaf-to-leaf
may project the sound more to what is heard AND seen. I don't know if the third line really works in as you have it now with this image, but as others have mentioned, I'm sure Myron will be by with some great advice and suggestions for you.
Best wishes to you in the contest!
Jo
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Hi Jo,
Thanks for your comments!
They're both echoing. The rainwater as it drops from the leaves, and the leaves as they bounce back.
Beautiful lines! Are we allowed to borrow lines? lol -
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It's not considered "borrowing" at all, Sarephina...What I understand of these haiku contest/workshops is that you are allowed to post revisions by any suggestions given you along the way if you see fit, so feel free.
In fact, it was during the very first of these series of contests that I had been involved that one of the Contest-Hosts gave me the suggestion I used for my own entry, and I felt awkward. But he was the one to advise me it was the very purpose of these contests!
Good luck to you!
Jo
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yay! ^_^
ok that's enough fun for one day lol
*slinks away to study*
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Welcome to the haiku contest/workshop:
I see Pollycheck has been by and left some good suggestions.
trees' whispered secrets
echo in heart
of city park
I agree with the personification of the trees', but is there an image you could present to illustrate this? Myron will be later on to leave his comments, see what he has to say.
Thank you so much for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
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Thank you for reading & commenting on my entry, Susie!
i have an image of rain dripping off the leaves of a few solitary trees in the middle of a city park... at first i thought, 'it sounds like like they are sharing secrets.' But then i had some other interpretations of it (see my "FIRST REVISIONS")... i can't decide which one i want to keep... what should I do? -
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You wait for myron, he is the best judge of all. He will be back in a few days, he is on vacation. Just leave all your revisions up, the judges like seeing the progression. And we sometimes award HM's just for revisions, because of the perfect haiku that comes out of them! Does this help?
Susie -
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Cool! ^_^
Yes, that helps. Thanks.
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trees' whispered secrets
echo in heart
of city park
Thank you for entering our contest. I like the way you have alluded to the sense of hearing. Normally haiku do not have title, the first line can be used usually. I wonder if the first line comes too close to personification with the whispered secrets. Let's wait and see what the other judges have to say about it. I really like the theme of this haiku. -
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Thank you for reading my entry!
I agree, the first line personifies the trees.
I would like to revise the whole thing... should I edit the original entry?
rain
-leaves-
echoes in city park -
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Pleasae leave the original there and make a revision 1 either above or below it. The other judges would like to see your progression to the final haiku. For an example please see:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2259506 -
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Okay, thanks Pollycheck!
I got rid of the title, but "listen" still shows up on the contest page. ?
[edit: never mind, the changed title shows up now.
]
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