There is something not of my want dwelling inside of me. I am more convinced each day that it is a demon. It is there and I cannot get rid of it. It is haunting me; unrelenting and unforgiving. Tormenting and mocking. It drives me to stand before a mirror in the middle of the night and look it in the eyes to tell me the only way to be rid of it is to be rid of myself. Have you ever spent hours pacing only the bathroom floor having a conversation with God, the Monster and yourself? Picking up scissors and thinking how quickly it would all be over with, with just two snips of the veins in your wrists? All while God says "No.", the Monster screams "Yes!" and you cry "I don't know!"?
I shake and tremble and at times, I twitch. The Monster constantly speaks to me things I don't want to hear and shows me things I don't want to see and tempts me to react. I try to pray to this God to take it away from me. I tell Him how the cross He has given me to carry is too heavy and that I am losing the battle within between Him, the Monster and myself only to have it become heavier and more burdensome. I'm crawling now. I'm out of breath and thirsty for relief. My heart is giving out and no one sees this. It's always the same answer... "It's all going to be alright." I'm screaming as loud as I can, "NO! IT ISN'T! I'M DYING!" I understand that no one understands and that they see it as a temporary setback or breakdown that time will heal. I know different. I feel it in the core of my soul. Whatever this is inside of me is killing me in a real, physical sense... what do I do about it? I'm not certain, yet.
"Keep the beast inside
Shackled within my hide
Screaming out too late
Losing to my hate" ~Opeth -The Leper Affinity
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Love is around. It needn't be posessive, it needn't be sexual...in fact, it's way better when it's neither. It's there, though...and it's here. Bask in it; the Monster can't abide its presence, you know.
Here's a little more, for good measure.
I hate that you feel what this page says...but I'll give you three little yellow clapping dudes for making me feel it with you so deeply.
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Aw. I was just adding another when I saw this. Thank you for what you've said. It means more than you know. Or maybe you do know and that's how you knew what to say. You are a remarkable person and I look up to you. I hope that you know that. Time passes and what's left at the end of it is memories of things we should have said and done... and all things we took for granted. I don't want that for me, so I'll tell you now, I thank you for all of your support as a father figure and as a friend. I thank you for your love and concern and I hope you know I appreciate and love you.
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"Time passes and what's left at the end of it is memories of things we should have said and done"
There's a fair cure for that; I look around for chances to say and do exactly those things. (leaves me less regrets at the end of the day.)
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And I've learned that cure recently and I'm working on those people skills. Those. Damn. People skills. 
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Ahhh...people ain't a skill. People are easy; you smile, not always because you feel like smiling but because it makes 'em feel better. Lotsa times, they smile back.
Then you feel better and smile because you feel like smiling.
You make me smile a lot. Now-n-then, I read something you've written and I get a little misty, but knowing you're still there, and still love me...that makes me smile.
A lot.
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This is like reading a novel that is covered in blood...you want to put it away or at least wash it off, but something tells you no. This is purely deep and mysterious, yet full of emotion and "close your eyes need" I throughly enjoyed this piece.
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Well thanks. I just gave up trying to write poetry because I really suck at it and started writing about my life. It sucks too but at least it doesn't have that cheesy poetry feel to it.
Thanks. You're very kind. -
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This is poetry,
poetry isn't about form or rhyming, not even about flow. Its pure emotion, dont give up on being a poet when right here is perfect evidence that you're brilliantly talented. Im not just being sweet here, ask any one with a open mind and they'll agree. -
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Thanks. I don't know. I just decided I was going to keep a journal. I get it out best when I write it in journal form than I do in poetry form. I don't feel like I have to mind the rules of poetry when I just write it out.
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Then keep at it love, I think its amazing.
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