My youngest child was gravely ill at six.
By far the worst of times that I have known.
There are no words to say, could ever fix,
The torture that within my heart had grown.
I had worked away for several days.
Before the mobile phone was always there,
Through the door I walked in dreadful daze,
When my eldest son made me aware.
In just a week he'll cease to be a child,
Cancer now a shadow in his past.
Like any teenage boy he's free and wild,
A state that I just hope will always last.
To science and the doctors that we knew,
For my boys life can I just say "Thank-you".
Author notes
If you want the gory details a rhabdomyosarcoma the size of a large grapefruit inside his pelvis by the right hip.
Been in remission for 11 years.
I guess it is option 4
A contest entry
- 166th Contest by Ashleigh London.
450 points, ended January 24, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please comment below. Spelling or rhyming or scanning corrections welcome.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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am so glad he is ok now. my daughter killed herself nite b4 last... so i guess u know the feeling
hugs,
georgie,
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So pleased all is well The poem was terrific and i won't comment on anything else as my thoughts are the same that have been commented on
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Truly a most inspirational Sonnet you have written.The rhyme and flow is exellent, and the story line within is one of courage and miracles
I really enjoyed your poem, thanks for sharing your amazing talent for poetry
Tony
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A true miracle. I don't know what I'd
do if one of my children were sick like
that. I'd hope I'd be strong. You sound
like a great dad.
WW (Leslie)
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Oh praise God. How wonderful that he has been in remission. This is a wonderful write. It blessed my spirit to read it.
Kelli
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A sweet affirmation of a father's love. I'm so glad your son is doing well. I love the third stanza the best!
I am enjoying your writing! - NANGALEEMA
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this is really sad and powerful. am glad he got better!!! Good expression of your feelings. I also like the rhyming...it seems really natural and not forced (I usually hate rhyming poetry, but this is really well done)
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Most of my poetry rhymes, although I hope it is rarely forced. If you like it unrhymed I have started to do more lately, look for Nirvana and there is a one about London.
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Wow! I leave for a little while and you come out with some amazing poems! This is full of hope, love, sadness and gratitude! Poor little guy! That must have been incredibly tough for you and your wife. I don't know how well I would take it if one of mine were so seriously sick like that at such a young age. Glad he's in remission! Wonderful write.
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Excellent...
...I came on here just to give you the 3 bananas promised and ended up reading this which in itself is worth the bananas.
A very moving tribute - with excellent rhynme and rhythm.
Regards,
Robin.
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Our children are our precious gift and with this poem you show us the depth of your pain and the part of life that never will be only a picture of smiles and laughter.
~Sonja~
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Amazing
i have soooo much respect for the love you have for your child sometimes i wish my parents were half as caring strong write i hope all is well much love, Kody -
a perfect sonnet and what better way to express such a love than for the love of your child.
just a few suggestions for your work
'There are no words to say* could ever fix,
1st verse 3rd line
where the star is either add a comma to break up the sentance that doesnt quite make sense or ruin the metter slightly which i dont recomend by placing that could ever fix
option 3 would be to say never instead of ever with the comma
'Before the mobile phone was always there,'
second verse 2nd line
comma after before to create a dramatic pause to represent the time you speak of 'before, the mobile phone was always there' that pause suggests that its no longer there or that your thinking of the momory as you say it. it makes the reader pause aswell as if in respect towards the person the poem is for.
'A state that I just hope will always last'
verse three line 4
in my opinion 'just' is not needed its too woprdy and kills the effect it could have and impact without it.
destroys the metter a little and the passion.
A beautiful poem very sentimantal and touching.
my thoughts are with you at this time. -
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Comma added after "there are no words to say". Should always has been there to replace the implied "that".
You are misreading "Before the mobile phone was always there" this was 11 years ago, before we all had mobile phones. The line is saying I did not know of the cancer until I got into the front door. I had one foot inside, when my eldest, then 13, said "Ray's got cancer", the first I knew.
Can't just delete a word from a 10 syllable line without destroying the meter. Also subtly would change the meaning, and if you get into the rhytmn of the rest I think you'll find it would not flow.
Thanks very much for a thoughtful review. Having just written it, I was feeling very emotional and that is not a good state for reviewing ones work. Your critique made it much easier for me to follow it through.
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WOW Jeff, this a powerful write, and you are gutsy for sharing such a personal aspect of your life. Total respect and admiration !
. Rewarded 4
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indeed a powerful sonnet.
Well penned full of heartfelt emotion.
A great expression of appreciation to those who
where tending to your child.
Passions
. Rewarded 4
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I thank you for this fresh write. I admire the fact that you entered it as a sonnet style, that's beautiful. This was really just so sad though. I am very sorry for the pain you and your son have gone though. Like the poem says no parent should have do endure such pain. Thank you for sharing... and good luck.
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I do not think I could have written it in my usual styles. I think this has worked rather well, but I am not really in any position to judge, can't see the wood for the trees.
I am pleased to say that the pain is now long gone I do not have a sad memorial as in your image. Just yet another almost 18 year old! It is a good feeling to be able to complain about him, could not do that when he was ill.
Thank you for the contest that provoked me to write this, I think maybe I needed to.
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Wonderful sonnet and filled with love and passion. The sadness is real and you penned that perfectly. I love the hope that is instilled and the ending couplet is perfect.
Love,
Amera♥
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Wow... This was very uplifting and tender. All I have to say is that you and your son are both very lucky. I wish you both the very best.
Blessings
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Ah....!
a gratifying write
it is rhyming and heart moving to know
thank you for sharing!
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