Shimmering images fade before my eyes
As life itself seems to evaporate
The new world being so harsh and cruel
The old one but a sanctuary
Knives being thrown into my heart
One by one cutting deeper
Shattering this little piece of emotion
Till there is nothing but shards
Whispering around a cavity
That no longer has any meaning or sense
The key to my heart was jammed in so tight
It ripped it right open
Exposing the precious feelings inside
To those of you that looked my way
Close your eyes
As the world collapses underneath you
Killing all that is beautiful
And slaying all that is good
Gardens of colour dying
Becoming grey and withered
As the life source dies slowly
As my soul is slowly killed
Leave me to die among these dying things
With my head in my hands and tears cascading down my face
It is time to sleep
Among death tonight
To feel these fragile roses petals
Fall right upon my cheek
Trying to soak these tears
But I will leave with the wind
As my soul has been killed
And I cannot bear to hear your name anymore
A contest entry
- Will you be the one to catch her? by over the rainbow--x.
525 points, ended February 20, 88 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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This is really great. you have really been able to display emotions, the images you have created are very vivid, and descriptive. I love the word choice.. its amazing, very striking, and again, emotional. I love emotions.
Btw, the 6th last line., i believe it should be rose's petals.. if you meant to say the petals of the rose, if of the roses, then it should be roses' .. hope this is something helpful.
Another thing is you might want to look at the line arrangement one more time, to me it felt like the lines were.. messy. Like " With my head in my hands and tears cascading down my face " i felt like thats too long.. Even though this is a freewrite, (though it definately does have its own special rhythm) i think the lines should be more, thought-through, because the words you have placed in them deserve to look good, since the meaning they portray and the point they make when combined is purely magical as showing such raw emotions.
And i loved the last line. It gave sort of an explanation as to why this poem was written.
Love it. Thanks for sharing it.
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wow thanks. didn't expect a comment for a poem this far back.
I'll definetly look into those things you were talking about when I've got a bit more time
thanks
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guilty
it was very emotional i could actually feel the emotion in the poem. great write i loved it. that was beautiful. perfect title, keep up the awesome work!!!!^^
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Wow, this was incredible! I've been doing some reading here and there of all the stuff I've missed, but this one took my breath away. Truly amazing.
~.~Yvonne~.~
Oh, and i think in (To feel these fragile roses petals
) you meant rose, not roses
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&& pain is the most beautiful thing we own, unfortunately ]=
this was beautiful. simply && truly.
Thanks for entering, good luck in my contest [=
♥
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beautiful and sad at once
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Thismis an amazing write! Your concept with this write is perfect! I really enjoyed reading this. Keep up the awesome work!
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thank you so much!
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beauty... just beautiful. its sad how its true but even amoung pain, you can find beauty.
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thy words rise into those shadows where a heart is shredded into oblivion and one hears those jeers from that abysss of darkness.
Interesting perspective!
Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
Bill
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your welcome!!
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absolutely amazing, emotional, kind of depressed, and at the same time, serene.i adore your way of seeing things, and the way you compose and express yourself. your meaning was terribly beautiful!
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thank you so much for the positive feedback. atm it really helps. thank you
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This is a very emotional piece of writing.Makes a person sad too.It was very deep rooted and gives one a differat way of looking at things.I liked the wording that you chose,and you made it look as if the words and what you were saying you could picture everything that you had wanted the reader to see.Great job.The title that you picked was a good one and the forst and last line was picked well.
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thank you for the positive feedback i really appreciate it
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Oh wow this was very elegant! I loved it! The last couple of lines were kind of... angsty but the rest was awesome! Brilliant imagery and divine word choice. WELL DONE.
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thank you for the positive feedback. i didn't mean for the last lines to sound angsty but was crying when i wrote it so that probably has something to do with it. lol. thank you again
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