i.
i think i'm overreacting. everything i say is so overemotional.
i keep questioning this. i don't know why though, because i'm afraid of the answers.
i'm afraid to know what you'd think of me if i told you about my real life.
ii.
my converses were untied. i had to stare at the ground, trying not to trip over them. when i looked up i saw you. my words caught in my throat,
leaving me gasping for breath. you smiled, and i turned red.
iii.
i looked like i was happy, i acted like everything was fine. i tried to never slip up, i tried to keep you out of my world. but i failed at times. my voice would crack, trying to hold back my tears. you would ask what was wrong, but i couldn't tell.
i just couldn't.
iv.
am i still a person?
because
i.don't.feel.like.one
when i felt your heart beating, i knew i wasn't alone. but that feeling faded soon. it wasn't you. it was me. because i know i'm broken. i'm damaged.
most of all,
i'm sick.
v.
my heart hurts.
i don't think that i can pour out anymore of my emotions.
i.can't.take.this
Author notes
i'm sick.
i'm broken.
i'm defective.
sometimes i wonder why you waste your time.
this isn't poetic.
this wasn't supposed to be.
so if you don't like it
don't comment.
because i'm in an especially bad mood.
....
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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"am i still a person?
because
i.don't.feel.like.one
most of all,
i'm sick."
This is poetic, even if you didn't mean it to be. And I love the above.
...Even if you hate this, it is so from the gut! I don't think there's anymore editting to point at.
And I know this feeling precisely, even if it is on my very shallow, pointless kind of level.
Hope you feel better about things..
Slug <3
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interestiung
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Nice choices will benefit from rhythmic polish.
I think you're building on solid ground, but perhaps you'll entertain some well-meant suggestions...?
stanza i.
I wonder if you need to be both "overreacting" and "overemotional"
Consider following the word "this" with a noun
stanza ii.
My favorite verse of the poem. The evocative imagery brings adolescence screaming back to the present.
Mightn't substituting "cons" for "converses" help the rhythm of the first line?
stanza iii.
"I tried never to slip up" seems an awkward cadence. Now, the point of the verse may, in fact, be awkwardness. If that's the case, the entire stanza should feature more unpredictable meter throughout.
I'm reminded of "riot steps" built on college campuses in the 1970s. They were intentionally constructed to interrupt a natural human climbing gait. Administrators hoped they would keep groups of protesters from being able to rush college buildings.
You might think of making this stanza similarly intentional in its pace.
stanzas iv & v.
Your choice of punctuation is powerful. Additionally, the subject matter seems to actually merit your choice of capitalization. A lot of [lazy] people seem to ignore the rules of capitalization, but few of their poems actually benefit as yours does.
Your author's note may be as poetic as the writing upon which it comments.
[By the way... one reason this poem is getting a great deal of attention, because it's at the top of a list of poems requesting critical feedback.] -
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Thank you for the comment...
It's one of the very few comments that i get that point out awkward parts.
stanza iii.
that one bothers me.
i'm trying to find the right words to fix it up,
but that's been hard lately.
I didn't know it was on a list of poems requesting critical feedback...
i greatly appreciate your comment!
thank you so much.
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I don't like this. I love it.
It is refreshing to read something
written from the heart AND gut, and
hey, it's okay to be in a bad mood -
who wants perfect all of the time?
That's boring.
WW -
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Thanks =]
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You may not have meant for this to be poetic but it was still amazing. Reading this i can tell that you emant the words you were writing down. Sometimes you used very simple situations which felt so real to me and I loved them.
"my converses were untied. i had to stare at the ground, trying not to trip over them. when i looked up i saw you. my words caught in my throat,
leaving me gasping for breath. you smiled, and i turned red."
That was my favorite part of your "not poem because it wasn't meant to be poetic". I admire the fact that you poured your heart out on this website for other people to read and experience. This was a great write.
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you so much for the comment! =]
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i feel like this alot ... ... somedays i dontbut most days i do ... ... g poem im glad i culd reate to it ... ...
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Thanks, i'm glad you could relate to this.
But I absolutely hate this poem.
It would make me happy if you would comment on one of my better pieces! ^w^
Thank you so much for the comment though!
`monica
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holy crap this is amazing i love it in fact those are the same words iv been trying to come up with to explain my emotions. this is wonderful i cant help but thank you for writing this wow
i think i'm overreacting. everything i say is so overemotional.
i keep questioning this. i don't know why though, because i'm afraid of the answers.
i'm afraid to know what you'd think of me if i told you about my real life.
this part scares me because i feel the same way
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you!
I don't understand why this poem is getting so much attention, and my other poems aren't.
I absolutely hate this poem.
I'm glad that you could relate to this though!
`monica
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I would argue it's very poetic
Poetry to me doesnt limit itself to words that rhyme or chalking something full of metaphors. You really depict the struggle in your life to come to grips with lost love and failure and the fact that you capture those feelings so vividly makes it poetic. Your words caused me to think of the times in my life when I was just frustrated at girls, life, and most often myself. Great thoughts here and be proud of your work.
. Rewarded 8
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^^ Thank you so much for the comment! I have to say that you're one of the first real commenters that I've had in a while! Thank you!
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emotional
Hello there!
Thanks for sharing this emotional poem with us.
I like the way you rant and rave and yet still behave normal.
Good for you!
Have an awesome day,
BJ.
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i can't help but wonder why you're giving double points for opinions that you've limited to praise, that doesn't make sense to me. i have this habit of critiquing, so i'll restrain myself on this one.
i think some phrases are so simple, but so perfect and understandable. i really like "i'm sick." i have used that a lot in the songs i write. i think it's just powerful. -
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I do it simply because they commented. It's stupid, I know.
Thank you for the comment though. This isn't one of my best writes. It's just a jumble of useless thoughts.
`monica
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nothin wrong with that, we all have those
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I really like this, it did sound poetic in some parts, and it's so real, it definitely came from the heart...
I especially liked iii. and iv. they were my favourites, I could relate to some of the feelings in those...
Great work, it's good, thanks for sharing
. Rewarded 6
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Thank you so much for all the kind comments!
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I really love this. It's so powerful and emotional. I just love the way that you described everything. I feel like I can really relate to this.
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Thank You! I don't reall like it though, it's just a bunch of mindless rambling. =\
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I liked this poem! It seemed like you truly expressed yourself. VERY NICE JOB!
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I really like the form of this. I can relate to the content as well. Other than the fact it seems a little conversationy (is that a word?)nice write!
. Rewarded 4
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lol. thanks. it is a little conversationy [i don't think that's a word but...] i made it that way. at the time it felt like the only way i could get my feelings out. =\ i sound cheesy.
thanks for the comment!
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...
maybe I shouldn't of read this.
I liked it.
But it made me cry. thank you...:\
"when i felt your heart beating, i knew i wasn't alone. but that feeling faded soon."
*goes to polay castlevania but realizes the guy looks like joey and cries more*
..I hate being depressed...
-jenn
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Thanks for the comment.
i'm crying myself.
i'm sorry i made you cry.
i'm sorry i'm like this.
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