What have we become? (Spoken Word)

I remember
when I was young and I was in love with you.

Maybe it was me who changed.
Maybe it was both of us.

All I know is that when I hurt myself
I was trying to hurt you.

I still lie to placate my ambition.
You're still paranoid.
We are both still a dream defered.
Till the wind whispers our names again.

I remember
when I was young and in love with you.
It wasn't so long ago.

Our conversations would turn to screams.
Echoing through our apartment that had turned into a
prison.

The smallest of disagreements would be enough to unleash
four
hours
of fury.
Then as if it were magic all the
pain, anger, and tears could be rectified by saying
I'm sorry.

Sex does not say I am sorry ether.
Only real conversation does.

When I hurt myself
I was trying to hurt you.

Cramped. huddled in a corner, trying to ignore
you.

I couldn't drown out your voice.
I thought when I got married it would be for
love.

That when we cared.
It would be for each other.
That when we shivered.
It would be in the cold together.

So when you believed.
I believed.
So when you loved.
I loved.
When you bled.
I bled.

But when you spoke.
I didn't listen.
When you screamed.
I didn't pay attention.

When you would call the cops.
I would just leave and think to myself
what
have
we
become?

What have we become?
Were we ever happy?

Or did quiet interludes between fights
only serve to perpetuate the illusion of being
happy?

Only god know. I'm not sure if I ever really did.
I thought if I gain acceptable from your family it
would lesson the onslaught of insults.

I was wrong.

Causing each other became a game.
Both of us were keeping score.

Your mother warned me saying "Ya know she's crazy right?"
I smiled foolishly. Content in my believe that I knew this
beautiful creature better than her own mother.

I was wrong.

After we would fight I would forgive her.
Take her back into my arms and
pretend.

That the broken furniture didnt matter.
That the cops at the door would go away.
That the bills would pay themselves.
That I had to work and she didn't.
That giving up my dog didn't hurt as much as it did.
That I could still practice and not pay attention if he tells me I will amount to
nothing.

It is easy to delude yourself when you are living in a fantasy.
It really is.

You feel bound.
Tied together by bonds that keep you in this unhealthy
cycle.

You start to dream of killing her and smiling silently to yourself.
Such thoughts are entertaining
for a moment.
Before reality crashes back around you and you find yourself leaving
your bed
once again
at two in the morning to buy taco bell because
she couldn't be bothered to cook.
Now where the hell are you going to come up with that extra twenty dollars
to pay for the past due cable bill?

These are all things people need to consider
before they get married.

I wish I did.

I thought we would grow old together.
That what other people thought didn't matter.

Because when she smiled.
I wanted to give her the world.

When she breathed
I wanted to make the air just for her.

When she laughed.
I thought the sound was captured in the sun.

So when you loved.
I loved
When you bled.
I bled.
When we screamed.
We didnt pay attention
WHen we would hit each other I would
cry
and think to myself
What
have
we
become?

What
have
we
become?

Were we ever
happy?