You were everything but what you were supposed to be
A friend but not a father
Because if you were really my father you wouldn't have gone away for years
Leaving me to take care of my little sister
Leaving me with no definite home
You see, mother was never around
She was too busy working nights and having an affair with a woman behind your back
Where did that leave me?
I always asked myself what I did wrong
Why did I as a child have to raise my own sibling?
You made me believe that I had been a bad girl
When my sister had made a mess
Or when mom would scream at you
It's not as if I made her tell you she hated you
Did you ever realize that you were the only parent that spoke a word to me?
Even though you were always so harsh,
I couldn't wait for you to be home again
To tell me stories about the Iraqi desert and show me again how big those camel spiders were
Believe me, I knew even then that your heart has always belonged to that place
I knew you loved serving in the war much more than you could've ever loved us
I understood
But it hurt so badly
You know, I never got bored of that camel spider story
Even though you'd tell it all the time when you were back
I'd laugh about the time you fell off a ski lift and rolled half way down a mountain
I'd tell you how lucky you were to be blown off a building and stand back up with hardly a scratch
I tried so hard to connect with you
To make you see that even if you didn't love me as much as I loved you,
You could stay
I just needed you for a little while longer
But foolishly, I watched you board that plane time and again
I let you break my heart every three months
And rejoice when you'd be back again for four weeks
Ten years of fighting in a pointless war had softened you
You no longer screamed and punished me for things beyond my own control
But maybe it was just because I was almost an adult in body
As you had forced me to be in mind when I was a child
I seriously thought you were coming around
That maybe you wanted to be the father you were supposed to be
It was my mistake to believe such a thing
Because even to this day, you want to go back over to escape your problems
You say it's because of money
But I think it's because you want to live in a fantasy world
I guess putting yourself in danger every day of your life is a small price to pay
If you want to pretend you don't have children who need you
It's alright though,
I took the sting out by pretending too
I like to pretend sometimes that I don't have a father
He ran out on us when I was five and left me to care for my sister and my mother,
Since they were obviously not able to care for themselves
My sister was too young and my mother was trying to come to terms with her sexuality
If I had a father, he would have surely stepped in and taken care of our family
Instead of leaving me to do it like you did
Still,
No matter how much I pretend,
No matter how much I don't want to,
I love you very much
But when you step on that plane to go live the life you picked for yourself
You're gonna have to see yourself off
I won't let you break my heart anymore
Author notes
For daddy dearest.
A contest entry
- A LIFE INTERRUPTED...HAS YOURS BEEN? TELL ME ABOUT IT... by sassylilpoet.
1500 points, ended August 3, 8 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please leave a comment, yo.
Comments
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First let me say that I absolutely love your title, Camel Spiders, it grabs the readers attention with its uniqueness and makes them wonder what's inside. What I found inside, sadly, is a story most common in todays society, where children play the roles as the parent and the parents run around as immature and irresponsible children. It sounds as if you've had alot of responsibilities unfairly imposed upon you and alot of your childhood stolen by selfish parents. I admire the depth of understanding, as well as the strength that you portray in this write. If you haven't already, I strongly suggest that you print this write and give it to both of your parents, perhaps it will help them to mature as well as you have. You have endured what no child should have to,
but in doing so, you'll find that it has given you wisdom and strength to face and conquer future challenges as you grow into adulthood. Thank you for this heartfelt entry, and never stop writing, it is therapy for the soul
Blessings,
Sassy
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Aww. Liz this really made me want to cry because I know how your Dad is. I didn't realize that you felt so strongly about it, and that he'd blame you like that whenever you were still a child, I don't see why he blames you for things that are beyond your control. He should've stepped in and been a father, but I know that by him not doing that, that you've become stronger because of it, and more independent, and a fighter for what you believe in. In a way it reminds me of my Dad, except he was never around to blame me, it's sort of like he never existed truthfully. I know that is must've been hard with your Mum dealing with her sexuality and trying to find herself out, I can't say that's what my own Mum struggled with when my Dad left, but she did turn to alcohol and drugs, thankfully she's not like that now, although she does still drink sometimes and make a fool of herself. I know that my favorite part of the poem was:
"I tried so hard to connect with you
To make you see that even if you didn't love me as much as I loved you,
You could stay
I just needed you for a little while longer"
The first line of that really reminds me of how I tried to react with my Dad's new family, and him too whenever I finally got to see him.
... But anyways... This is really long.
It's an amazingly beautiful and heartbreakingly sad write. But I really like it, it's easy to relate to.
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utterly speechless
this was so beautiful, so amazing and so powerful, it left me without words. i know a little about how you feel as my son is in Iraq as i write this and i hate it, but it is something he has chosen to do. i have to hold my head up and be strong and i will be waiting when he steps off that plane until the next time. great job!!
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