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Troubled Sleep

The nightmare keeps returning - burning the remains -

there's blood upon the bedspread - red spreads, dries and stains - 

The dream contains a lesson you're not learning.

 

There's a shadow on the landing standing by your door.

Your bedside rug is shifting, lifting from the floor -

And there is more that you're not understanding.

 

The hand that counts the seconds beckons to the knife.

Back to its frame's returned the burned picture of your wife -

there's something in your life demands redress she reckons.

 

There's a memory you keep spurning, are yearning to forget -

You plead you've since paid dearly, have really paid your debt:

and yet -

the nightmare keeps returning. 

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 48 of 48

  • Venus25
    October 9
    Edit | Reply
    Terrifyingly excellent

  • Shya
    September 28

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is really well-written, and the emotions are conveyed so well. I like how you don't tell us what happened but hint at it with imagery and words... a unique write. Very well-written. Thanks for entering. Shya
  • This is interesting! Very much so! The thoughts someone who viewed a crime scene must be like this! Nicely written. Good job with this!

    ♥AllYoullNeverHave

  • Ephiphany gold member
    July 4

    Edit | Reply

    Clever write you have here

    interesting may I add. Thanks for your entry and good luck.

    -ephiphany

  • "There's a memory you keep spurning, are yearning to forget -
    You plead you've since paid dearly, have really paid your debt:
    and yet -
    the nightmare keeps returning. " love those lines! great job and thanks for entering
  • Now, I'm not partial to rhyme but this was fantastic. Your description was amazing and the flow was flawless. I look forward to reading more of your work.

    Cheers,
    Rodwen

  • wow really liked this one
  • ecrivain01 silver member
    May 24

    Edit | Reply

    The last line of stanza 3 ...

    has a problem. You've used "reckons", which doesn't rhyme with anything in any of the other stanzas. All the other rhyme words in that spot in each stanza are gerunds. I suspect you might want to fix that before the contest closes.

    • ecrivain01 silver member
      May 24
      Edit | Reply

      No ...

      you're right. I was in a hurry. The last word in each of the other 3 is an "ing" word, and all the other end words have a rhyme scheme of some sort. Only reckons stands alone in that regard.

      Anyway, it's not a big deal. Leave it.
      • ecrivain01 silver member
        May 24
        Edit | Reply

        Yes. ;)

        I see now. I'm obviously just too tired, and I don't feel at all well. I actually missed the word beckons there.
      • Though 'reckons' rhymes with 'beckons
        and (if you force it) 'seconds',
        as the end word of the stanza it's too weak.
        In the poem it's a flaw
        that persuades me to withdraw
        this entry (but my thanks for your critique).
    • Hi. Although I am unhappy with "reckons" as it's a somewhat ungainly word, I feel you misjudge the rhyming scheme in that it is only with the first and last stanzas that there needs to be a match of rhymes (so that the piece starts and ends with the same line). The other two stanzas each stand alone. I would add that, surely, a gerund is where the 'ing' suffix is used to turn a verb into a noun (such as 'living' in the living is easy'). This doesn't occur anywhere in this piece where the suffix is only used as the present participle of the verbs. Not that I mind having weaknesses pointed out to me (in fact, I do find this is helpful), but feel that, perhaps, it's just the weakness of "reckons" rather than any structural failing that's at question here? I really don't mind either leaving it as it stands or quietly withdrawing it as an entry. What do think (I don't have any other half decent pieces with bronze of less)? Cheers, jimmy


  • Sagerider
    May 15
    Edit | Reply

    Bravo Jimmy

    This one gave me cold shivers. Great write.

  • great write keep it up
    xoxox


  • Chocoholic156
    April 17

    Edit | Reply
    I like how this has a dark nightmare feel to it but also I was confused as to how death was coming, because I think I can count more than three...and that was jut a little confusing for me. But this a really nice write, so keep writing!
  • that last line is a killer! loved it!!
    excellent job the flow was excellent and thanks for entering

  • Don Quixotes Quest
    February 16

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome. Finalists.

    That was guilt. It was burning. Great write.

    Thanks for entering the contest,
    -Dlvvanzor
  • i love this its brilliant!!!!! great work and thanks for entering

  • CaliOkie silver member
    January 25

    Edit | Reply

    Intoxicating

    You not only have a natural talent, you've developed it to such a fine degree that yours is among some of the finest poetry I have ever read. You exercise such rigid control that it appears spontaneous -- and you seem to do it effortlessly.

    You are a living, breathing classic. You should be published. Your work should be studied. Learned folk should write books about you.

    University types should be sitting around saying things like: "I think he's making an existential statement about the fundamental insubstantiality of life and how perception informs reality."

    Nah, you just want to kill the bitch.

    I'm adding you to my favorites. You got me jazzed.

