Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Manchester Swagger

 

 

 

The Canada geese are fat this time of year;

they waddle around the lock basin

pinching carp and perch & hunks of bread,

thrown by man and boy

At Miles Platting bridge, the houses are run-down

almost desolate; & the rough-arsed rogue voiced

lads and ladettes leer, on street corner and over bicycle

handlebars- probably knicked

probably

not bloody bothered

not one;

     iota of charm passes their lips


 

- The geese however, hiss and preen

   at the barbie-pinks kickin' back

   with hooded-boys; chucking white lightening bottles

   and fag packets 'bout


 

Hiss and furl

            Hiss and furl



 

Feathers shadow under the bridge;

adult pooh sticks for beginners

 



 


 

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem, please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 40 of 40

  • Cat gold member
    June 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    we've always called them canadian geese too- must be a local thing- i love lads and ladettes lear- love the consonation through out the piece- your manchester musings always such a flair of truth and you in them.

    i wonder about that last line- i actually ran down your list of comments to see if anyone else had a question about it- i'm still not sure i get the "adult pooh sticks for beginners"? but i do like feather shadows under the bridge-

    as always- a clear representation of your home and of you-

    m

  • Karl Parkinson
    May 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    v.good

    Nice work, sharp, clear images, modern.

    esp liked rough arsed rouge- ladets bit.
    This is a voice that has been worked on for some time
    I suspect. I can related to the type of characthers in this poem, i have grown up with them.


  • katfair
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    hiss and furl

    hiss and furl

    hiss and furl

    this is life
    this is what we can be
    how I am feeling myself
    in fact

    the gesture of hissy birds who can
    bite and preen and stalk
    like geese
    had some mean roosters in my long ago life
    had to go out to the coop with a broom
    goat and rooster coming at me
    menacing
    I loved it!

    owls too
    now that is another chapter

    your poems do take us into the underbelly of itness
    of place and time

    and those uncharmed folks
    mucking about

    you create such atmosphere
    gritty and real


  • Noah20Tymatal
    May 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Good luck in the contest. Each verse flows direct to the point. It draws you in as though you are on a ledge viewing the scene as it happens.
    "not one;
    iota of charm passes their lips".
    Fantastic line expressing the attitudes. It may also explain the attitudes of the geese. Good write.

    . Rewarded 6


  • RedAquarius gold member
    May 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    You have a unique voice, one that fascinates and invites the reader into your reality. I love the meshing of pretty yet aggressive swans with the rough neighborhood and people within, I especially tie in the swans to the young folk, pretty in their youth and energy but aggressie and hissing, like the swan.

    . Rewarded 6


  • -ButterflyCuts-
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a bizarre piece....I like it a lot. You really capture this spittiness of the swans..as opposed to the grace I'm sure this contest will inspire...

    Have to go buy a riding hat now.....


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      they're geese... lmao

      not swans... but yeah... bird song, swan song.. the last bits of youth trying to be adults ... getting drunk and being obnoxious... yepp

      spittiness...

  • truembrace
    May 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    there is something in your poetry always that has us walking down the streets beside you - perhaps even tempted to go so far as to become more of the poem (in our wishes) than one possibly could as the reader. I guess what I mean to say is - we seem to always leave your poetry wanting more...

    - Kimmie


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Kim.... I am so glad that you feel you can walk alongside me with these writes...

      as that's the kind of atmosphere I am trying to get..

      ----- thank you Kim


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    May 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply






  • pixxiepoetess
    May 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This deviates from what the average poet might write when prompted with "swan song". I thought it was going to be a poem about the beauty of nature. I like that you surprised me with the raw truth of the scene you painted in these lines. Your imagery and word choice are both fantastic. Good luck in the contest .>pixxie<

    . Rewarded 6

  • Yvette Champ
    May 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Love it,the liberal way the poet reveals nature and human nature side by side,imagery has clarity and loved the neat ending,am a huge winnie the pooh fan and loved the inclusion of them throwing adult sticks as beginners,superb read

    . Rewarded 4


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      as always Yvette, your words touch me in so many ways.. thank you .. thank you
  • zara
    May 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I think they're just Canada Geese, no? Rather than Canadian. Here, they are in abundance, as you might imagine. Park officials don't publicize the cull (but I hope the meat goes to the shelters), because the damned things are so good looking. They show up everywere - couple of weeks ago one was stopping traffic in a light industrial zone on the morning commute. Arrogant bastard!

    Is there an extra "probably" in S2, darlin? or was that intentional. Reference isn't clear, to me. But while we're on S2, I do love the first 3 lines. Yes.

    I don't understand the last 2 lines. "Feathers under the bridge" seems a variant on the "water under..." cliche, and I have no idea what adult pooh sticks might be. That could be my cultural ignorance, of course, and you must fogive me that I live in a rain-besotted corner of the world farther from anywhere than just about anywhere else. (In a contest, I'd have to give the prize to the Yukon, I suppose, or Nunavit which after all didn't exist before about six years ago.)

