Take a razor; shove its silver lashes
into that encrusted artery -
then close your eyes
and un-see the bloody bubbles swell and burst
like prize balloons at a county fair.
Glimpse the gash of barbed wire fence
rippling up your forearm
like a uniform of stitches.
Discern the scarlet spectrum
as it seeps onto floral tiles
grasping onto stubbled arm-hair
trying to un-touch
the perceived perfection it tinged with regret.
Un-see yourself and choose to be blind, because
you won a lifetime of baubles,
and the lacings weren’t enough;
that final drop of red just rose the rim of blood
higher and higher - until the tub flooded
and all the pristine tiles were stained.
Author notes
*Currently working on the last stanza...
18 lines.
"SUICIDE MISSION"
Photo: http://mohzart.deviantart.com/art/Blood-on-Cloak-15844051
In a list
A contest entry
- REALLY Not For The Weak: Ultra-Deluxe Suicide-Edition by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended August 12, 28 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I just have to say that this will not win. I am not a cutter and am not a fan of cutting poems. I am sorry, but it is who I am. But, you do have good imagery in some places, but I cannot see this winning. If you want to enter something else, now would be the time.
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I agree with Pt for sure... Normally, I cringe when I see the word 'razor', since it's usually in sentences like the one Ptolema described. But I have to say that this is one of the most un-cliched self-harming poems ever, and I do agree that this could be something very special, with the suggested edits.
Thank you for entering.
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wow
the discription is great,I like the way it was written less from misarey and more from determination(well thats what I saw any way)great write and thank-you for entering my contest! -
DAMN!!!!
i absolutely love it!!!!
great job and best of luck!!!!
Love,
Mouse -
This isn't bad. Usually I'm gagging at poems of this subject because they are soo bad and are like "da razer kiSSed muh wristss"...
..yea lol
So I'm pleasantly surprised.
Some things though, I don't really like 'un-see' throught the last 3 stanzas... felt a bit awkward.
"that final drop of red just rose the rim of blood >>>awk. I'd reword.
higher and higher - until the tub flooded
and all the pristine tiles were stained.">>>>> I think this is a luke warm ending. the middle of your poem is much better. I think with some fine tuning this could be a great piece
thanks for entering and not melting my brain! and huzzah for someone who can spell properly!!!
-sailor ptolema
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ooh, thank you so much for the critique! I've been really struggling with the last stanza
those last lines just don't sound/feel right no matter what I try to do with them. Any thoughts/pointers on them specifically would be really great. It's saying that even if you (the suicidal) choose not to look, everyone around you is affected. I just can't seem to form that perfect power line...
thanks again,
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I can't think of anything off the top of my head for the last stanza....maybe you should try writing a completely different one, and see how it compares to the current one. I do that a lot, write several drafts on paper to see which on fits better. If you keep struggling with it, start the ending over from a blank slate, and something better might come to you.
and huzzah! for someone who can take a critique! Congratulations, you have a backbone
If you're able to handle criticism, you'll improve a lot as a writer 
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thanks for the tip, that sounds like it'll work * scurries off to write bunches of drafts *
thank you for helping me out, I really appreciate it
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Encrusted? To describe an artery? That felt a little weird.
I'm not sure I like the repetition of "un-see" in the first lines of the final three stanzas. But this stands out from among other "omg im in paaaayne ima slyt my ~~wRiStS~~" poem, thanks to your imagery. It did feel wordy in some spots -- the county fair metaphor lines, for instance, which were interesting -- some of this could be condensed and possibly reworded, but you really do have the foundation of something powerful and fabulous, with a little work.
"that final drop of red just rose the rim of blood higher / and then the tub flooded and all perfection was affected" -- Honestly, I don't think it's a very strong ending, especially the "perfection was affected." Affected by what/whom? Do you mean that the speaker reached perfection? This could be reworded and made clearer if you wish to edit. Also, you used the word "perfection" in the previous stanza, which gets a little repetitious.
Thank you for the entry and also for knowing how to spell!
-hiraeth
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