birdsong
from the cherry trees -
loose blossoms
NINTH REVISION
white blossoms fall
from cherry trees-
birdsong starts
EIGHTH REVISION
cherry trees release
white blossoms
birdsong
SEVENTH REVISION
birdsong
in cherry trees
raining white blossoms
SIXTH REVISION
birds' song
from the cherry trees
white blossoms on me
FIFTH REVISION
cherry garden:
sparrows rest on trees
white blossoms on a girl
or just,
white blossoms on
a girl who naps in grass:
pigeoms[sparrows?] rest in cherry trees
FOURTH REVISION (sort of)
white blossoms on
a girl who naps in grass:
pigeon rests in tree
(colon for full stop; i realized that "--" means saying the same thing in different words.)
THIRD REVISION
girl naps in grass
white blossoms:
pigeon rests in tree
SECOND REVISION [moved up]
white blossoms on
a girl who naps in grass--
pigeon rests in tree
FIRST REVISION
white blossoms
on the grass--
pigeon rests on tree
ORIGINAL
white blossoms
on man sleeping in grass
pigeon rests on branch
Author notes
9th: naaah, "release" makes the trees seem too possessive.
7th/8th rev: hmm... rain? or is that too much? release could work...
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Don't know why, but I've never seen pigeons on cherry trees... at least not on the ones that are in the botanic gardens in nyc... (the warm weather has made them blossom in january!) Not sure if sparrows are as generous with their little gifts as pigeons are... has anyone ever seen pigeons in cherry trees? I don't see why they wouldn't find those trees anyway...
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(spoiler?)
i'm not sure if "white blossoms" are being understood as being a product of the pigeon...
In a list
A contest entry
- The Technique of the Sketch by azure85.
780 points, ended January 28, 2007, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Seriously, it is very close - try
spring blossoms
from cherry trees
birdsong
or just
birdsong
from the cherry tree
blossoms
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Nice
Thanks for all your comments, Tishu! I played with these 2 for a while... now the workshop/contest is over, I guess.
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Of course you could always have
white blossom
from cherry trees
birdsh**
ONLY JOKING!!!!!!!!
... but there's quite a leap in the last line
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yes, quite a surprise! haha
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SIXTH REVISION
birds' song
from the cherry trees
white blossoms on me
Hi again ... your pieces (comments and poems and revisions) are most engaging ... i love your outlook ...
just playing with tis one of yours .... i think you can solve the double 's' thing in birds' song with using birdsong ... i get imagery of birds bursting forth in song (just as blossoms do - burst open that is) ...
so ... playing with the contrast /connection thing
birdsong
bursts from the cherry tree
white blossoms fall
(or something like that) .... i like the imagery of this one .. i hope you will continue to play with it !
>>> Gina -
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Thanks Gina! "Birdsong" is great!
hmm! I actually never thought about comparing the birdsong and the blossoms. I'm going to try that!
I hear soft (sneaky?) birdsong. Like rain. Like a rain of white blossoms.
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birds' song
i like this latest revision. the first line gives me the feeling that the birds are communicating what they have done, lol.
good work; glad to see the effort that has gone into this haiku.
all the best in the contest,
myron. -
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thanks again!
now i've tried to link the birdsong to the blossoms... [Gina]
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I have to laugh at your Author's Comments--No, I've never known them to roost in cherry trees myself, more often the ledges of buildings!
I like the sparrows in the branches image better myself...and just as a thought, I like seeing the birds being more alert over the sleeping girl for some reason and I'm thinking:
sparrows titter
amid cherry blossoms
a girl naps
You already know my "expertise" on this form, Sare--(I'm at revision number one DOZEN back on the homefront myself), but I like how the middle line might work to both an image of the sparrows and the young girl in the first and last lines of this haiku making for a complete image. But I'd certainly wait to see what the judges might say...
Jo
P.S.: Titter is different than the original pigeon-haiku image I realize...But I'm sure that sparrows do that too!
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LOL and on the heads of statues!
ahaha! From Tishu's idea... if it's me down here, I wouldn't know what bird it is...
