Scrapping along for the feel of the stone,
A wall in her mind with it's limits and bounds.
She listens to silence, so quiet, alone,
A life with no wonders of colours or sounds.
Darkness around her is all that she sees,
And darkness again in a deafness of ears.
She feels for the surface, and feels for the breeze,
Blinded by nature, but not by her fears.
She's young, not a woman, a girl as it seems,
Walking her fingers from stone across stone,
On the wall of her nightmares, her life and her dreams,
On the wall that contains every day she has known.
Alone in the garden, she knows by the feel
Every plant, every leaf, every twig, every blade,
Each crack in the mortar and all they reveal,
As she walks in her prison, her feet unafraid.
She knows by the scent of the air that it’s dawn
And she feels for the warmth of the light as it falls.
She's brave in her silence, alone and forlorn,
For nothing she knows of a world beyond walls.
A contest entry
- Rhyme and Flow part 6 The Wall - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended August 1, 34 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of YOUR Best (PW are now allowed) by Shannanagan.
300 points, ended July 23, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments welcome
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I saw the title to your poem and I can tell you that I really relate to this, being as I am currently incarcerated in a home for mental people (despite that I am sane) and medicated to my eyeballs to keep me calm and unable to strive for escape. This particular poem was very fine and the last line sums up my predicament perfectly. With your permission I intend to copy this poem onto the walls of my cell as a statement against the system. They don't allow me writing material hence I will have to use my own feces, no offence intended though.
. Rewarded 8
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strong impact
being blind and deaf
that's just so sad
it makes being confined not seem so bad
i live for music and art so...
i feel truly blessed.
this is a really good
'put yourself in their shoes'
kind of perspective poem.
. Rewarded 4
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- i didn't appreciate the opening portion of the second stanza
"Darkness around her is all that she sees,
And darkness again in a deafness of ears."
it seemed almost forced despite it's flowing potential.
the simple line ending the third stanza made this poem, "On the wall that contains every day she has known"
and the opening of the fourth, was also a strong idea, the omnipresent familiarity of eveything, down to the bones of her very exsistence.
. Rewarded 8
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definately a beautiful poem that speaks volumes of the feelings of the recipient of this world. Being deaf and blind seems so hard to those who see and hear, but those born with it know no other. Your poem depicts the very essence of the soul of a person who lives by their senses. They are much more attuned to the world around them and in some ways, are much closer to nature. You did an excellent job putting into words all the things that she goes through, how she gets through her days and using the brick wall as her basic stoppoint, was well done. The flow of this piece was just brilliant. The rhythm, perfect, and the ease of the read was wonderful. What can i say but congratulations.
. Rewarded 8
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This poem flowed amazingly! You really did a good job at capturing oneself as trapped or confined to some sort of walls, whether they be societys walls or any other form of wall. Outstanding write!
. Rewarded 4
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Amazing, outstanding and wonderful write.
Wow.
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Outstanding! Great imagery and depth of feeling! Congratulations on the gold!
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Another shiny trophy to add to this amazing write-top marks!
Hilly
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Brilliant so powerful and yet sad .
The thought of not being able to hear or see is so frightning yet evn if you have sight and can hear some are deaf and blinded by fear .
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Although Jeff has done his bit, I would like to add my congratulations on winning the silver in the contest with another excellent poem.
Sue
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omg... thispoem has amazing imagery in it, and i love the rhyme scheme. it's E-mazing ^^ kudos to you ^^
. Rewarded 4
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Interesting!
A poem which raises as many questions as it provides answers. Where is this prison? Who runs it and why is a blind girl of all people an inmate there?! It's a very interesting concept that you have and executed flawlessly. Congrats on today's silver and your previous well deserved gold.
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Stunning poetry, evocative and heartfelt, picture painted perfectly.rhyme and meter as perfect as we would expect.
Great stuff and please keep the entries coming in the later rounds.
Thanks a lot
Jeff and Sue
. Rewarded 4
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Very nice write, I have to say it was the title that caught me first, because what I saw was "Caged" by oneangrymonkey - lolz
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oh wow!!!! i really loved that!!! ive been there so i know how it feels, and this poem really touched me. and im still struggling with it too. i loved this poem!!! good job!!! keep it up!!!
. Rewarded 4
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Great imagery and word choices. Your rhyme didn't feel forced at all. I like the comparisons you make with physical and nature. Pen on my fellow poet...~Poo~
. Rewarded 4
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nice write, loved the imagery, thanks for entering
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I love the imagery you use in the poem. I was really able to paint a picture in my mind, and that's something I feel not many writers can accomplish as well as you have. Even though it's a truly sad poem, it's very inspirational as even though this child cannot see or hear, she's not bound by that fear. And the rhyming is beautiful and seems effortless. Definitely a new favorite poem of mine! Thanks for sharing and good luck with it in the contest!
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Wow!
Powerful imagery here! Not sure of the exact prompt, but you seem to capture the objectuve well in rhyme and flow. Best of luck in the contest, and keep on penning!
. Rewarded 4
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Very good!
Wow! That is so good! The descriptive phrases are good, nicely effective. I like the way you relate her physical disability to a prison. Disability can be just as much a prison as brick and stone, yet she doesn't seem defeated by it.
. Rewarded 4
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Amazing poem it really drew me in i especially liked the third stanza
"The girl, not a woman, of only thirteen,
Walks with her fingers from stone across stone,
The wall of her nightmares, her life and her dreams
The wall that contains all the things ever known."
It's brilliant and a great piece of work good luck in the contest. -
a great image of the girl is portrayed..yet time is going to reveal the next chapters of the girl..all the best..
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