He said she was a fairytale -
aspirations of ever-after clouding reality.
She built sandcastles in the rain;
her dreams eroded by faithless years
spent alone - no room left to believe.
He said he knew her - in essence.
Whole and unbroken, but still afraid.
Once upon a dream there was faith.
Memory lingering, like that of long lost friends,
seen in the faces of strangers passing by.
And there was hope also. Hope, now drowned
by the desperate need to believe
in something more than fairytales...
A contest entry
- I want to believe by Danna Hobart.
375 points, ended March 2, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - (= Prewrites!!!!! ENTER NOW!!!!!!!!! =) by xCandieKissesx.
525 points, ended May 19, 83 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Suitable-for-Publishing Poetry Contest. Prewrites welcome. by Expat4Cebu.
500 points, ended May 30, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - All About You by pattyann4500.
800 points, ended June 12, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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This is a lovely poem, but I'm not sure if it's about you. Are you the one whose dreams were dashed by the desperate need for more than fairytales?
I like the way you wrote this, the simple and beautiful way of sharing yourself. Thank you. Patricia
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I love it! You did a great job with this! The title is what drew me in. And I wasn't disappointed when I started to read. Awesome! Keep it up! This was too good
So beautiful! Very impressive
The One and Only...
~Lynn Jones
. Rewarded 4
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This is a great piece! I really loved the imagery in this, I could see everything happening really well. Even without a lot of descriptive words, the scenarios that you have in the poem come through really well. It has a sense of "he said, she said" to it, but not quite, more just the "he said" in this, but that worked well. I like how you used the first line for the title, not only is it a good way to make sure that the title reflects the poem, but it is an intriguing line/title as well. Overall, this is a great poem so keep writing and good luck in the contest!
. Rewarded 8
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I love this poem! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT
I love the theme and the way you express it
I am starting a contest and hope that you will enter a new poem
Keep writing! and comment me
Thanks!!
-midgetbridgey -
Wow ! That was seriously thought-provoking and just full of beautifully worded metephore.
I love the title which made me click to read....and the end is just as good as the beginning....this definately deserves shiny trophies...so good luck in the contest. :D
. Rewarded 6
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Nice slice of life
This captures a very common experience and does so very well. Poetry can be found, even in the mundane.
Nice write.
. Rewarded 4
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This is good. I really like the line: "She built sandcastles in the rain"
Very thought-provoking line. good write. -
Wow Amazing. good use of words.
Ashley -
There is a lot to like about this poem. It is heartfelt. It tells a story that tells us so much more than the beginning. The ending is perfect.
I especially like the line ""Memory lingering, like that of long lost friends, seen in the faces of strangers passing by." (It got me to read it!)
I did see something that I would change were it mine. "Built sandcastles" is a trite phrase, and whereas it undoubtedly says what you want it to, I would still find another way to say it. BUT I do like the "in the rain" part. That shows the futility of the building (dreaming.) I don't know what to tell you to do in order to show that!
All in all I think this is a fine poem.
~ Joyce
. Rewarded 8
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Makes me want to believe again...but I can't...great imagery though...thanks for the read
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There is beauty in this write as well as longing. The imagery was astounding. Especially this line -
She built sandcastles in the rain;
The image of sand castle walls crumbling appears in my mind.
I didn't want to just say I love this but that is the truth. I think you did a beautiful job.
. Rewarded 6
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I like how this comes full circle and shows an epiphany as well. Thanks for entering my contest.
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Wow, well I definitely believe your poem, the feeling is just so... tangible. I love this. So very, very sad, but beautiful.
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