ten thousand folds
blade glints
deadhead daisies
Author notes
Five is the amount of bodies the best samurai swords can cut through in one swipe. This is an actual technical designation. Traditionally, in the past, metal was tested on condemned prisoners.
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop by azure85.
600 points, ended July 24, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I love constructive critism, please indulge.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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There is a very detailed book at our local library that is is dediated to japanese sabers and swords. Although I've never read to whole volume I've looked at it enough to understand this is almost a sacred subject, one worthy of poerty!
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I have trained under Samuari, albeit in London. They are really sharp swords. Beautiful haiku.
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interesting....it's wrong i think to test mental patients and prisoners..and those in poverty
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what a hilarious comment.
The "test" was to see if the sword could cut through five live persons bodies in one swipe. I think that could be counted as abuse and is usually frowned on. We use assult rifles these days.
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five body blade, sharp
ten thousand folds, steel metal
fire, water, air, iron, cuts.
Difficult to make comment here, because as it stands this does not qualify as haiku. It is merely a tercet of 5-7-5 syllables.
Haiku is generally an observed moment written in a phrase, generally of two lines, and a fragment of one line, not exceeding 17 syllables. It is usual to compare or contrast two concrete images which "resonate" with each other,creating a mood, atmosphere or impression.
Alan
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five body blade, sharp,
ten thousand folds, steel metal
fire, water, air, iron cuts.
A very descriptive haiku about the sword.
Haiku usually presents the image, you have given descriptions of it-which are very good. L3 is a statement, so I am wondering what you can do to bring out the images more.
ten thousand folds
reflects the sun
samurai sword
Or something along that line, but you can use some of the elements contained in L3.
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thanks for the heads up . Added a coma before cuts. That changes L3 from a statement to a list without losing the whole context of the poem. You seem to like the allusion of reflection, however I think it is trite and over used espically in hiaku. You also seem to want to shorten the difficult and traditional form of (5,7,5 syllables in 3 lines). Your suggestions always do so. I wonder why?
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