a spot of blood
on the frosted blade
oh ladybug
FIFTH REVISION
a spot of blood
on the frosted blade
oh lady beetle
FOURTH REVISION
spot of blood
on a frosted blade:
a lady beetle
THIRD REVISION
lady beetle
on a frosted blade
a spot of blood
SECOND REVISION
lady beetle
on a blade of grass
the rosebud blooms
FIRST REVISION
lady beetle
on a blade of grass:
my rosebud blooms when touched
ORIGINAL
rainbow tips
a slender blade:
beetle in full bloom
Author notes
(SIXTH REV.) btw, does "oh" sound okay?
(FIFTH REV.) i think lady beetle is dead.
(THIRD REV.) umm okay i've just changed the whole season here... lol
(FIRST REV.) "My rose is special!" But does it border on erotica? should i change "my" to "this"? or just "the"?
(ORIGINAL) Hmm... for some reason it's reminding me of a sword form instead of the scene I had in mind when I first wrote this... is that bad? Does it mean the haiku is too vague?
fyi lady beetle = ladybug (aka lady bird beetle)
A contest entry
- The Technique of the Sketch by azure85.
780 points, ended January 28, 2007, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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hehehe ... love the revisions and how the observed moment changed drastically .... lovely stuff to see the process .... nicely done ! >>> Gina
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thanks!
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Reread and reread
O.k. now reading down the comments. For what your attempting to say I don't think it worked that good. But! After reading and rereading I've come to my own conclusion that out of all of it. The best two are the first revision and second revision. I do like the use of rainbow tips. Perhaps better used somewhere else. Still I am no haiku expert. I just go by the instinct of my brain waves. And you made me laugh, I love to laugh. -
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yeah, it changed from a happy scene to a sad one. lol
but i hope it still has its sense of surprise...
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Perfect !!!
Ahhh o.k. ummm...maybe some of our minds are just in the gutter. But when comming to First Rev. I said out loud {there's nobody here to hear me but Tunk} Ohhh..haiku goes naughty. Even if you didn't mean it that way. I wouldn't change it. It gives your art a nice little surprise chuckle. Depending on your readers mind set. I've found that most of my accidents when writing are for the best. So my vote is I wouldn't change a thing. This is perfect.
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hahaha
The contest rules include "no erotica," so I can't keep it.
hehe
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4th revision or 3rd revision
i like both of these versions. Tishu is a specialist at coming up with a surprising comparison. i'm glad you took his advice.
i like the 3rd revision, because the second line works as a pivot...although you have two indefinite articles in the haiku. perhaps there could be a definite article in your second line?
lady beetle
on the frosted blade
a spot of blood
the punctuation is your 4th revision stops the second line from being a pivot. that's ok, if you want it that way. but once again i have some suggestions about the flow of the haiku. they need to sound good when read out loud. your first two lines are a cut up phrase and the final line is a fragment. generally the fragment part of a haiku doesn't need an article.
so perhaps something like this?:
a spot of blood
on the frosted blade:
lady beetle
anyway, this is wonderful work. sometimes our haiku just need a little bit of fine tuning so everything works well.
well done,
myron. -
lady beetle
on a blade of grass
the rosebud blooms
Talk of all the blades and knives and things got me thinking blood and ladybirds are spotted - could go with the 'blade' theme. 'a spot of blood' third line? -
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revised 3
I like it! But is the scene too "extraordinary" now?
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revision
hi! this is a good revision. i like the addition of the rosebud.
i'm not entirely convinced that 'when touched' is needed here, as it makes your final line rather long. if you pruned off those words your haiku may possibly become more evocative. and that's what we search for as haiku poets.
best wishes,
myron. -
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Tishu inspired a total season change! lol
Not sure if "blood" is too distracting... -
revised 2
Thanks
"my" was making me laugh... -
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revision 2 - lovely
yes, this works well now.well done.
the 'my' was making you laugh? was it because of the sexual aspect of it, lol?
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Partly, yes.
I also had an image of a petulant girl holding a flower, saying, "MY rosebud blooms when I touch it! It's better than YOUR rosebud."
Factor in the sexual connotation after that, and... -
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lol
lol, that's very blooming funny!
good luck in the contest,
myron.
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puzzling
thanks for entering this haiku into our contest.
the first two lines puzzle me as i'm not getting a clear image with this slender blade. (aren't all blades slender???) is it a knife? a razor? hmnnn...
perhaps are you referring to a leaf? that's where insects are commonly seen.
i'm also puzzled about how a beetle blooms. in Australia a beetle is an insect. is it a plant where you live?
i'm utterly confused (but that is not strange for me, lol).
yours in puzzlement,
thick myron.
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lol
Hi myron,
Thanks for your input!
I agree, this one is vague. I'm not sure if I can shape it up... since it's based on a simile, I think the whole premise is just wrong. Oh well...
Anyway, I was trying to create this image:
A beetle is perched on the tip of a blade of grass near the observer. It's unnoticed until it starts to fly off, because there's a flash of color (maybe even in an arc). The observer, looking in surprise, thinks the beetle is a flower, and the grass is its stem.
Before the last line, if the reader thinks the slender blade is indeed grass, then the rainbow is a mystery. Is it dew? Is it really a tiny raibow? or what? Is it a reflection from the tip of a sword (which also has a slender blade)? I guess the "aha" line didn't work. lol
Butcher knives also have blades... some of them are quite large. lol But all grass blades are slender... hmm. -
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thanks for your reply
hi, i think that what you have in mind for this haiku is excellent. haiku often use the technique of comparison, although it's often more subtle than using a simile.
i like the language you use in your reply:
"the beetle on a blade of grass" would work very well as your first two lines. then if you name a flower in bloom in your final line, the thoughtful reader would see the juxtaposition you have built.
i look forward to your revision,
myron. -
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revised
Thank you for your advice!
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Welcome to our haiku contest/workshop:
rainbow tips
a slender blade:
beetle in full bloom
I see by your author's notes you are thinking of a sword, I didn't think of that. See what others may say. I see the scene as I think you wanted to describe it.
Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
rainbow tips
a slender blade:
beetle in full bloom
Thank you for entering our contest. I really like the imagery that you portray in this haiku. The other judges will be by to offer their comments and suggestions. -
A most beautiful haiku.....full of imagery....so enjoyable to read....keep the ink flowing...smiles, Terry
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thanks, Terry.
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