i am once again at lost for words,
my sight curls like skin at the tinge of a knife.
my breath is heavy like those of sleeping prisoners
and my shaking limbs feel watched
by all the eyes sitting in this green room.
i want her to say she loves me
but not with words or a regard,
i want the thoughts to burn right through me
leaving a deep stain like cum on a baby's sheets.
it's just not enough for me
to settle for white roses and a glitter smile.
i want to sew her body onto mine
and have my cells watching her every move,
i want to feel her growing inside my womb
like a child i can't part from.
we will sleep between two walls in filth filled corners
and be the floors, hand in hand
joined like tiles in a ripped home.
please
oceans turned to smoke castles
and i reside them like a ghost
crying out for the scent of your moans
i beg like dry fields and open wounds
for one last taste of your hands and thighs
but you leave me just as plundered
as an aborted woman
yet feeling contented like long fingers
lingering over stretched bellies
advertising a future of blessings
Author notes
vaseline is the name
story of an unhealthy relationship
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 5: Final Auditions (Invite Only) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended May 6, 2007, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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sad
sad but well written . . congrats on the trophy . . like "i want her to say she loves me" and "but you leave me just as plundered" . . unusual ending for this one . .
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The poet paints with panache the bittersweet of longing within this retreat inside the self with fine fingered finesse,two parts caught me to stop short at both read throughs "leaving a deep stain like cum on a baby's sheets" actually made me feel nauseous as it is so disturbing,I can understand and appreciate the depth of connection sought within this relationship and the searching for it within every angle but oh,that phrase sickens."And I reside them like a ghost" perhaps may work instead as "reside in?" Neither points mentioned are criticisms dear poet,simply a sharing of an opinion.
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I am visiting your poetry on recommendation from a very good writer on AP (in my opinion) and he has high regard for your writing - which means it is definitely worth a read.
Im not disappointed with the first poem Ive chosen to read of your work.
If Im totally honest I really like it - but there are two lines which stand out for me - one with a slight grammatical error but Im wondering whether its intended as a play on words - Line 1.
"I am once again at lost for words"
Would that not be "I am once again at a loss for words" or "I am once again lost for words".
Please dont take offence at my critique - Im just speaking as I see and not taking away from this well structured and very evokative poem.
The second point i have is line 9
"leaving a deep stain like cum on baby's sheets"
to me this just doesnt fit here. I can see the intent of trying to create a vivid image - the corrupt against the innocent - but it just doesnt feel right.
These are the only two points i can find in this poem that I think are slightly out of place.
The rest I really do like. Its a real skill to paint a picture using words and make it come alive in the readers mind.
Im looking forward to reading more.
Lisa x
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this is really great, i enjoyed reading. niceee.
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This to me had a deeper meaning than just unhealthy relationships, I felt in some spots the direction could have easily been turned by the reader, depending on his or her perception.
Straight up, your style of writing is unique. At first impression, the look of the poem, is everyday, but the actual wording and themes, and message stands out among other people.
One negative in here was that the ideas seem to bounce from one another and didn't have an actual connection. Meaning- wise they did, however the actual objects didn't.
Setting aside that, you did a fantastic job.
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yeah i did think the ideas werent put together all so well. i did this faster than i usually would to write a good poem, i am very last minute as i dont log on each day. thank you for the encouraging comment.
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"i want her to say she loves me
but not with words or a regard,
i want the thoughts to burn right through me"
This is really something.. it captures the sense that words aren't enough to describe the emotion we want. I think the lines onerios13 commented on are awesome, as well, but thought I'd avoid repetition..
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i want to sew her body onto mine
and have my cells watching her every move,
i want to feel her growing inside my womb
This stretches like Sexton at her finest...and like her pieces, the rawness rivals that of the realness until you really can't tell which end begins and which end is where you want it to be. There is also another extra note here...of maturity and saturation, something that I have never seen in your writing and which flashes like foxfire and dazzles even as it threads quitely through the heart. I guess I could extoll all its wonderousness and write a novel about it, but let's just suffice it by saying: This was damn good.
You never cease to impress, peanut.
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wow, it's been a long time. This was an interesting and good write. I've been stuck writing mostly limericks these days. keep up the great work.
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beautiful
your style changed.
this was powerful.
:-)
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wow, you left me breathless. the third stanza is just pure genious!
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