The Way To "Happiness"

Life with all of it's unexpected twists and turns has a way of showing itself beautiful.

This is nothing more than me explaining to you that even the most bleak of situations are glorious and breathtaking.

I hurt. On the surface and deep within. I'm haunted. Most of you know I lost my child and it torments me. I have spent countless days and nights wishing I had never had him, or, since I did, that I could have been the kind of mother that could be neglectful and uncaring. It would have spared my heart and spirit a lot of agony. But, how selfish.

I've spent nearly a year asleep. It wasn't my fault, but I don't blame him- he did me a favor. He helped me see that if you love and hope- that the price for these emotions- which is pain and despair, is worth paying. Even in darkness there is hope and there is nothing we can do about it.

I'm the first to tell anyone I am not happy. Not the kind of happy that sheep know. Yet still, things make me "happy". Typical cliche things. (How cliche cliche has become.) such as:
1)sitting in the middle of flowers to smell their sweetness (though this is best done when in the rain because the rain beats the smell out of them.)
2)pouring salt on snails
3)setting fire to sticks and/or paper just to watch the flames and smell the scent. (No, I'm not a pyromaniac.)
4)pretending I'm an elf or fairy
5)sticking pins in spiders
6)the wind

Anyway, the list could go on but I don't feel like it. My point is all you have to do is be happy. The price is high for it but well worth it. If being miserable makes you happy- be miserable. I found my peace in that. Because of my life, I am miserable. Because I love my son, I am miserable- but how happy I am to love him and because I love him I am full of hope and misery and pain and love. Are you understanding the cycle of this yet? In any case, don't fret being the emotional disaster that you are. Embrace it and find comfort there.

Comfort in yourself- with yourself is really true happiness.

I love you, Landon. I love you, my very few and choice friends. Everyone else is cuntish sheep, followers of society and can bite me.