When you strip off these empty layers,
dead skin and dead soul,
another story begins to take place
far beneath all the stars
you promised to steal from the heavens,
above the celestial creatures
that plague the core of simple minds;
nothing and everything
are the same note.
The guitars of time strum everywhere
and yet the sound is nothing
but the joy that reaches your heart.
Trapped within these pleasures so subtle,
I wonder which shapes
microscopical delights take
when you peel off
the gender, the age and the race
like taking apart clockwork oranges
until you are left to ponder the inexplicable,
the dream which fuels the atoms
that capture your heart,
time and time again.
Author notes
How can you fall in love with atoms?
A contest entry
- The Age Gap ! by Celticpoet.
600 points, ended June 20, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What is your favorite thing in the piece? what is your least favorite thing?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Very creative and I like the overall concept of the poem. Message me if you want your score, make sure to include the name of your poem. Thanks, bye.
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My favorite thing about your piece, in particular, would be the fact that the large words that you use that i can still understand and, with all truth, find very enjoyable. My least favorite thing? well, i suppose that would be your allusion to a clockwork orange. For one, if you haven't read the story, it will confuse and distract the reader, and even if you had it may still seem out of place. If you have read the story, it simple will distract you from the original point. However, i think you did a very nice job with your work. Thank you for entering.
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Not really sure what to say to this poem. I like it, but I found it hard to understand as I was reading it. It might be prudent to not worry so much about using flowery language and such complex sentences, but instead to worry about communicating with your readers.
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interesting, while a very good structure and flow, I am afraid the significance of the piece gets lost in its vocabulary. Where did you MEAN to go with this? ( although yes, I did see the authors notes it did not clarify this to me, in fact i felt it went further off the path
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hmmm the flow of this was very good and it had some awesome metaphors in it. I think you did great. The best of luck to you in the contest.
Kari -
There was some really good lines in this however, I didn't really think that the reference to A Clockwork Orange worked with this, quite exactly. It feels like you were grasping for something. This piece has good ideas [and I love A Clockwork Orange] but ... Eh, maybe I'm just being mean. Also, 'foreverborn' was a very interesting idea, but since you didn't really play up on messing with the words, it seems like it was just a typo. It sounds exspecially great all together [read it aloud
] oh well, it is just my very humble opinion. Thanks for sharing!
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I am in complete awe. This has to be one of the best poems I have read in a while. It flows beautifully and I love the line in the first stanza, "foreverborn nothingness strikes as everything." It is such an amazing poem. I can not think of any way to improve it. I loved it and I just can't think of the words to describe how amazing it is.
. Rewarded 4
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I thought that this poem was just as you prefaced it in the shameless box, deeper and more thought provoking. I absolutely loved it and I can see you selected your words very carefully and it certainly shows. I loved the lines "you promised to steal from the heavens,
above the celestial creatures
that plague the core of simple minds;
foreverborn nothingness strikes as everything." For some reason those just really struck me as great. The whole poem seems to flow really nicely and I didn't feel there was anything awkward that interrupted or took away from the poem itself. Overall, I loved it. Great job!
. Rewarded 4
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Very Good
You use this poem to strip away the layers of humans to what makes them life...It is a fundamental questions never answered...I love the flow of this poem...Keep it up...
. Rewarded 4
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I adore the last stanza, and the thought of atoms falling in love. Perhaps I'm just a science junky at heart, but I really enjoy this. I admit to rereading it a few times to get the gist of it, though.
. Rewarded 4
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there's lots of food for thought in this poem. i felt new beginnings and the wondering of what's real and what isn't... i'm not sure if that made any sense of not
best of luck
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a good poem, i have a poem spiralling feathers (the skin comes off) which touches on the peeling away thought here, a good piece. it is very hard to read this poem without highlighting it. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
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