    CaliOkie.


  • Midnight-x-Rose gold member
    January 20

    Edit | Reply
    Although this didn't scare me it was wonderfully written. Really enjoyed the rhyme and how you described his returning nightmare. It would make a good plot for a horror film too, I think. Or a psychological thriller.
  • WOW......
    this was an intense read.
    Very, very well written. Kudos
    ((and if i didn't like it i wouldn't bother commenting, haha.....))

    AMAZING!!!!!!!!!


  • skilter
    January 8

    Edit | Reply
    Dark poetry, just my kind indeed. I greatly enjoyed this, this is the kind of poem that until the end my mind traced all kinds of thoughts, thoughts about its meaning and thoughts of my own dreams as well, just the kind of message that I often attempt to convey in my writings as well. This was great to read, and very well written, I enjoyed its flow.


    • jimmy20johns gold member
      January 8
      Edit | Reply
      Hi. Many thanks for your appreciative comment. The encouragement it gives is most welcome. Cheers, jimmy

  • Seraph
    January 1

    Edit | Reply
    Very complex, vivid, dark write. I love this form, even if it is nameless. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest!

    -Sera

  • davidwright silver member
    December 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    That's a damn fine piece of work though I suspect it's something you do with ease.

  • Ellis gold member
    December 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent Writing -- Very EXCITING

    Feel like I've been in a blender -- of great sound and color.
    ----------


  • Swan song gold member
    December 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    hey i like this tell me what form it is please

  • mythian
    December 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    well written

    i think this was very well written. i see a lot of potential here. good luck


  • micol gold member
    December 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Nice use of complex, interwoven rhyme patterns to emphasize the twisting, nightmarish sense the poem creates. Well handled.


  • EarthToJim
    November 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Woops

    Forgot the official stamp of approval!


  • EarthToJim
    November 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm enamored of this piece too. The resplendent lyrical quality compels one to read it again and again. Very best wishes on this contest entry.
  • lovelydesdemona
    November 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    OOooooOOOOoooooh, Mi gusta!
    very vivid, and I really like the rhyme scheme.


  • jcat gold member
    October 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOW!! this is quite the powerful piece. reminds us that we cant keep running from our sins.. one day soon we will have to atone for them. thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.

  • TheAshtrayGirl
    October 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    :)

    Brilliant poem
    I really enjoyed reading it
    Good luck in my contest
    From Jaz <3

  • leander gold member
    October 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really like how you used those internal rhymes (or whatever the specific term of that is ) it really gives this extra beat to the poem itself and actually adds to the flow too

    A great poem you have entered, thank you
    Leander

  • Never Fall in Love gold member
    October 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Nightmares - I have many of them myself and it's so disturbing. SOmetimes I will wake up and not remember a thing and that's even more scary. But if I go deeper into my own nightmares - I will probably not want to sleep again.

    When will I be rid of them, I don't know.

    Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest
    Never ♥

  • azlyn gold member
    October 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I am a re-occuring nightmare sufferer so...this makes perfect sense to me. You wake up and wonder what the hell is all this? After forty some years of it...you just figure it is your lot in life and deal. Thanks for the entry...best of luck in the contest!

    Blessed Be~
    Az

  • Bob Fox
    October 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    My thoughts

    Words written that tose younger can not yet understand...My haunting continues as I grow ever closer


  • lee-sharp
    October 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i can dig the internal rhyme. i can get past the bits that seem a little dated and cliche. and its all because the piece simply has nice flow. it could be cleaned up, tied closer to the subject, but overall its not too bad a piece.
  • cerisedreams
    October 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Though you say this is not your forte...I do wish you would write more. I am no professional and no critic, by far...but, I know what I enjoy. Thank you for taking the time to share your writing with us!!

    • jimmy20johns gold member
      October 5, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Many thanks for your encouraging comment. I've peeped at your work and like it very much. Look forward to seeing your latest as and when. Cheers, jimmy

  • Viyanna Rosemarie
    October 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i would liek to thank you for sharing your talent with me through this wonderful write. i wish you well in the contest that we both have entered. i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie

    • jimmy20johns gold member
      October 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Viyanna. Thank you for your nice comment. I'll be popping over to read some of your pieces shortly and will return the compliment. Cheers, jimmy

  • Jalalbad gold member
    October 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Great poem!

    good luck in contest.


  • Rhyming From Rehab
    October 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wonderful imagery use in this poem, don't know if I would want troubled sleep, lol then again I guess that is why I am not getting any tonight...wonderful poem, thank you for sharing!


  • Touchof1der Moderators member
    September 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    What an exceptional amount of detailed imagery you have created to wrap the mind around. May you continuosly let your thoughts flow freely and keep that pen handy!
    ♥ Touchof1der
1 - 48 of 48