Give me the strength to move my finger one inch to the left, please
There’s nothing here that I still love, nor need
Give me the strength to end this tonight
I’ve willed this to happen with all of my might
Give me the strength to move my finger one inch to the right
I’m not ready for my life to be over tonight
Give me the strength to put down the gun
Let it be now that good sense has won
Pull the trigger and put a hole in my head
I wish for nothing more than to be dead
Pull the trigger and end this Hell
Never again can I ever be well
Don’t pull the trigger and let me live!
I’ve loads and loads of goodness to give
Don’t pull the trigger and keep my insides together
Please let me live and let me get better
Listen to the bang and know it is done
I knew from the beginning this wouldn’t be fun
Listen to the bang and feel the pain
Blood streaming down like a torrent of rain
Listen to the bang pointed away from my head
Still on my shoulders, still not dead
Listen to the band and see another day
I know I will die but please not this way
Feel the blood run down the side of my face
Feeling the sting like a hit of mace
Feel the blood run away tonight
Looking back nothing was ever alright
Feel the blood pumping in my heart
Just like it has from the very start
Feel the blood coursing through my veins
Live another day of love and pain
This was the end, my last resort of sorts
No one to love me, no one to court
This was the end, I fell too far tonight
Nothing again will ever be right
This is the beginning, my life anew
So many things I wish to do
This is the beginning, Hell’s finally won
I put down the smile and pick up the gun
Author notes
Well, this has been in my head for a while.
It's kind of about the two sides of my mind.
One wants death, one wants life.
And in the end, both sides die.
A contest entry
- Will you be the one to catch her? by over the rainbow--x.
525 points, ended February 20, 88 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Like? Dislike? Reasons?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
-
It's sad how everything died in the end, Yet, your two opening stanzas were amazing, && then I just realised, you're 13, that's such strong emotion for somone so young, && then such an impressive style of performing your words.
Finalist.
thanks for entering, good luck in my contest [=
♥
-
-
Thanks.
:->
-
-
I liked the choice to start the first two stanzas with
Give me the strength to move my finger one inch to the left, pleaseThere’s nothing here that I still love, nor need
and
Give me the strength to move my finger one inch to the right
and
Don’t pull the trigger and keep my insides together
these were powerful lines and i immediately liked the tone, but i dont think you exploited it at all, with the inclination to rhyme in 4 stanza form in my opinion, severely limiting the impact of what i think should have been a freeform subject
i can almost see you ticking through the alphabet to find a word that rhymed in each of the stanzas and had some semblance to the theme
I think you should explore freeform and assonance as poetic devices rather than sticking rigidly to a strictly rhyming technique especially for these deeply thought out pieces
I did not realise you were 13, however,
and forsaken one is right, you showed a lot of creativity presenting an argument between your two 'selves'
Keep writing, those opening lines are impressive for an adult, let alone someone so young
. Rewarded 8
-
-
I'm glad you somewhat liked it. Or at least I think you did.
I know that some of the rhyming might seem a little forced, but I did the best I could.
As for writing freeform, I'm just not into it. I really suck at writing freee verse. And I've read some really sucky ones myself. Actually, I've read loads more bad ones than I have good ones. Some people can, some people can't, I guess.
Anyways, thank for the comment and the critique. It was very much appreciated. -
-
i liked your response to my critique-you stood your ground and made a valid point, youre my flipside because thats what i think of rhyme these days- perhaps i need to be more flexible, theres great in all forms
-
-
Yeah.
-
-
-
-
Sad write..both in the upside and the down...I enjoyed the style tho...flipping back and forth between life and death..interesting way to go about the piece..for a 13 year old, you did a marvelous job, keep up the fantastic work..
. Rewarded 4
-
-
Thank you very much.
Glad that you liked it.
-
-
This was pretty good, but could be better. It's definitely something I can relate to, because I've definitely been there before. But what I would really like to see is you describing this situation, not really telling us.
This would make a pretty good short story, if you wrote it somehow similar to this, but as a poem, it just doesn't quite make the mark.
Anyway, I hope you don't take this the wrong way. This definitely has potential, so don't feel bad. Good luck! -
-
Yeah, I was tempted to try a short story, but they never come out right. So I wrote a poem instead. And I think that it's one of my better ones too.
I didn't take this the wrong way, in fact, quite the opposite. I very much appreciate the honesty and the critque, so thank you.
And thank you for the comment in general.
-
-
I liked the way you juxtaposed the two warring sides of your personality. I think you write very well for a thirteen year old, in fact it is very adult writing. I thought you made yourself clear. You said you welcomed crits, but I really didn't find much to crit here or much that could be improved. This seemed fine the way it is.
-
-
Thank you very much.
I'm glad that people like my poem, that they find it well written.
:->
-
-
DON'T DIE!!!
I agree with innocent evil, I WOULD DIE TOO!!!!!
DON'T DIE!!!
Pwease?? -
BAH!!!! i dont like this poem (because the suiside part)!!!!!! ROAR!!! then again i love it! its so flowy! I would die if you died! its like 2 poeple ssaying 2 things! i love it!
-
-
I'm not dying so you're not dying.
We're all living happily.
:->
See, HAPPY!
:-P
Thanks for the comment though!!
-
-
NO Dieing or ill kill you!!!jk... I love it how it switches from death to life then death to life and so on... I love it how you would repeat things but make it the opposite. like This was the end TO This is the beginning I like it!
-
-
Thanks, glad you do!
:->
And no dying, just thoughts getting out.
-
-
i
fucking
love
this.
Seriously, amazing write! So beautiful and so well crafted. It doesnt hop like a poem like this could easily do, and thats your skill as a writer shining through. =)
I feel connected with this a lot too.
REALLY GOOD JOB!!!!!!! id give more applause if i could =P
-
-
It's rhyme and you STILL love it?
I must be getting better.
Thanks soooo much for the comment!!
Love it when people like my work!
So thanksss again!!
-
-
♥♥♥Love it♥♥♥
Hi cori cori, please don't die I will miss you if you do!!! *grabs cori* ha I got you now. I really liked the poem but your friends love you please don't die!!
Fluffy
-
-
I'm not going to die, just getting out some thoughts in my head.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 21 of 21
