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O.S.S.Branding

He dug in: cloves to orange,
scraped velvet soft,
and spoke of places
where burning is
more than a craft.

But that was three years ago;
he's grown up
--crueler, more ashen-face.

And the moons in my skin didn't
seem so neon back then;
it's become an excuse of hoodlum-ism,
and
it's a gift to give change
without turning hands over.

Author notes

Suicide Mission

[Old School Skin Branding]

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
    August 5

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with my co-judge... I did enjoy the poem, especially about that first stanza. I adore those first couple of lines, and I highly recommend using Ptolema's edits. Thanks for entering.


  • balenciaga
    July 26

    Edit | Reply

    "He dug in: cloves to orange,>>>> love this line, a lot!
    scraped velvet soft,
    and told of places
    where burning is
    more than an occupation."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    my edits/guide:

    He dug in: cloves to oranges
    scraped velvet softness
    (talked/whispered) of places
    where burning is
    more than an occupation (maybe vocation.?...just a thought)


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    But that was three years ago;>>>> Don't really need 'but'
    he's grown up
    --crueler, more ashen-face. >> I know "more ashen-face" is grammatically correct, I

    just think it's a bit weak and can be slightly modified.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    my edits/guides:

    That was three years ago
    he's grown up
    -crueler, ashen-faced

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    And the moons in my skin didn't
    seem so neon back then,
    but it's become an excuse of hoodlum-ism>> NO! to 'hoodlumism'....a weak, weak word.
    and having the ability of
    giving change without turning
    my hand over.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    my edits/guides:

    the moons in my skin
    didn't glow neon back then
    now, it's an excuse for depravity>> (may want a line space after this....up to you though)
    I manipulate change
    without turning
    my hand over


    Ok; so because I kinda like this, I decided to take the time to improve it . Firstly; you'll notice I eliminated the end-line punctuation. I don't think you need it for this poem, a pause will suffice.
    Also; I tried to get rid of as many gerunds (-ing words) as possible. They are tricky, and I generally try to stay away from them, as too many drown the poem. Overall; this is decent. It just needs some sandpapering and I think you might want to add a few more lines....flesh it out, if you will. I love the relatively soft voice I heard while I read this . Remember, changes are only a guide, I expect you to take them in stride and hopefully they will guide the direction of your poem

    -tell me if you edit.

    -sailor ptolema







    • red
      July 26

      Edit | Reply
      Your change of my ending reflects nothing of what I was trying to say;
      The metaphor at the end is not thinking scars on my body would be such a big deal; Now, when people ask me about them, I excuses; and because it's too hot to wear long sleeves, and considering I work with the public, I have to give customers their change back differently then everyone else at my worksite. So yeah.
      But thank you for the in-depth comment anyway.