the scent of spearmint was growing on your breath like a cancer, melting the snowflakes that were falling around us, collecting on your coat.
i reached over, brushing water from your face.
you smiled and told me to stop. i pulled away, looking at the ground, trying to find the words and metaphors that wanted to spill from my throat.
then we started walking.
slush covered the ground. the bottoms of my jeans were soaked.
Author notes
i paced across my room,
waiting for the call that i knew would never come.
but i waited anyways,
hoping that god heard my pleas for once.
In a list
A contest entry
- describe to me your land of milk and honey by deep space.
300 points, ended March 13, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i can still see my breath.
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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This is sweet. Again, I love your real style and the touch of the soaked jeans- never would have thought of that
. I could never carry off this kind of line length.
Love
Slug x
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the scent of spearmint was growing on your breath like a cancer,
What an amazingly startling opening! It's hard to write good similes, but this one certainly shows that you are a poet of substance.
I think the poem works very well up until this line:
the bottoms of my jeans were soaked
After that the poem collapses a little. What you have written in the final 3 sentences still works (and that's quite remarkable) but i feel the piece could be better if it ended at the jeans line, or was revised with a new ending.
But this is just a minor nit-pick. You work is extraordinary in its clarity and in the way that it has evocative emotional impact and metaphoric resonance.
Yours in poetry,
myron. -
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hum.
you're right.
i edited it and ended it at the jeans part.
i wasn't quite fond of the ending myself, i just left it though. i couldn't think of anything else.
once again,
i appriciate your comments!
they make me quite happy. C:
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The opening and ending were most impactful. Also love the soaked jeans bit. But overall, this is very nice. I like it more than "if", in fact.
It feels more natural and flows better, though I loved that one too.
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aw. thanks for the comment.
i do like this better than 'if' to.
maybe it's just because this is describing something important.
i don't know.
thank you for the comment!
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melting the snowflakes that were falling around us, collecting on your coat.
Imagery = beautiful.
This is an amazing piece, so full of emotion.
Allthough it is heartbreaking to read.
Perfect moments always seem to run away from us :
i wanted to capture that moment. it was everything and it was nothing.
and I love the last sentence. I know how that feels.
Arc-En-Ciel--x
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Thank you so much!
^^
`monica
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I really am taken with the images and metaphors you have written.
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Thank you! So much!
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wow
this is really, sweet!!! -
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thanks. but it's not supposed to be sweet. it has a darker side to it.
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A very emotional poem here,I did enjoy this,it is an unusual poem but it says a lot,.
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thank you.
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loved it.
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sorry. if i was myself I'd put some clever remark, some upbeat crap that's almost ebullien. but I can come up with any words.
-jenn
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-dies-
stop with the big words.
come on...
`monica
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Lovely visuals yet that poignant shadow of disappointment. It is those all and nothing moments that create such vivid memories.
'I wanted to capture that moment. It was everything and it was nothing.'
. Rewarded 4
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thank you for the comment!
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so much said, beautiful, I loved it
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^w^ Thank you!
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Wow this was wonderful and it takes a normal circumstance and puts so much meaning behind it great job!
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ths was well written good prose/trenchant emotional the climactic/natural conditions [i.e. snow - slush - scent] mirror your dialogue thanks for sharing regards zaj
. Rewarded 4
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it is such a simple and short prose, yet it portrays so much!
i have missed your work for a while there
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i know. i couldn't write for so long.
i don't think i can write for a while now.
i'm scared to death.
`monica
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A wonderful write. Your author notes seem to be part of the poem. I enjoyed the read very much. Good job.
Kelli -
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thank you so much!
`monica
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