Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Sacrifice

The smell of the night's lifeline
Is the radiance dwelling in your enigmatic eyes.
Your deep dark with a handful of starlight on the palm
Is too stubborn to compromise.
Yet, you were created by the hand of virtue;
As tomorrow starts rising,
You stop pretending that you are unfeeling;
You draw back the curtains for the freedom of the hue.
Your solemn sublime
Creates the new day in flawless rhyme.
You reserve your encore time for your dormancy
And lift the dawn up into the grand carmine.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Chocoholic156
    September 17

    Edit | Reply
    I didn't feel that this was very original, but there were some good parts in it.
    Your deep dark with a handful of starlight on the palm
    is my favorite part. I thought the flow was very choppy, you could definatly fix that.
    Good job and keep writing.

  • lindaburns
    July 27
    Edit | Reply
    Judge:
    Oh, I think we can get you a little trophy out of this one.
    Nice work.


  • StormGoddess Greeters member
    January 19

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely done with this. Brings thoughts that go deeper than the words written upon the page. Wonderful word usage too. I like this piece. Thank you for entering and good luck. Storm

  • bananasfoster42
    November 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    awesome use of vocabulary! thanks for the entry!

  • Griswold silver member
    November 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Excellently written, this flows very nicely from start to finish. This is wonderfully done indeed. Best of luck...Scott

  • Buchan
    August 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    excellent

    Very well expressed and written. Talented with a great flow of words.Thank you a very good poem,written from the soul..Well done...Gordie


  • Ammon
    August 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    For starters, you gave a great representation of the title of your poem which is VERY important. But something triggers in your poem that gives me the slightest impression that you chose your title first, then wrote your poem. If you did, at least for future reference, it's one of the BIGGEST mistakes a poet can make. Placing a title first would be like locking a cage and THEN trying o fill it with water. You would have to build around your title instead of freely writing. I don't know for sure if you did but that's the impression I got.

    You have grammatical errors that reduce the effectiveness of the poem. See the following EDITED version of your poem as I'm sure it's much better and more effective to the reader...

    The smell of the night's lifeline
    is the radiance dwelling in your enigmatic eyes
    Your deep dark with a handful of starlight on the palm
    is too stubborn to compromise
    Yet, you were built by the hand of virtue
    As tomorrow starts rising,
    you stop faking being unfeeling; (???) CHANGE THIS!
    You draw back the curtains for the freedom of the hue,
    your solemn sublime
    Creates the new day in flawless rhyme
    You reserve your encore time for your dormancy
    and lift the dawn up into the grand carmine

    Check for the differences between the two poems so you can decipher the difference of what has been changed. Other than this, I must say I enjoyed your poem very much. This is one of my favorite ones I have read for this particular option. Great job and good luck!

  • Ammon
    August 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    You need the option number. I'll give you 1 day


  • ReasoningsThreat
    August 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is nicely written but i have to admit the rhyme scheme had me a little faltered in flow. Very nice write.

  • Brazos silver member
    July 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    BeanBiscuit

    I felt several things while reading your poem. I felt nostalgia, I felt promise, I felt love, I felt purity, and impurity, I felt uncertainess, and I felt uncertainty. I really don't know what you were trying to say, but I do know that you stirred up a lot of feelings in me.

    Wondrous write, knocked me flat out. I'm going to read it over and over.....

    Love, Brazos


  • Haunted-Memory silver member
    July 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Brilliant

    A brilliant poem written with a lot of passion in its words well done with this one good luck in the contest (Brian)

  • mysticwriter silver member
    July 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Well written...enjoyed...

1 - 13 of 13