Baby,
won't you come over tonight?
Cause I can't take another moment...
of
wanting
you.
Take my hand ~it's yours~ and I'll lead you
from this hazy,
mirrored,
bar room.
Away from the eyes that bind.
that tie us to our chairs -
and silence honeyed tongues.
Come to me now... leave your half-way glass, dripping distractions on that table.
~You don't need that poison~
[Tonight, I want you to drown in me instead]
A contest entry
- Something Good by Dorcha Runda.
450 points, ended December 15, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - In To Deep... by Daizy21.
850 points, ended December 8, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Prewrite 3 by Heavenly Angel.
475 points, ended December 12, 2007, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Last Contest - Give Me Your Best by Nam.
7100 points, ended December 17, 2007, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - meh by Anonymous Shadow.
300 points, ended January 24, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Expressing Your Poetic Feelings by D Saul So Sexy.
550 points, ended March 31, 8 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Craze Contest by xFeatherLettersx.
550 points, ended June 29, 92 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your BEST of everything prewrites!!! by perfectsunset.
475 points, ended September 16, 89 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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ooh very prettyy write.
Really loved these lines
"Away from the eyes that bind.
that tie us to our chairs -
and silence honeyed tongues.
Come to me now... leave your half-way glass, dripping distractions on that table."
--gorgeous imagery!
Best of luck & thanks for entering
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Hey
This poem ,to me, has more than what the eye could read. Its not a trashy poem but has some feeling to it. It was well written.
I really enjoyed the way you wrapped things up in the end.
Good job
Malzy -
Take my hand ~it's yours~ and I'll lead you
from this hazy,
mirrored,
bar room.
That part speaks loudly to me, a recovering alcoholic that wishes I would have had the kind hand to lead me away. Masterfully done. -
Wonderful
It oozes, seduction and sexiness. I love the line, "come to me now, leave that half-way glass, dripping distractions on that table" It is such a simple statement, but so full of meaning. I also liked the line "silence honeyed tongues" That is a fantastic line as well. I truly enjoyed this piece all the way around. It was worth the read. ~mandie~ -
mmmmm... sounds sexy.
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This is leaning in towards erotica, but its nice.
Well done
-GL in contest -
Ha Ha!
Cute piece here
. I like the looseness in the story. I guess if I was single I'd provbably consider heading out to a bar in the hope of finding that person feeling like the words you've written.
You could have quite easily gotten down and dirty, but you've managed to leave it to the readers imagination/fantasies.
Good work
Wishes -Emmjay -
i loved this very much it hit home wit my feelings a whole lot for this lady she is very enthralling and absolutely a stunning women no other wat to metion her thanks for this entry
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Come to me now... leave your half-way glass, dripping distractions on that table.
~You don't need that poison~
[Tonight, I want you to drown in me instead]
wow! this is just great work! loved the ending absolutely! keep up the good work!!!
. Rewarded 6
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Cause I can't take another moment.. of wanting you.
wow this is so great i have had these feeling alot also and this is so full of emotion.
good luck on the contest and iwould loveto read more of your stuff and i would love you have your opinoin on my stuff good luck
. Rewarded 6
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That was great! My favorite line was your ending. Loved it!
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I normally do not like free writes, but I liked this piece. I was light and yet still possesses a great deal of passion. Great job!
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Fantastic!
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Wonderfully done!
A most beautiful write of love and passion
Much enjoyed
Thank you for sharing this! Good luck! -
"Tonight, I want you to drown in me instead"
This is my favourite, perfect ending, you did well,this is a true display of emotions.
Good luck! -
WOW! I love this so flippin much! The whole thing just rocked me - I really, really like it! Awsome poem! Can't wait for more!
. Rewarded 4
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awww it's beautiful. You should definitely give it to him.
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Give it to him, without a doubt
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that last line is amazing!
OF COURSE YOU SHOULD GIVE IT TO HIM!
You cant make him love you (and im only assuming that he doesnt already) but at least you can let him know how you feel and then it will be off of your chest.Then the balls in his court.
. Rewarded 6
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oooh that was breathaking. the first part was a bit....cliche maybe. A bit teenage angst [the use of the word 'baby' which for me means cheap r&b] but you soon got into your stride and penned a wonderful, sexy poem.the layout added to it as well ,rather than being distracting and the notelet at the end finished it off.
defiantly a bookmark
xxx
. Rewarded 6
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wow! such deep emotion and wanting. i can really relate to this because i know how that feels. i love yhe message in there too. subtle yet so completely obvious it's brilliant. your final verse, almost a notation, just makes the whole thing work so perfectly. i also love the aesthetic structure in that the line spacing and all gives the poem an even more meaningful .power. you express yourself very well
. Rewarded 8
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That last line was PERFECT! Its really difficult to write poems in this style, but I think you made it work as both a letter and a poem so major kudos on that.
Give it to him for sure. <3 And keep writing, you obviously have a great voice.
. Rewarded 4
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Come to me now... leave your half-way glass, dripping distractions on that table.
~You don't need that poison~
[Tonight, I want you to drown in me instead]
Okay, I adored this poem. I loved that last part! It was tremendous and very intense. I love the form of this poem, too. This piece is perfect! I can't even offer any constructive criticism. I am bookmarking it.
PS thanks for the comment on my poem!
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This is certainly original. A subtle and enticing invitation that would easily cause a drunkard to give up drinking! An enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the comp
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NICE! BLOODY AMAZING! I LOVE IT! JUST LOVE IT! THANKS FOR YOUR ENTRY AND GOOD LUCK!
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Thankyou so much for your lovely comment!
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