Lubb-dubb
dates flash, course through mind,
blood red ink, vision smeared
by haze
Swept winds and shivered skin
heartbeat chilled through setting sun
loved far too late
Lubb-dubb,
black shadows, falling clouds,
shimmer blue of rippling soul,
ice cold heart.
Smearing tears, sunbeams fade,
chilling wind of failing day
left to disregard devices
Lubb-dubb,
shutter click with flap of paper,
drying ink and darkning date
Stood alone
as sunset falls
A contest entry
- The Broken R! by Ms Raneika.
600 points, ended March 9, 2007, 88 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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very good!
good luck in contest! -
a very metaphorical write here very different layout aswell but the risk has paid off its great well done and good luck in my contest
laura xx -
wow quite an amazing piece...you greatly constructed a very good vocabulary....thanks for entering my contest much love, Raneika
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This is sad.
Is the "Lubb dubb" the passing of time?
I like your choice of words, and though they are few, you are able to make the reader get your message.
Thank you for reading and commenting on my poem. I enjoyed yours so Keep on writing,
Nooni -
I really like your imagery in this poem- not only have you covered the basic senses, but you put lots of emotional imagery in there too, without being too over-the-top about it.
Your repetition of "Lubb-dubb" is interesting. If it were me (and keep in mind, that this is me), I might play around with changing the noise for the second and third stanzas (with the last being the same as the first). Not to say that you should change your poem, I just think it would be something interesting to play with.
Great communication of tone, too. I really get what you're feeling.
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Amazing teen
Its incredible that your are so young. For your style is amazing. The words that you used seem to flow together like a song. I love the way you formatted the poem great(Lisa)
Lubb-dubb.
Sweep winds, shivered skin,
Chills heartbeat, setting sun,
Too late.
Lubb-dubb,
Black shadows, falling clouds,
Blue shimmer, rippling soul,
Cold heart.
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Wow.
Amazing.
I love it.
I love the form, and the flow, and your use of words.
It's a great write.
:]
|aiko| -
i like your word for a heart beat. it adds a rhythm to the poem. It was very sweet, and I would share this with whoever might've inspired it.
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if this piece was written on the 25th, it was not inspired by the picture that was given in my contest, sorry. otherwise a nice write.
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Very nice writemy friend you have a lot of talent for such a young lady that is true skill.
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Very nice poem.
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Lovely
I love the way you capture the essence of the waves lapping with your lubb-dubb sequence; it's lovely. -
Why are all poems written for contests? I like dollhouses comment about the heart beating, very true.
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i love how the "lubb-dubb" is like the sound of a heart beating. great write
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Very creative indeed i loved the onomatiopia ludd dubb a lot.
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very good poem
I like this poem it's a very good poem. You have a true talent for writing poetry and I believe you will make it far in life with all you writings. You've got a good heart, and a fair heart. God bless you, and thanks for the comment you left me. -
good use of form to present the meaning
Combined intensity of beauty and desolation. I think the word is the sound of waves splashing on the rocks.
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great
love it
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EVERY STANZA, MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE!!!!
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Black shadows, falling clouds,
Blue shimmer, rippling soul,
Cold heart.
those lines are really quite agonizing....i mean owie ripped soul....i've mentioned something similar to this in my poem Petals of Red Blood...they said owie i didn't understand but now i see what they mean. your words hole power dear friend. use them wisely.
~Sorrow~
ps thanks for your comment on my poem Rope's End -
How very sad indeed... What you see is what you see, and beauty can be found in the most abstract of pictures, just like an inkblot, something strange can be read many ways, and that is the beauty of poetry inspired by visionary related stuff... It is interpreted differently by each poet.
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