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The Harsh Beauty of Pain

How very strange it is to think
That something that displeases
Could somehow help us change and grow
As gradually it eases.

I think pain shows us who we are
With unforgiving candor.
Like strictest teachers’ callous jibes
It makes our flaws seem grander.

Recovering from rape is like
Rediscovering weakness.
I found myself defenseless
And drowning in fear’s bleakness.

I blamed myself for past mistakes
And suffered constant guilt.
I was forced to face reality
Behind the walls I’d built.

It’s hard to take, and some long nights
Seemed impossible to bear.
I started to think I’d never lose
That feeling of despair.

Nightmares came to haunt me
With memories I’ll never escape.
I shifted the blame to life itself
And hated God for the rape.

But gradually I’m changing.
I start to take control.
Taking one moment at a time
I’m finally becoming whole.

I’ve learned that I can’t blame myself
For things that weren’t my fault.
I’m learning not to hate myself
For how I dealt with the assault.

I know to look for healing
In support from a close friend
Or in music, art, and poetry
Upon which I now depend.
Yes, I still have flashbacks
And I can’t deny my fears
But the hardest nights get shorter
And I find hope beneath my tears.

It’s still something so awful
That no one deserves to endure
But somehow getting through it
Reminds me I’m still pure.

Author notes

For Trent plus pen's contest: "Transatlanticism"

"Sometimes you have to pick yourself up off the floor and remember how to walk again."

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • TwilightAngel026
    August 11

    Edit | Reply
    A strong, and emotional write. It was rather hard for me to read this, since I have been there. Thank you for having the courage to write this, and keep up the great work.

    • after-silence
      August 11
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. I'm really sorry that you can relate and I'm glad you perceive it as strong. Sometimes it's still really hard to take this kind of perspective. Thanks for the comment and for hosting the contest. I hope this fit with the prompt ok.. I wasn't sure.

  • PrabhuDayal Khattar gold member
    August 4

    Edit | Reply
    Humm..very much pure and very much in light you are ...well done..I love its message...and my thanks for sharing it with me...

    • after-silence
      August 4
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the comment and for hosting the contest. I sort of hesitated when I was entering this because I wasn't sure if it's what you wanted for the prompt, but I figured that in a way it fit. Thanks!

  • sassylilpoet gold member
    August 2

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for sharing this uplifting, hope filled write. You have taken a terrible tragedy, faced it head on, as, it is what it is, and can not be changed.
    The hardest part of dealing with rape, I think, is the feelings of guilt that come with it. All of the "what ifs" that constantly fill your mind with doubt, and you convince yourself that if you had only done something differently it wouldn't have happened. It sounds as if you've faced the worst and have found that you are still worthy, still pure and most importantly a "Survivor"! Writing and talking helps the healing process, though it's not always easy, you have penned this beautifully. Nice job on the rhythm and rhyme.

    Blessings and Luck
    Sassy


    • after-silence
      August 4
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. I agree; the guilt is definitely the hardest problem I've had to deal with. Blaming myself, feeling like it could have been avoided, or worse, feeling I deserved it: all of these are more painful than I would sometimes like to admit. Fortunately I think that recently I've been getting a grip on most of these unfounded feelings. Thank you very much for the kind words and for hosting the contest.

  • DeGraw
    July 13

    Edit | Reply

    Hauntingly beautiful!

    I too was a victim of rape. And have never really dealt with it much. Your poem touches me deeply, I'm impressed with your courage to write about it. Maybe I can too!
    Regards,
    Jennifer


    • after-silence
      July 13
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm really sorry that you can relate to this... If you ever want to talk just message me. And I would love to see anything you write about it, if you ever feel like it. I've found that writing about what happened helps; several of my poems deal about either the rape itself or other effects it's had on me. They're the hardest to write but also the most rewarding. I have an absolutely crappy poem posted here called "More than My Past" that is somehow one of my favorite poems. Well anyway... Take care!

  • RoseDaughter
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    A very emotional poem. It makes me sad to read it. The theme is dodgy.. I dont really like stuff like that in that theme. But this poem is brilliant. Well done, Thanks for entering
1 - 10 of 10