    Please excuse my ramblings, as I'm a writer who has not been writing and so my desperation shows up in what should be comments on poetry.

    Were it me (and it is not), I might end thus:

    - The geese however, hiss and preen
    at the barbie-pinks kickin' back
    with hooded-boys, empty
    white lightening bottles
    and fag packets



    Much promise here.


    . Rewarded 8


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Zara

      for your great critique and comment. .... I've made a couple of changes... and plus, we've always known them as Canadian but I shall bow to you, as they are yours to name... so Canada geese they are...

      as for the feathers and pooh sticks, I was trying to give off the image of the kids playing under and on the bridge - in more ways than one.. ie: drinking, smoking, fondling etc.. .. therefore the pooh sticks for beginners is a way of saying they are drinking before their time and chucking the empties in the canal... maybe it is too parochial or even colloquial?? I dunno.... I think I may writing in my own voice or the voice of the area too much ???

      the probably, probably is meant.. as the kids round here have a way of doubling up on words to add emphasis to things - especially the things they don't like or care about... so if an adult asked them not to throw their stuff in the canal, they wouldn't give a jot or care... probably??

      I always, always... heheh... welcome your comments as you make me revise and change things, and with your keen eye you pick up on my glaring errors..... ......

      I've been on an 8 day stretch, so maybe I should have waited till my brain was in gear before posting this......


      you lady are lovely.... ....

      and my world is much brighter for having you in it.... ... your parcel is growing... ----- hehehehhehe --- I hope you can wait till after the 23rd ... when the books arrive, I am so excited ... yes I am




      • zara
        May 19, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        ohhhh yeah, I see now, that stanza dripping in sarcasm.

        I think Americans call them Canadian geese, too, actually; always sounds to me like we've granted them citizenship or something. The ornithology book says Canada goose (I double checked.)

        Glad to be of help. Let me know if it just gets annoying, k?



        • NurseChilly gold member
          May 19, 2007
          Edit | Reply
          you are never annoying.. tsk tsk... no no no

          and cool, now I shall remember... always Canada goose... ... we sure do see a lot of them around the canals around here.. I love their colours... and the squawk they make ... I am however, very daft... .. as you know

  • B2oH
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Geese and humans...not much separated by actions -- there in Manchester. The preening and hissing.

    I find this quite full of imagery....a gray drab dullness enlivened by the wildlife. But of course, the wildlife are too involved in their daily antics to consider the parallels of Humanity and Geese.

    . Rewarded 6


  • Rowan gold member
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    As soon as I saw, Canadian geese..I had to check this out..lol.
    Do they ever get thin? The're fat here too!
    I loved this, such an ingenious write.
    Unique, and as creative as only you can be.
    You should publish..if you haven't already..I'd buy
    it for sure!

    Kathleen

    . Rewarded 6


  • tara wilson gold member
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    bicicyle - not sure here, maybe bicycle?
    Maybe spelled different there
    LOVE IT


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      oops.... missed that one.. thank you

      trouble with working 8 days on the trot
  • Desiree Darkk
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Now see, you should have entered this in the contest. A refreshing change from the teen angst and utter bullshit we've been getting in that contest, then they whine about our crits. This would show them how a real poem is written. Rich in imagery and the opening lines grab the reader by the balls and don't let go till the last word is spoken.

    Also I have a soft spot in my heart for Canadian geese.

    Desiree

    . Rewarded 6


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i should be Catholic.... i do guilt and coveted cowardice so well ... lmao



      and sighs.... yes, you do...

  • Annalise
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    yeah!

    I once tried to write a poem with Canadian geese. Nothing came out right and most of it was trashed. What was left turned into a haiku.

    This, though... wow.

    . Rewarded 4


  • ca ne fait rien
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I saw a pair of collared doves on the Stray- they were so fat they could hardly waddle away from the dog
    Yes- it is so, there is not one iota of charm in those kidolescents *shudder*. It is an awful indictment of something that it is proBably not wise or fair to launch into a tirade about here.
    One of my new favourites of yours.

    . Rewarded 6


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      hehehhehe collared doves... heheheheh - so funny
      and yes... you may blast out on here is you so wish... as that is what I do love about some of my friends, who say what needs to be said..

      please feel free stefi...

  • Hetha gold member
    May 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I love the imagery here! Hope those kids got what they deserved. Sounds like they did.


  • Night Hope gold member
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful penning, my Friend...Geese & swans are both deceptively gentle~natured...they appear calm & unfrazzled until someone threatens them or their loved ones...Then they turn into pitbulls... Good luck in Mary's contest, Sweetie... Wanda

    . Rewarded 6


  • Nicolette gold member
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "adult pooh sticks"...lol, that's what you call it in Manchester !!!

    This is a hiss, girl - some geese!! Loved it.

    ~ Nicolette

    . Rewarded 4


  • misselaineous gold member
    May 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    bloody 'ell gal
    this is ace!

1 - 40 of 40