I Promise

Spinning out on circles of my own
creation.Try again to change location
But still I remain trapped by
impossible expectation.

Today I acknowledge
the pain of the little girl
who didn't feel love.
Emotional needs neglected by two
lost in chaos of drama and denial.
I'm breaking the circle,
stepping out of the dance.

The dance that brings craving,
the buzz of passion,
addictive highs, created by
impossible relationships,
allowing escape
into depths of obsession.

When I'm obssessed
I can escape reality,
escape feeling.
Feelings I've forgotten
how to recognise or trust.
Feelings of fear, pain,
self-preservation.
Feelings to deny and hide.

I hide my fragile emotion
choose people of equality to love.
Damaged, critical, angry, self-destructive.
Like me living
their own  kind of hell.
I choose them because
I'm comfortable,
where I belong,

It's what I deserve.


Well, that's what the voice in my head say's.
"Who do you think you are? You piece of shit".

Who do you think you are?
I've tried being angelic and good.
projecting a false image of me,
a me that isn't real
so I'm more lovable.
I'm going to stop that now.
Today I'm accepting me as me
not perfect admittedly
'fucked up' but real
not a fantasy.

I promise reality not fantasy.
From now on I love me with all my heart.
I approve of me,
I'll look after me very carefully
cherish respect and honor me.
The hole can't be filled with drugs
alcohol and false love.
If I can just accept I'm worthy.

I know I'm worthy but still
false love and doubt creep in
like smoke rings curling,
circling my head.
Fear, boredom, dull existence.

A dull existence all alone, I reminisce
I fear the unknown but I've got to do this.
It's the ritual and living on the edge I miss
But I miss my life more, and more than anything
I want to just live.