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cherry garden:
sparrows rest on trees
white blossoms on a girl
This has given me some amusement as it is an amusing image
How about making it more obscure and leaving out the detail
a bird sings
from the branch above
white blossoms below
or even
a bird sings
from the branch above
white blossoms on me
Alan
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revised 6
Thank you for the suggestions, Tishu!
Oh yeah... "I" wouldn't necessarily know what bird it is... I think it adds to the surprise, too.
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4th revision
i had to come back to this one to see how it was progressing. i like the first two lines very much.
i'm not sure about your final line. it's ok, but i think it may be even better if the pigeon was in a tree which has white blossoms. that kind of ambiguity may make the humour in this a little more subtle. what do you think?
best wishes,
myron. -
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revised 6
What do you think? -
revised 5
hmm!
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Oh, I like this! My niece raises homing pigeons and this is an image I know she would understand.
THIRD REVISION
girl naps in grass
white blossoms:
pigeon rests in tree
SECOND REVISION
white blossoms on
a girl who naps in grass--
pigeon rests in tree
I like the second revision because it actually states the girl has "white blossoms" on her, yet I think the word economy in the third revision sounds better...what about combining the two, something like this perhaps?
a girl naps
among white blossoms
pigeon rests in tree (or "pigeon rests above" )
I'm no expert in haiku and don't know how the judges would feel about that, but thought I would make the suggestion. Whichever version ends up being your final one, I enjoyed the parallel you've drawn. You've put a lot of effort into this already and it shows. It is one of those moments we see but seldom think about.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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Hi Trista,
Thanks for the applause, and your helpful input! I had considered "above" too, but I wondered if the more specific "tree" would help set the scene. What do you think?
I see this a lot in New York City. If it doesn't rain for a while, some areas (especially parks) are covered with the pigeons' little white blossoms. And I've witnessed quite a few of them blossom on people who rest or walk under trees (or power lines, or anywhere pigeons congregate above our heads). lol
Both the girl and the pigeon are minding their own business, but they affect each other (the girl will probably wake up and start chasing pigeons). In the middle of a big honking, overpopulated city, it's a gentle reminder that nature can still have its way.
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hi, thanks for entering our contest and thanks also for working on this haiku in order to make it better.
i feel that the second version is the best. there is a nice flow in the first two lines and then a good clean break at the end of it, followed by the surprise aha moment in the third line.
well done,
myron. -
Welcome to our haiku contest/workshop:
You have presented a lovely scene here, and I see there is already a revision. Thank you so much for leaving both versions.
FIRST REVISION
white blossoms
on the grass--
pigeon rests on tree
ORIGINAL
white blossoms
on man sleeping in grass
pigeon rests on branch
My, I like your revision. But Polly has a good comment, which one do you like the best? See what the others leave for comments, thank you for a lovely entry. Good luck in the contest.
Susie -
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Thank you, Susie!
SECOND REVISION
white blossoms on
a girl who naps in grass--
pigeon rests in tree -
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lovely one but why not leave out 'on' it is there probably only for the count it doesn't fit and doesn't giv extra info. (unless the judges are fixminded) other poss. put such in front.
Wim -
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Thanks.
Interesting suggestion. I'll try it! ^_^
girl naps in grass
white blossoms:
pigeon rests in tree
I wanted the blossoms to be seeming to grow on the girl though...
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FIRST REVISION
white blossoms
on the grass--
pigeon rests on tree
ORIGINAL
white blossoms
on man sleeping in grass
pigeon rests on branch
Thank you for entering our contest. I really like your first revision. My question to you is, does the man add anything to the contest in the original? Which way sounds best to you? -
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Thank you for your comment!
Great question... I had originally wanted to parallel a resting man and a resting bird, but I'm not sure if I want to make such a comparison in a haiku... now I've changed it to a napping girl because she and a small animal like the pigeon both seem to embody a sort of relaxed innocence, but again, I'm not sure if that's appropriate for a haiku. I'm happy with the first revision too... lol
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