Jealousy seeping through my veins
Jealousy overtaking my pain
Bursts right up inside of me
Makes me blind, I cannot see
Pictures of you having fun
Pictures of you in the sun
I see all of this in my mind
These nasty feelings, I cannot hide
You're on your adventure overseas
I keep on crying, what about me
My head turns over all the things you'll do
Why can't I be there with you
Why are you overseas on your very own trip
In anger I sit and feel completely jipped
So jealous of you going away
So jealous I don't know what to say
In my room I sit and drinks beers
In my room I give into my fears
I scream I cry and I hate on you
When jealousy wins, I don't know what to do
Author notes
Things were rocky between my partner and I and she went overseas with her best friend for a month, the trip was planned well before. I really struggled with her being away and was unfortunately consumed by the green eyed monster.
A contest entry
- emotion, hatred, pain, jealousy, rage... etc (options) by xXblackRoseXx.
300 points, ended January 1, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Ways to Say Goodbye by Xombii.
500 points, ended October 9, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please comment truthfully, constructive critiscism is what i need...i want to move on with my poetry so be hard!!!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I can't give you a constructive criticism because I can't be emotionally attached with this. I feel what you must have felt and is still feeling now. It sucks to be left behind and yes it just makes you hate that person just a little bit even when you love her.
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Very beautifully written dear.
I know the feeling of jealousy all too well, and god it's a horrid feeling.
Thank you for entering!
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oh my consumed by jealousy and over someone else who has the oppertunity you wanted badly as it sounds that is terrible and at times dangerous trust me I know. This is a very strong emotion and you portrayed it well here.
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Good job. I can't find anything wrong with it. You describe how miserable it is to feel jealous. I like how you tell the reader what going on in your head. You tell it just how it is.
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Good Read
I like this poem. I really don't have any suggestions upon how to improve it more but I like the depth flow and beauty etched through out the poem. any ways good work all round and keep it up
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Powerhouse!!!
I can feel the emotion and pain behind this. Your flow is heavenly. Love this poem, I've been there before. I couldn't have said it better myself. Fantastic write.
mandie
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I can feel the emotion and pain behind this!! You did an excellent job portraying this write!! You did a most amazing job expressing your feelings!! Your flow is lovely!! You have a perfect word choice!! You did a very wonderful job!! I love it!! I have felt this way many many times before!!
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good
I think it is really good - a small problem with some of the rhyming, but the emotion comes out strongly. Only problem is.....jealousy is such a negative emotion, & sooooooo unsexy, it just drives people away. I have made that mistake before. It"s not possible to control anyone. Try and show interest and concern, and give them a long reign. If they love you, they will realize what you"re doing, and respect it.
Keep it up.
Tony
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Hello,
This really brings the tears. I was going to suggest ways so that things aren't repeated but I believe the repeated lines makes the rhythm of the poem.
However if you would like to remove some of the repeated words then maybe something like this -
"Jealousy seeping through my veins overtaking my pain"
"Pictures of you having fun in the sun"
"So jealous of you going away that I don't know what to say"
"In my room I sit and drink beers,
giving into my fears"
"While crying I scream-
I HATE you."
"When jealousy wins,
I don't know what to do."
Maybe a line space on the last line?
Anyway it all depends on what type of rhythm you're creating.
In the end you can still feel the emotion in this poem regardless.
Well done
Kari
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Love this poem, I've been there before.
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