Arsenic anaesthetic
wages war upon your kin.
& perfect paralyzation,
[cadaver colour shades your skin.]
Silence is the Silken Noose around the Cut-Throat's cape.
Beautiful bane,
expression: but outrageous
& saccharine sedative,
[Cliché so contagious]
Silence is the Diamond Ring in the Harlot's purse.
Virgin venom
asphyxiates through innocence
& butterfly blood-flowers -
[Puts arrowed heart to trance.]
Silence is the Chanel on Scarlet Wrists.
Mannequin make-up
[for an angelic dimension]
Consummate chrysalis
Puts shackles on ascension.
Silence is the Silver Bullet in the Golden Gun.
Author notes
Necrophilia is understandable when this is your cadaver.
-just my two cents-
Hope this is good enough, hope it's long enough. I struggled quite a bit, as you can probably tell from the sheer crapness of it
Btw, blood flowers are a flower, used by some South African tribes to poison arrows. I realise this is not exactly an area of common interest :]
http://lady-dementia.deviantart.com/art/Venom-57458070 - prompt
A contest entry
- Picture Contest by BarbedWireButterfly.
1420 points, ended August 27, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be brutal, Forget the pleasantries
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I love the repetitive silence lines. So original. And I really enjoy the alliteration and assonance in the wordplay, and the classic/gothic style of the wording. Dark tone, very evident, suffused with a mournfulness, very tangible. Well done.
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This is very cryptic but i like what i've read!!
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Quite a fascinating piece. I couldn't help but read it five times over.
I don't have anything to say about the first stanza. In the single line following, it could just use a period at the end of it. In the next stanza it would add an interesting effect to have a comma added after the words "expression" and "sedative".
An "s" after "asphyxiate" and a comma after "innocence" would be nice touches. Also a comma either before or after "heart" would add emphasis to that phrase, though I'm not sure which would sound better or if it should be left alone.
Cut out the word "a" before "angelic". It doesn't seem necessary. A comma after "dimension" would seem nice too. It's all up to you the poet though. I really enjoyed your piece -
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wow, thanks
I'm amazingly atrocious with grammar and tenses and the like. Proof read 7 or so times over an I still don't pick up the points you mentioned
I'll probably do all the improvements you suggested, although I'll keep the 'a' before angelic, but I'll change it to 'an', do you think that would work?
it just seems too pedestrian otherwise.
Thanks for the criticism,
It's just what I want in a comment
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Interesting write. but what i loved most was lines 5,10,15,20! So many images popped in my head. And i got in my daily vocabulary! Great job dude.
. Rewarded 4
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wow. That was pretty amazing. I mean, ok, at first it seems so complex, but at the same time, it makes perfect sense! There's no doubt to what you're saying, and at the same time it takes a while to get to it.
It's like a Mannequin at the store window.
You try to reach it and the glass gets in the way...
But you can still see it perfectly.
This is surely a piece of art.
Beautifully done. Good luck in the contest!!
. Rewarded 8
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lol, quiet a nice little poem. Here is your prompt:
http://lithp.deviantart.com/art/moments-will-matter-44372985
If it doesn't inspire you feel free to ask me for a different picture =D -
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thank you, but i'm afraid the only inspiration I can find in that picture is humour, although pathetic, and i know that's not what you want.
So could I be a real pain and ask for another picture please?
thankies ^^
loves,
xxx -
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lol it's alright. Well you miss out on a picture I quiet like then
so...here you go http://lady-dementia.deviantart.com/art/Venom-57458070
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Thank you
I'll see I can get something halfway decent out it
I do like the other one, i just feel compelled to write about cloud monsters under the bed, who take your eyes and fly to their cloud kingdom. And I don't see how I can make that anything other than funny :/
lols
loves,
xxx
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