You were me.
Impossible as physically,
Yet on a level
Not even comprehensible.
Your heart beat mimicked,
Together, alone,
In unison.
That delicious oxygen you sucked in
Regulated my life,
Not yours.
So, is it that unfathomable,
Unbelievable,
That when you pacified yourself
Against me
While the bitter rain of flesh
Assaulted my dismembered carcass
That I fell apart completely,
Not from the primal persecution,
But rather the apathetic,
Disgustingly cocky smirk
Destroying your once scrupulous lips
Into that excruciating being
That flashed inconceivably ostentatiously.
And as you left my mauled psyche,
Vision stabbed,
Weakness exploding from my raped dignity
My sun imploded
Leaving me so benumbed in myself,
Isolated in my endless night,
Begging for an impossible dawn
Paralysis was existence,
The exploding star
Of my actuality
Crumpled into my
Tenerbrosity
Of an laughable entity
As you depleted my lungs
And stilled my life source
For the last time
Necessary.
Author notes
your prompt is "dying sun"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A contest entry
- Dying Sun by PersephoneInWinter.
600 points, ended February 18, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honesty is always appreciated
Comments
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i think that every thing is done very well besides the structure and flow. there were some parts when i was reading this that the sentence breaks made it a bit hard to read. thats all the negative that i have to say.
positive: i like the language, finally someone with sophisticated vocabulary! i only really get that on my favorites and some other poets.
i really like your interpretation of the prompt.
great write and good luck in my contest!
LXF
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Thanks for the comment and I'm glad you at least partially enjoyed it. I actually did the sentence breaks on purpose, as if it came in thought fragments of a broken person. I do need to work on my structure though, so thanks for actually leaving constructive criticism.
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Lots of good harsh words in this one. Just looking at the physical nature of the words, as one reads them aloud you can almost feel your own breath leaving. This poem could be interpreted multiple ways, but all I will say is that it's an excellent poem. Good luck in the contest
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