I wait hours for you
under a streetlamp—
a sad comic doing standup
for pigeons and winos.
You sashay past,
new lover on your arm,
tossing your head back in
that way you know I hate,
your pearly, predatory teeth,
the lilting laugh before
the venomous strike.
Muted by your gaze,
snow piles my overcoat
as the burning coals that
I had intended to hurl at you
sear my palms.
Author notes
BellaD
A contest entry
- looking for new favorites by lively banter.
845 points, ended August 14, 36 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Title suggestions?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Oooh, this is fantastic. You’ve got just enough description and metaphors in each stanza but never too much. You found the perfect balance. I enjoy the word economy and the active words, like sashay, that was beautiful. And you end in on a very fierce tone. The metaphor about the coals searing you instead is ingenious and says so much. I’d suggest omitting the word ‘glittering.’ It’s a little redundant and plus that stanza has a little too many –ing words right next to each other that hinder the flow a little. I also would suggest a little more work on the line breaks in that middle paragraph. Just the odd negative space at the right of the stanza bugs me haha, especially compared to the presentation of the other two stanzas. I’d love to see that space closed up. This was excellent, I loved it.
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Thank you, chaotic peace
I appreciate your very detailed comments and your suggestions. I have done some editing to this based on your comments.
Thank you for the contest and your kind comments on my work.
BellaD
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It reads and looks even better now!
-Kevin
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This poem had a lot of emotion piled in to it and yet it was very well expressed. I loved the way i could really imagine this scene unfolding and could feel the pain. You did a great job painting a picture at the start and i like they way that it started off on a fairly light tone. Then I thought the last stanza was a wonderful contrast and it was so full of heart ache that is made mine hurt a little. This is a wonderful piece, congratulations.
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Oh I can see this a kind of if looks could kill poem.
Your imagery here is so good. One could see this so easily.
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Interesting write! It sounds from your poem that you intended all along to hurl those coals...and yet are unable to. Very strong imagery!
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Delightful introductory stanza, establishing mood, setting, and sardonic humor.
Very nice use of "sashay" and enjoyable alliteration in "lilting laugh."
Possibly "snow piles on my overcoat"?
Nice description of the immobility and tongue-tied-ness that so often result when one meets again an "ex"; particularly if one feels he (or she) has been led to believe there was return of heartfelt feelings, only to learn one has only been today's luncheon entertainment. Dark and painful...the coals were plainly intended to return hurt for hurt received.
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agh!!... painful and emotion filled....
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