Never Ending Poem

I am sitting in the van waiting
I am but I don't know for what I am aniticipating
I wish I could write a beautiful song
I wish I had socks that were long
I am down to only one pack of american Newports
I can only buy kings online not shorts
I think I am in need of a new routine
Or I need to find something else to clean
I do enjoy puzzles and fixing things that are broken
I have a hard time dealing with words that are unspoken
My left hand itches and it should be my right
Because how can I loose or spend something if I have not started the fight
This is the second nice day since I have been in this place
Well maybe the third if you count it snowing on my face!
Looking out of this window into a new way of life
I feel like I am ready and wanting to be a wife
Or its just my maturnal instincts kicking into overdrive
But how could I be a mother when sometimes I dont feel alive
Or maybe I feel dead sometimes because I am not a mother
Maybe I am just tired of being someones lover
For some reason I can't put down the knife
And let go of all that has caused me strife
On the road again with my future by my side
No way and  no where to continue to hide
Well sometimes I guess I can hide with in myself
But even I know that it is bad for my health
Ahh blah blah blah, yada yada, invisible, need , emotion
Words off the top of my head, I just spent ten dollars on a bottle of lotion
If you cant see or understand now then you never will
The way my thoughts spin around like a wind mill
Chocolate covered raisons, and sour gummies, butter and salt smell in the air
Reminds me the movie theater, late night, being young without a care
Boring thoughts jotted down uncontrolably, what do they mean
Do they even have a meaning, is it pure or obsene

I am sitting at the computer alone
Right next to the phone
My neck kinda hurts and so does my heart
I miss my cat it's been a while since we have been apart
I am getting sick from the yelling every day
I am getting sick of being me in every way
Only because I have to hide behind a mask that covers my past
I am so sick of hiding and covering up and in the end it does not last