Her body changing
That has conceived
A miracle of life
Related to me
A baby to nurture and hold
God's gift to her
Before she gets too old
Feeling him move inside her
She glows as he grows
And they know
This world will never be the same
We shower her with gifts and cake
Time goes by as each of us
Anxiously await
The moment Mickie's eyes
Will finally be awake
Author notes
For my brother Ben and his beautiful wife Michelle as we prepare to welcome Mickie Dean Patrick Whitaker into this world.
A contest entry
- Welcome to the world! by Crimson Viper.
600 points, ended May 22, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Daily Contest Ode Form... by creationsfromheart.
400 points, ended April 16, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write me a poem for a baby! by Crimson Viper.
600 points, ended August 27, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
I've already read this peice and commented, but I'll comment again. Nice work. Keep it up!
-
Well he is here. And he is treasured obviously by you, but even more so by the Lord......Hope. Continue.
-
the images and feelings are expressed simply and easily in this poem, and my only peeve is the unorganized rhyming and syllabic patterns that sort of inhibits the flow and make it a little difficult to read. i feel like what may have happened is that your flow of thought and desire to rhyme sort of battled it out as you tried to illustrate your feelings. i think this is a wonderful start, it just needs some flow, whether you stick with rhyming or get rid of it all together and just go for a syllable pattern, or something that ties the grammatics together so the readers don't feel like they are reaching road blocks here and there.
-
-
I understand what you mean. I feel like some of my poems would flow really well if I could read them out loud to someone, if you know what I mean. It sounds different inside my head than to the reader. I really like rhyme and it's hard for me not to apply it even when it doesn't flow as well. It's something I'm gonna work on, though!
Thanks for your comment and the positive, constructive criticism!
-
-
this is pretty good. I like how you wrote this. Keep up your great work... best of luck in both contests.
CrimsonViper -
The word "awwwwwwww" and "cute" immediately came to mind as I read this. It just melts you and I feel you captured the emotions quite well even though I'm not old enough to relate.
This could use some spectacular imagery and other poetic device... but since it melts the reader when they read it I wouldn't change a thing.
Thanks for the entry!
Ryan -
This is very sweet and I know the parents to be will appreciate it. (If you haven't shown them yet, you should). This isn't the right contest for this poem though. I'm going to remove it, but encourage you to place it in another contest.
-
Very sweet. This child will be a godsend.
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
